maintenance

[wheresthelight]

hoping for some advice so apologies of o type this clumsily.

when exw and dp divorced they agreed maintenance privately and dp pays quite happily every month. the figure set at the time was based on have the kids every other weekend, they agreed a figure slightly less than csa guidelines (only by £8/week) so that dp could help out towards additional costs like school trips etc. we also buy all school shoes, clothes for here, presents, give them pocket money and dp pays into their savings accounts every month.

due to the increased cost of energy bills etc we are struggling so dp has reduced the amount he pays into the kids savings accounts. his ex has hit the roof and is demanding that it was part of the discussion and agreement to pay less than the csa guidelines. we have been through all the mediation paperwork and the agreement has been noted as less so he can pay for trips and holidays and big presents at Christmas. nothing is mentioned about the savings account. we also now have the kids for more nights than at the time maintenance was agreed and so in reality he is paying about £50 a month more than he has to according to csa and that's before the £40 a month into their savings accounts and £10-15 a month pocket money depending on whato chores they complete, so it's more like £100 over.

now whilst the extra money for us would be really helpful he has no intention of reducing her payments and neither would I let him. but she is demanding that the saving account money goes up which we genuinely can't afford it.

I have been through the paperwork over and over and copied the sections for her and printed out the csa calculator to show what he should be paying based on the current contact agreement so he can discuss it with her but I don't know of we are being unreasonable.

what do we do? if we put it back up then the kids will lose out because there won't be money to pay for school shoes (£60 between them yesterday) or for school trips. dsd's have already cost us £200 this year and dss wants one that costs each parent the best part of £700 next year. I know she will flip of we refuse to pay dp's half and I have gone back to work to help out with saving for it (and yes I know technically it's not my place but he really wants to go).

Any tips?

Terribly sad that you are literally seeing your step children as a cost centre budget

I imagine that's the case for most NRHouseholds, though? There's a finite amount of money coming in, that has to be shared between non-resident children, and the household expenses.

A NRP who regularly pays more than their household can afford is potentially going to drag two families into debt or worse - missed council tax or TV license payments can lead to imprisonment - so those bills are a priority over any payments over the "minimum" amount calculated for the non-resident DCs.

Debt management advisors who advise on payment plans place a high priority on certain payments, and they advise to make the child maintenance arrangements formally through the CSA (or equivalent) and there's no opportunity for the NRP to pay/contribute for "extras", because all the surplus household income goes to servicing the debt.

It may be distasteful to see non-resident DCs as a "household expense" to be budgeted for, but anything else is irresponsible, surely?

needaholidaynow yes of course it is controlling

Absolutely Peruvian. I do a budget every month and think about how much I need to allow for my own dd. Her childcare, if she needs uniform, if we're going to have a day out.
I don't just chuck money at her without consideration. Children are a coat centre for everyone RP, NRP, SP.

How is a father buying school shoes/giving pocket money/ paying school trips for his dc 'controlling'? That is just his role as Dad. He has not reduced the maintenence payment that his exw agreed. And dc are a cost centre. I budget for their needs, too. If they need new shoes or a school trip or a birthday party then the money has to come from somewhere. Budgeting for it does not mean I resent spending it. OP never suggested differently.

How exactly are we controlling? and how does buying school shoes make us so? the kids needed new shoes, had they been with their mum she would have text with the bill which is fine. as it is she has not managed to find any that either fitted correctly or that the kids liked. we managed to so we bought them. it's called co-parenting.

ichbin are you even a step-parent or involved in a step situation or are your hairy knuckles missing their bridge?

I continued to pay maintenance for my DSC when DP was out of work.We also paid for uniforms and trips and took them on holiday. The ex threatened to go to CSA so we called her bluff and said we would just pay what CSA told us. She soon changed her mind. I should add that at the time she was claiming benefit and had an undeclared partner!

How is a father buying school shoes/giving pocket money/ paying school trips for his dc 'controlling'?

Exactly. Why should it be just down to the RP to be given the money for such so they can pick and choose what exactly their DC have?

Surely a lot of dad's and by the looks certainly in the OP's case are capable of picking adequate enough school shoes, for example.

Why should it be the Mum's right to decide, simply because she is what is classed as the RP.

RP or NRP - both parents have the same roles and responsibilities. Neither one trumps the other.

Like I said the only rightful way a dad can provide for his child is to throw as much money as possible to the mum and that be it. She gets to buy the stuff. She gets all the credit for it.

That must be the only way Need. No wonder so many separated dads get a barrel load of shit for standing up explaining a situation with regards to money for their DC. How dare they want to actually be as active and have an equal say as a Mum in their children's lives with regards to how the monies for their joint children is spent.

I don't think there's an easy answer, tbh.

I know how hard I've found it when DDs dad has spent £££ on a new gadget for DD, while I'm buying second hand school uniform, or he duplicates items I've bought while she goes without something else.

On the other hand, I've read posts here on MN which suggest that RPs have deliberately disposed of items bought by the NR household that they claim the DC needs - arguing that the NRH haven't bought the right brand, for instance, or that they won't have something paid for by the OW.

In an ideal world, coparenting would include joint financial management of the money available for the DC - but the reality demonstrated in this thread is that it is very unlikely that split parents can share that financial responsibility, so it has to be held by one or other parent.

I agree wholeheartedly Peruvian it should be managed jointly by both parents irrespective of whether they are together or not!

dp's ex does have a tendency to leave him out of key decisions but by all accounts that isn't unique to their post divorce relationship. the difference comes because now when she is being unreasonable dp stands up to her.

and as it happens she called round to thanke for sorting out the school shoes because she had spent hours trawling shops to no avail with both kids.

we haven't heard anything more regarding the savings so perhaps she has realised that she is onto a far better crack woth the current arrangements