Yet another difficult weekend - how long should we give it?

[ClosedCurtains]

I posted previously on here looking for advice on creating a successfully blended family. Following from yet another difficult weekend with all the DC (DD6, DD4 and DSS 6) I'm looking for advice on how we can help the DC get on better.

We each have our DC EOW which we have engineered to coincide in order to spend time all together. Initially the DC got on quite well but now the novelty or whatever has worn off, they spend the whole weekend bickering and fighting. My DC really like my DP and I believe DP's DS really likes me. When we have our respective DC alone, everything is good, but it's much more difficult when we're all together.

The main issues are between the two 6YOs. On the face of it, my DD seems to be the biggest issue in that she struggles to control her temper and often resorts to physical violence. This is the case with her younger sister but has also extended to her behaviour towards DSS. I obviously know my DD well and I will always punish her in a way in which I think is most effective - usually sending her to her room to calm down and then she must apologise. I can tell once she's calm that she feels very bad for her behaviour but inevitably will lose her temper again during which I cannot reason with her and she seems not to care. I'm absolutely mortified that my DD behaves in this way and of course very bad on DSS that he's being subjected to this when he's at my house. DD will often say that we all hate her and I know she is struggling with this transition - I just don't know how to help her.

The other issue is that I'm pretty certain that DP sees the issue very differently from me. He has admitted that he's sees the biggest issue is my DD and usually defends his DS (totally ubderstandably) saying that he's very well behaved making out that my DDs behaviour is unwarranted. Whilst it is very true that DSS is impeccably behaved for DP, it is not always so true when he isn't around. I must stress that he is only behaving like a typical 6 yo to the situation and I really like him, just that I believe the issue is more equal rather than my dd being entirely at fault. His behaviour is much more subtle, leaving my DD out of games, telling her what to do, not sharing etc. in some ways I'm unsurprised he doesn't want to play with my dd given her reaction, I'm just pointing out that my DD is not reacting to nothing. I feel unable to tell DP this all however as I know it can be difficult to hear negative things about your own child. As DSS is an only child, I think it's possible that this is coming as a much bigger shock to DP. I have a much better understanding of how DC behave in a sibling group (ie. fighting) whereas this is all new to DP and possibly he's a little less understanding.

The other issue is our approach to parenting. He's much stricter than me and has advocated I smack my dd when she's really acting up. I know my dd would not respond well to this. I sometimes feel that he thinks I've ineffectively punished dd. On one occasion, I had sent dd to her room and DP went in after I had left, I presume to talk to her about her behaviour. I really didn't like the way he handled it and had to tell him to leave her to calm down.

The issue has arisen because we have both admitted that the thought of splitting up has crossed our minds. We love each other a lot but obviously have to put our DCs first and at the moment, it seems like everyone is miserable. I have done a lot of reading around the issue of blended families and step parenting and also this board. I think we're both willing to put a lot of effort in to try and resolve this but I'm just wondering how long we should give it? My worry is that the DC will never get on. Has anyone got any experience of this kind of situation? How did you handle it? I'm also really keen to hear any ideas on how we can help the DC get along better.

I know having the weekends in synch is good so you get EOW with no kids. Which is why we did it too. The downside is the kids are always together and that can cause conflict, as you are finding out.

What works for us is that we deal with our own kids, we rarely do anything as a family unit. Mine are teens so this would be the case anyway.

My suggestion would be to try and spend time with your own kids at the weekends that you have them. You might find that if you take yours out for the afternoon and your DSS has time with his Dad, then everything is calmer when you then spend the evening together.

I would also stop your DP from disciplining the children, esp if he thinks you should be hitting the kids. That would be a massive problem for me.

There is no easy solution.

Kids bicker and fight regardless of whether or not they're siblings or step siblings.

I agree with you that it's very easy to parent one generally well behaved child but managing a group dynamic is very different.

I agree that you should perhaps try to divide and conquer by splitting them up. I am loathe to suggest splitting by your children and my children as that only reinforces the divide that is being erected here.

How about you doing something with your DD and your DP doing something with the boys.

I can never understand why anyone expects all the children to "blend" like this. Having been in that situation I can tell you I hated it!

I understand why you have the weekends the way you do and it's nice to have a kid free weekend, hell, we'd all love that but it's just not working. Your dss probably needs time with his dad. I would rather have two calmer weekends than one stressed out weekend that causes so much conflict

Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond.

We initially changed to EOW coinciding because the DC got on really really well to start with. In hindsight, we were very naive to believe it would carry on going this well.

We have discussed going back to DP having DSS one day each weekend so that there will be fine to have the just one 'set' of children at times, times for us as a couple and also time with all the children but it will be much more spaced out and for shorter periods. This is dependent on DP's ex agreeing though.

Does anyone have any tips on how we can help them get along better beyond just allowing more time? I've tried to explain to dp that they will probably always fight no matter what but we're obviously hopeful that they will get on better than they currently do. I've suggested that we take the time to read around the subject together to come up with a workable plan but it's always good to hear from people who have experience of this kind of situation.

Just to add that DP thinks that the DC are bickering over time with me because DSS is very fond of me. He has time with DP alone during the week as they stay elsewhere due to the distance between our homes and DSS needing to get to school.

There will be an element of jealousy and 'my mum..not yours'. My kids were a bit like that when they were little.

I do think giving them space and allowing them to spend 121 time with you and DH will make a difference. Do fun things together, maybe if you have had a day apart all arrange to go bowling in the evening. We did that, sometimes it was lots of fun sometimes full of arguing. That is what a blended family is like.

Your kids are young too, maybe you need to develop games etc that they can all enjoy with you. Treasure hunts, quizes, twister all the things they like. Set up a treat at the end of the day if they all get on, a movie night with popcorn for example. Take the focus off the negative and focus on the positive. Talk about all the great things that are going to happen at the weekend, give rewards for getting on and don't get caught up in punishments.

When things were very bad at home, DH and I used to make sure that we made the most of our child free weekends. We would go away for one or two nights, walk on a beach, just be us. By doing that we coped better when all the kids were there too.

My DP and I have stopped the regular sleepovers at weekends and now sometimes get together with all the DCs for an afternoon or the odd night once a month or so. In between times he stays at his house with them and then stays with me and my DCs 4 nights a week when his are with their mum.

This works much better than trying to force the DCs together all weekend and it means that we get some time on our own with our own DCs, the odd night with just the two of us and quite a lot of time where it's me, him and my DCs, which always works well.

FWIW, I'm more strict than DP and it can be frustrating to see someone ineffectively dealing with their DC causing problems. It's natural for us to feel protective of our own DCs and to think the best of them, whereas in this situation you almost need to see all the children as a unit and treat them all in a more detached way.

I honestly think the best way to get the DCs to get on better is for them to see less of each other, even if that means you see less of DP. I also think 3 is always tricky. DP was here with just one of his DDs this weekend as the other was at a sleepover with a friend. My DD played nicely with her and there were no arguments, no messing about at bedtime etc. When his older DD is also here, the little one gets left out, the older two wind her up, the two older girls fall out, it's mayhem!