step kids behaviour worries - any advice?

[JNZ11]

Hello,

I am new here - just wondering if anyone had any experience or could offer advice regarding behaviour in young children with seperated parents?

I am a step mum to DSD(9) and DSS(7). My husband and his ex have been seperated for over 4 years. I have been with DH for almost 4 years whilst the children’s mother has been with her boyfriend for roughly 18 months.
The children stay with us Friday-Monday every other weekend and 50/50 during school holidays.

The children are always super excited to spend time with us and really seem to miss their dad when they are gone.
I am lucky to have an amazing relationship with them; we enjoy each others company and DH and I love having them around. The children get on really well with all my family too who all enjoy having them around to spoil.
We make sure their visits with us are enjoyable, surrounded by lots of love and support and we ensure that we provide a safe haven for them to enjoy being kids.

Unfortunately at their mothers house, the children have a completely different lifestyle.
They were introduced to at least 5 of their mothers previous boyfriends and witnessed her not coming home after spending the night with random men. Thankfully she has settled down with her latest boyfriend who lives with her and the children (he also has a daughter of his own that he sees EOW). Their mother is extremely money orientated and is teaching the children to be materialistic - she will not spend any money on them and tells them the reason they cannot go on school trips or have nice things is because she doesn’t receive enough CSA money from us. She continues to bad-mouth us and corrupt the children dispite being warned by the courts not to.

The children have to use the microwave on their own to make their breakfast every day for themselves and their mother - DH is understandably worried about them burning themselves and so DSS has started eating his breakfast cold.
When we collect the children we usually find that they haven’t bathed all week (reflected in their appearance and odour!) or if they have, they have had cold showers.
Their clothes and shoes are usually too small with holes in them, although this maybe the clothes their mum chooses to send them in to help portray her ‘poor, struggling mum’ image. Needless to say that she has enough money to dress herself well and enjoy the finer things herself. Clothes and toys we have bought (and our families have bought) the children for their birthdays/Christmas get sold for cash or swapped for items she wants.
The children are not allowed to be children at home which is why we feel it is so important to encourage them to be children when they are with us.

Recently, DSS (7) has been acting differently.
Last time we collected him, he told us that they have been attending weekend activity classes so that their mum could shop and exercise with her BF. When the children told their mum that they would rather spend quality time with her (she works so she rarely sees them during the week) she told them she had already paid so they had to go. DSS overheard his mum tell her BF that she doesn’t want to spend time with them and that’s why she lies to them about her having plans. He almost cried whilst telling us and DSD asked us if she didn’t want to spend time with them herself why she hated them spending time with their dad and me.
There was also a incident where DSS had a small toilet accident – DSS completely over reacted (hysterical crying) and his body language suggested that he thought he was going to be shouted at and hit –obvioulsy not how we behave in our house but gets you thinking about what happens when he is at his mums house?

There are also a couple of times where he has been really enjoying himself and then randomly stopped mid-activity and started crying saying he doesn’t want to continue.
When it comes to going back to their mums, neither child wants to (DSD (9) keeps telling us that she's planning on moving in with us when she's 11/12) and DSS always has some sort of bodyache or illness in the run up.

We are thinking about getting them some counsilling to see if there are any issues at their mums (especially regarding her BF) but wanted to check on here too to see if anyone had experience of similar issues first.

Any advice would be really helpful.

Thanks
JNZ

take it back to court and have the kids live with you!

we have similar issues although not the same extreme and I have already told dp that I will back him 110% if he wants to apply for residential custody or the current equivalent

It's hard to tell what's going on, some of that could be normal child behaviour (they are more astute at manipulating situations to their advantage than we sonetimes give them credit for, especially when they have two home to play off against each other). However I just wanted to say that some of the things you have said stood out for me as the first signs we noticed thing weren't right at home with my SC.

The overreaction to something they feel they've done wrong, the invention of various illnesses and ailments when it comes for home time, unexplained crying/stopping mid-activity with a seemingly unconnected reason being given for being upset. All of these are things we experienced.

We thought they were strange at the time and questioned them with the RP who got very hostile whenever anything was raised. Apparently it was our fault.

Anyway it's clear to see now (after a long time has passed and after much input from children's services, the courts, the children being removed from RP's home etc.) but they were all signs of the bad things going on at home that we had no idea about.

So I'd be very watchful. It's frustrating because there is nothing concrete to go on to make a referral to anyone about. I would say document everything. Each odd event, comment by the DC etc. and maybe you'll see patterns forming.

Good luck.

I recognise the first half of your story very strongly, and we too as we ask more seem to go more down the rabbit hole.

I have not experienced anything as strong as the latter half though, and they sound very disturbing indeed. I agree with Ludo odd behaviour we have had has always correlated with bad things at home that we have found out about retrospectively.

Every instinct in my being tells me you need to get these kids to speak to someone right away. I don't know the support system, I would try social services but if you get no joy there perhaps a solicitor can suggest a child psychologist or someone like that who can help and if they find anything untoward it can be used in the court.

I would also personally get dad to just straight ask them if they want to live with you, and tell them that if they ever feel that way they should say. I would also just straight ask mum if she wants to switch over.

But either way I would still most urgently follow up on this behaviour, you need to get to the root of it. It sounds very wrong to me and I hope it's not but please look deeper at this. I think they are really lucky to have you.