Being fair to nearly adult kids

[thepurplehen]

We have a complicated blended family and I don't even know if this is a "blended family" problem

DSD1 is nearly 19 and still comes for "contact" a third of the time.

DSD2 is 17 and lives with us full time apart from 1 day a fortnight with Mum.

My DS is 16 (nearly 17) and lives with us full time.

I also have 2 other DSC who are younger, 1 of which we don't see at all.

We have paid for DSD1 to have over a years worth of driving lessons as well as her first test, theory test and bought and tax and insured her first car (the insurance being £1500 alone). She is now working full time after dropping doing 3 A levels. My thoughts are that we should not be responsible for providing any more with regards to driving. She earns more than I do, although less than my DP.

The next dilemma is what to provide for DSD2 and DS with regards to cars. Obviously we are keen to be "fair" and treat them all "the same". However, both DSD2 and DS want to go to university and therefore will not be earning the sort of money that DSD1 earns for a long time.

DP wanted to insure them both on my car (it's smaller than DP car) but I don't really want to give up my car while DSD1 has a car of her own. That doesn't feel very fair to me. The next alternative is to get a shared car for DSD2 and DS but I'm not sure how that would work in reality, they currently go to different schools and what happens if one doesn't go to uni or needs a car when they are there?

We both fund our "own" kids and I can't afford to run 2 cars for myself and my DS for the next 4 years and DP doesn't want to do this anyway as he feels it would be unfair to provide 4 years of funding for cars when DSD1 only had 1 year.

I think he is angling to pay DSD1 for the next 4 years worth of insurance and tax and running costs on her car to try and make it "fair", so then he can just go out and get DSD2 a car and run it for her for 4 years. Like I say I can't afford to do this anyway especially if I am going to have to pay towards university too.

So what's the answer?

You don't need cars at uni and you certainly don't need them at 6th form

Pay for their driving lessons, let working out what to do with the cars wait until they've gone to uni or not. Then when you know what each one actually needs (help with car, help with uni) you can work out what's fair better

Thanks.
When we bought DSD1 a car, I made it very clear that I thought we should only provide cars when there was an actual NEED for a car. DSD1 is working and "needs" a car for work. I feel that is fair. I also think if we are funding uni, then maybe it's fair that they don't actually get a car.

At least your Dh is happy to discuss it with you. In my case it a shiny new car would have just 'appeared' for dsd, taxed, insured, the lot on the day she passes her test! (He pays so fair enough), but at least in your case it's up for discussion! Not very helpful I lnow, sorry

Ah yes but sometimes my Dp is good at "discussing" things but then does what he decides anyway!

Ah yes thepurplehen the very familiar unilateral decision

Nothing helpful to add - a v difficult situation.

20 yrs on, my parents bought my elder sister her car outright, I paid for mine myself and my brother got half the monies and insurance paid. It annoyed me then and to be honest it still irks me now - childish I know but.....!

Quesera - that's the dilemma isn't it? We don't want them to feel like that as adults.

But because they are all doing different things at different times, treating them fairly doesn't always mean "the same".

I think you're completely right that treating them fairly doesn't mean treating them the same. And students don't generally need cars and nor can they afford to run them. But why does your DP think he should be paying DSD's insurance every year? Shouldn't she be paying it herself now she's working? I think it's good to support kids whilst they're studying, but why would your DP see it as his job to fund an adult child with a job?

In terms of insurance, once you've put one teenager on the insurance it costs very little more to add others on, so it would be much cheaper to add them all onto yours or DP's car insurance rather than get them all cars

If you bought a car for one then you should be prepared for the others to expect the same, I don't think I would buy a car for one of my dc's unless I could afford it for both. As your DSd is working full time I think she should be able to pay her own insurance, if she's living at home im sure she should be able to pay to keep a car on the road?

I would give them the choice. Do they want money for Uni of do they want driving lessons etc. do a cut off point with your DSD and say that the others can have the same amount. They can choose if it is towards car costs or for Uni but they can't have if all.

We did a similar thing with my DSS's. We told them that they could have so much when they turned 18 for a special present. One chose to have a laptop, the second one had so much paid towards his holiday with his mates etc, they knew the amount and they chose. Dd knows she will get a similar choice when she turns 18. They all also got a lump sum of the same amount which they could use as they wanted. The eldest used his for Uni, the middle one blew his before he started Uni and the youngest still has jus saved for when he needs it.

Worked for my brother and I - my parents said they would pay towards one option. He chose to have an old second hand car ( but he paid tax, insurance etc) whilst I picked a flight to Oz instead. Both to the same value.

Despite DSD1 working, DP feels if we get DSD2 and DS a car and pay for it for a couple of years, it's unfair on DSD1 despite her working and earning thousands of pounds and paying nothing at home either.

I've told him we can't keep being a bottomless pit of money. I've suggested that we pay for uni and not cars, that we can't do both. He's adamant he wants to provide a car for DSD2 too and will pay for uni and anything else she wants. He has suggested me giving up my car so DSD2 and DS can "share" it. I, apparently, can "share" his car.

I have insured DSD2 to practice to learn to drive in my car. However, not once have DP or DSD2 asked ME if it's ok to take my car, I've literally just been "told" that they are taking my car out. DSD2 asks DP, never me and DP never expects her to ask me. So this has made up my mind that I am not giving up my car for everyone to "share". I can fully envisage me being the only one without a car and having to get the bus, despite me paying for it all!

To be honest I would tell him where to go .

I had this issue with DH and kept asking him at what point do they learn to stand on their own two feet? I was just a nag though and didn't understand what it was like (I am sure i used to be a teenager and young adult at some point!)

He now admits what I said in the past was right and that he did them no favours. He reckons it is all due to the fact that we were brought up differently and I was more independent due to mine!!

I would stand your ground with your car. DSD should be paying all her costs for her car if she is working. After all do your in laws pay for your DH's car costs or is he a big boy and paying for his own now he works

This is what irks me. Some adults do still keep using bank of mum and dad but my dp isn't like that at all. He was made to be independent from a young age but dp doesn't treat his kids as independent young people at all.

Of course he argues that buying cars, insurance, holidays, gadgets etc etc are all things that make them independent!

All sounds a nightmare - and sounds as if he's already set so much of a precident with DSD1 that it's not going to be easy to treat the others fairly.

I fully understand the need to try to treat children who live together fairly (have a similar blended family set up to you) but do you think this is one ocassion when maybe you do need to step back and say to your DP that you don't agree with the decisions he's making and do not wish to fund them - so each of you made decisions about financial support and driving lessons for your own DCs? You only have the one DS so if you stop paying for DSD2's insurance, etc, you could pay for DS only to be insured on your car (or buy him a car if you think he needs one), and then fund whatever you think he needs at Uni, and make it clear to him that you and DP are each funding your own adult kids the way you see fit? Won't be long til they're not all living under one roof so it might be easier then to treat them separately

I am seriously considering doing this. Trouble is that my dp is a much bigger earner than I am so actually reminding him that he has to bear in mind that he might have to part fund my ds sort of reigns him in a bit.

I'm aware that if I, for example, put ds on my car insurance, dp will then think he has free reign to buy his kids brand new cars etc.

Whilst ds might be ok with that, I'm not sure if I could be.

If he's the higher earner and wants to buy his kids cars, I'm not sure you're going to be able to stop him though really are you? I think he's a fool to do so but if he wants to spend his money on his kids, and his paying his fair share of household expenses, then can you stop him?

Maybe you could just talk to your DS and discuss how you have different priorities from your DH - eg you value his education and don't think everyone needs to drive to be an adult - would that work? Personally I'd much rather have any child of mine (or DSC) insured on my car rather than driving their own car for a year or two at least - as it gives you a bit of control over where they're going and whether they're driving safely. My DSD1 is just taking her test at the moment but I don't think I'd want to see her on the roads in that giddy way of teenagers who've just been given their own car can drive. I remember it from when I was a teen - there were times I was lucky to be alive having been driven by idiot friends. We have a black box fitted in my car, which makes the insurance a lot cheaper and also means I can monitor her driving (I can also see from the GPS in it exactly where she is at any time!)

Why not tell the uni goers that they'll get a car once they graduate (when they will actually need one for work and will be well in debt). And are you sure that DSD1 will not decide to go to uni several years down the line, that often happens.

I got all my DCs through their driving test by the time they were 18 but they didn't get cars until they could afford to run them.

Being the car owner at that age can mean you do all the driving and your party going friends do all the drinking.

Sounds like DH is making sure his DCs don't have the 'deprived' child hood that he did.

Moniker - I was adamant that we would only buy the kids cars when they "needed" them.

Dsd1 is at work and it's much easier for her to have a car than use public transport. And she's in the situation where she can pay for it when dp stops doing so.

Neither ds or dsd1 really need a car in my opinion. However, as dp has refused to let them walk anywhere and been a constant taxi he is now arguing that they need cars to give them independence and stop them using him as a taxi.

You have to laugh at the logic!