Not sure where to post - 3yo DS, remarried and considering TTC

[AKP79]

I have a 3yo, I'm separated from his father who is engaged to someone else and he lives with her and her 3 children aged 7, 8 and 10.

I've recently remarried and we are talking about trying for a baby. My husband has always wanted a large family and I had always seen myself having two or three children.

My 3yo adores my husband and has a very special relationship with him, he sees his dad on alternate weekends and has half of the holidays there too.

We would like to start TTC, but I am full of worry on so many levels and wanted some mumsnet words of wisdom. My ex left me when my DS was only a few weeks old and cited my pre and post natal depression as the reason (the real reason was he was an alcoholic who was having an affair with another woman and while I was depressed the grass was definitely greener). I can think rationally about it now, but it scares me and I'm scared of being pregnant and being depressed again and the impact that will have on DH and DS.

Coupled with that, I am mostly worried about the impact a new baby will have on my DS. My DS is my world and I have worked very hard at making him the happy content boy he is, but he does struggle with adjusting between two homes and acts up a lot when he returns. I'm worried DS will feel rejected if there's a new baby and that he will feel even worse when he has to go off to stay with his dad and the baby stays with us.

On the flip side I'm worried he'll hate the new baby and as he is the 'baby' in his dad's family set up will gravitate towards there and will feel happier at his dad's and not want to be home with us.

At the moment, my DS is my priority and getting it right for him comes first. Has anyone else got good and bad experiences they'd be happy to share?

From a childs point of view I would say that step parents change when their own child comes along. In my experience and friends, very few step parents truly treat their own spend step children the same. I had a very negative childhood and I wouldn't have more children with a new partner if I ever split from DH.

My dh met my ds when he was 4 and I can honestly say he loves him same as his own. Same love attention an equally fairly treated. And that's big reason why I love dh so whole heartedly he has the biggest heart. My ds has never felt different to other children the only thing ds ever said was he wished dh was his daddy too and we reassured him he is his daddy even though he don't call him it.

From my own perspective I chose not to have a child in this situation, and I actually think that is a mistake (it wasn't my only reason so I don't regret it and love my one lovely DSD).

Any kids who's mum and dad have another has a little time where they get to not be mums top kid any more, and they learn to deal with that, and that's part of life. I think the fact you already have concern for this shows that you would never let him be pushed out, and so I think you are more than equipped to help him emotionally and practically such as making sure you have some bigger kid time together sometimes with you and with his step dad.

On the other side imagine if you regret it and when he's bigger asks why he doesn't have a brother or sister in this house, and finds out its because you thought it wouldn't be best for him. Seems like a lot of weight for a kid to carry. It turns out DSD went through a phase of begging us to have a brother or sister for her when she was bigger.

I have also seen in this situation two friends families bring another child into the situation and it's made their lovely family even better and stronger and closer. They brought the first child into the centre of the new baby's arrival setting them up for how exciting it would be and how they will be the most important friend in the world to the new kid. The older sibling takes a lot of joy from their role as older brother as any bigger kid does. It's even made them closer to their step parent.

I think it's all down to the handling and what you know about you as a family, there is no size fits all situation. Another part of me didn't have kids because I get depressed when I'm without adult company in the day so I felt it was not for me. But now I am with a different partner I realise he would offer completely different support, much better support. So I appreciate what happened to you was distressing but also remember you are with a different man now, one who armed with the info that you might get depressed might offer loving support and help you through it together instead of sleeping with someone else and valuing booze more than his family.

I don't know what's right for you and I don't think anyone but you does, but I think the fact even before you've done it you are thinking about him central to everything you do will make him have a lovely childhood whichever decision you make.

Thank you for your replies.

Robotroy - I have just got very emotional reading yours. You seem to have such a genuine perfect understanding of how I'm feeling. Your comments have given me lots of food for thought and really helped me take a little step back. We've talked about how we would make it ok for DS and my DH has already said he will continue to have his 121 time with him dog walking, cycling etc and I would also do the same.

Thank you