Struggling!! In desperate need of some advice

[JM234]

I am 24 years old and I have a son of 3 and a step-daughter of 11. Me and my partner have been together for 5.5 years now, I met him when his daughter was 6, and we always got on incredibly well, she had a lot of respect for me and I had a very relaxed approach to my role of being a step-parent and we had a lot of fun together. However, in the last year or so she has developed some incredibly difficult behaviour, which I believe is down to hormonal changes and learnt behaviour. She started to lose control at her BM's house, which is what her older sister has been doing for years now, even to the extent that they've been threatened to be kicked out of their property. The anger started to come out at our house and I guess it took us by surprise and maybe we didn't deal with it in the best way possible and now she has adopted that pattern of behaviour we are struggling to break it. She shouts at me, screams, tells me to shut up all in front of my son and often when this happens it can go on for hours. We have tried ignoring it but she didn't stop and she actually continuously pushed my leg whilst I was sowing as I wouldn't give her homework book back when she refused to go to bed at 11pm on a school night. I have become so short tempered and fed up, it makes me question my relationship with my partner, during this time I just want to get out as it's so intense. She is with us for a whole week every other week and I have started to dread her coming over. On top off all of this struggle I have a lot of things I am trying to deal with such as my father being in prison and my partner being aggressive towards me on a number of occasions two years ago. I feel like I am getting angry and not being myself. I am very unhappy. I wanted to work through things with my partner as we have a child together but this is adding so much extra stress I just don't think I can cope. Honestly I have had enough of anger and drama in my life at this stage. Me and my partner have made good progress with our relationship and I love him dearly but this is too much. My SD's sister is now 16 and has been arrested on around 6 occasions for her out of control aggression and I am scared because I can see my SD going down the same route. After having to deal with the aggression from my partner it feels unfair that I have to now deal with the aggression from my SD, I don't know how to resolve this.

I think you should focus on whether this is a healthy environment in which to raise your son. You sound kind and thoughtful, and I'm sure you'll reach the right decision.

I don't think you have any choice but to leave sorry. you need to protect your son

Is your sd mirroring your partner? Its an awful situation for the children.If he has been aggressive to you then that's the lesson they have learnt.You need to take steps to protect your son as he will just copy the behaviour.

Your partner needs to accept responsibility for this and access professional help for his children and himself.

I think you need to be brave to break the cycle and give your son the chance to learn how to deal with conflict without aggression.I'm sure you dont want your lovely little boy getting in trouble with the police at such a young age just because he copies this behaviour.

Get out now.

Sorry but you need to protect your son first and foremost, and then yourself. You shouldn't feel fed up, and dread being in your own home 50% of the time.

Tell you partner how you feel. Give him the chance to rectify it. Call CAMHs/ speak to the school/whatever he needs to do to get his poor daughter help.

Thank you for your advice and thoughts, it's hard to put things into perspective sometimes. My partner was never aggressive around my SD but as I'm sure you can imagine there has been a lot of horrible feeling around as a result which the kids would have picked up on. My partners aggression made me feel angry and to add to that his daughter started to act aggressively, so right now I don't feel equip to deal with it reasonably with the emotional problems my partner has caused. My SD's sister definitely had a huge influence with screaming the house down etc. but it mustn't have helped that things have been so stressful between me and my partner. I fear for my son, and for my safety. It's difficult when she's yelling around my son because I instantly feel extremely protective over him. I find this behaviour totally unacceptable and generally apart from a bit of telling off she gets away with it. I never feel like anything gets resolved. My partner has arranged counselling at SDs school which I encouraged him to do. It's sad but I had a chat with my partner last night and told him that I'm willing for us to make a huge effort with SD to try and iron this intense behaviour out but if that doesn't work in have to go. I won't accept anymore aggressive feeling around my boy or me. I can't stand the anger that curls up inside of me because of the way I've even treated. My partner is going to have to make a huge effort if things are going to change.

It sounds to me like you haven't really forgiven your DP for his behaviour, you've just glossed over it. If he was truly sorry about his aggression towards you he would have worked out what was going on with himself, done some work on his behaviour and knowing how unacceptable it is, wouldn't now be tolerating the same from his DD. If he was really on board with helping her he wouldn't need you to encourage him to get his DD counselling, he'd be doing everything he could to get her (& himself) some help.

You say "I'm willing for us to make a huge effort with SD" but actually I don't think this is your battle. Your SD is witnessing the same behaviour in her other home from her sister and has probably seen it from her dad in the past, despite what you think, so any influence you have will be minimal. She's witnessing this behaviour all around her.

I think I'd be moving out and letting DP decide how he wants to bring up his DD without leaving myself my DS in the firing line.

"I fear for my son, and for my safety."

That's no way for you to live and it's unfair on your DS as he can't make that decision for himself. It's your job to protect him, not by getting between him and SD while she's kicking off, but by removing him from the situation in the first place.

FWIW, my DP has had anger issues in the past. He has always been hot-headed, not violent to me, but aggressive, throwing things etc. I couldn't put up with it. It came to a head one night and I was scared he might totally lose control and hurt me so I called the police and finished with him. I was not going to tolerate that sort of behaviour.

He has since read a mind management book which has really helped him, apologised to everyone involved, including my DCs and family and completely changed the way he reacts to stressful situations. We've had a couple of counselling sessions, which weren't particularly enlightening, but acted as a starting point for our own discussions.

Because his outbursts had always been tolerated and indulged with a sort of amused 'oh here he goes again' acceptance by his family and ex, he has never really seen it as a big deal or felt like he had to do anything about it. Fortunately his relationship with me is important enough for him to sit up and take notice of my expectations and boundaries and finally learn to address things in a different way.

I think you should use this time to start planning to move out. Contact your local Women's Aid for advice if necessary.

This is a terrible situation for both you and your son. Leaving will underline the fact that it is not normal, and nor is the behaviour being acted out in front of him.

Me and my DP went to one counselling session which unfortunately unhelpful. You're right that it's not my battle, it's hard trying to make up for the examples my SD has had. My DP was violent and he stopped and woke up in many ways when I tried to leave and really made him see what he was doing. We were trying to work things out, and I love him but to be honest I felt trapped between what the right thing to do was - leaving and being a single parent or giving him a chance because it's worth it for my son. And in all honesty I have also been trapped in my own emotions - fear, anger and distrust. So my behaviour has not been great, I even started pushing my DP, which is actually very unnatural for me, I have never been like that before. DP now doesn't know how to help me and thinks it's my job to deal with my anger when he created it. I have a strong feeling of loyalty and duty when it comes to my relationship despite the way I've been treated. I'd like to work things out with DP but his DSs behaviour making it impossible. I mean, her behaviour would be incredibly challenging even with mine and my DPs history but as it stands I don't feel secure enough to want to make sacrifices and support my DP. This is very tough....I'm glad to hear that your DP woke up and changed. It's not until I talk about all of this that and add it up that I am shocked at how on Earth things got so bad....

Your SD has a sister who isn't your SD too?

Was your partner violent towards his first wife/partner? Is she violent?

I just wonder why these two girls are violent, whether the problem is in themselves or whether it's learned behaviour.

You got together with your partner when you were very young. How old is he?

Personally I wouldn't bring up my child in a violent family. If the violent person is your own child, that's different and has to be dealt with, but if it wasn't my own child, I'd be out of there.

It must be hard with the added complication of trying to keep your family together for your DS's sake, but really he needs stability and calm more than he needs both parents under one roof.

I know you love him, but this situation isn't healthy for any of you. Is there anything which triggered your SD's aggression, it sounds like it is only a recent thing? She might benefit from a bit of time on her own with her dad when it's his week. You would also probably be able to see straight without this added stress in your life.

There's nothing to say you can't move back together at some point in the future if he and his DD sort themselves out, but you need to make it clear to him that you won't have your DS exposed to this sort of aggression and that if he wants regular contact with his DS in his own home he will have to make sure this doesn't continue.

My SDs older sister is my DPs ex wife's DD. Luckily I don't have to deal with her, she has been arrested for threatening with knives and all sorts of horrible things before now I was never exposed to. I've never come across children behaving like this! My DP was not aggressive to his ex, but she was very aggressive to him and I think the girls initially learnt that from her, although his ex has calmed down now the damage is still there. My DP is 35 so there's 11 years between us. He should have been strong and been there for me but instead he made my life worse. Sad thing is he thinks he's making up for it but actually I don't think I'm getting any help at all from the emotional damage. I actually find if very upsetting that I'm the only woman my DP has been violent with (I wouldn't wish it on anyone) seeing as I was passive when we got together, I didn't provoke him he just thoroughly believed that he had dealt with all of his problems. His grandparents were quite Victorian in their approach to parenting and they looked after him most of the time and even beat him. He got into fighting when he was a teen but never against women. The most important thing I'm taking for all of this is that I have to do my best to ensure that this is not exposed to my son. I want things to work, I'm welcome at mums house so I think I should start with having a break at hers when SD is over, at least until things calm down significantly. I feel harsh but if things get worst with SD I don't think I'll be bringing my sweet little boy back here. What are your thoughts?

You're saying a lot about what you are going to try to do, but you actually thebone behaving badly so you can't do anything. You can't make other people change, they need to choose to.

I think you need to leave for the sake of your safety and your childs. You have already recognised it is effecting both of you as well as the danger you are in.

You are not responsible for another persons behaviour, or another persons child.

You are however responsible for your childand you must protect him. Give him the greatest and most vital lesson of his life, leave and tell him agression is uunacceptable. You are a great mum and you can do it.

I'm sorry this has happened to you and I wish you the happiness and safe home you deserve.

You may need that separation, but more importantly have you considered counselling just for you? You need to protect your heart and mind so you can be your best, especially for your son.

I have, I tried it but I found it very difficult as the counsellor was male and was the only person available at the time. I am now waiting to hear back when a female counsellor becomes available. Besides, the theory was that talking about it alone would help, but I feel like I desperately need some input.

I am alarmed at how many of you think I should leave. It's horrible to say that when something is so bad so often it just becomes normal to you. I'm not sure what I am going to do yet, DP is aware of how I am feeling and he is understanding that it's not surprising I feel this way after the way he has been. I find it very hard to allow someone into my world and when I opened up to him I didn't expect for him to be abusive, he actually seemed the opposite. I don't believe there is any excuse for abusing somebody, treating them as an object. I am struggling with my memories of this but I still have a strong urge to fix it which in a way is a shame because there is no way I should have put up with all of this. As you are all aware relationships and people are complicated. I find myself feeling unsettled most of the time and wondering whether or not this is the best place for me. Of course I want the best for my son, and I know this situation is far from right. So for now I am going to spend some time with my mum and let my DP come to his own decisions on how he changes both his and his DDs behaviour. Love isn't enough alone but I can't just leave like that. I love my DP, despite his shortcomings he has good intentions and I hate to imagine him hurt and alone. This feeling however is on thin ice and I've realised that my son NEEDS to be protected from the atmosphere in this household.

I think it's a really good idea to go to your mum's for a while. I've just re-read your opening post and seen that your dad is in prison. Was he violent in the home?

You certainly need a break from violence in your current home. I know you say your partner was violent a couple of years ago but I imagine it's still recent enough for you to be walking on eggshells.

You're right to say your son needs to be protected. In your place I'd be planning to stay with my mum for months rather than days - is she good to be around? Do you feel calm when you're with her? Can she stand up to your partner?

My dad was an aggressive person and I know it was a part of his upbringing. My mum on the other hand is a very calm and understanding woman - luckily she brought us up but my dads behavior still had negative effects on us, probably why I put up with it from my DP. You can take from that alone that having aggressive people around you can lead to very negative things in your future, which is exactly why I need to get my son away from it. My mum would be a very supportive person to be around and she know what's going on so has already said that it's fine for me to stay with her. She would definitely stand up to my partner if it came to that but my DP has got a lot more self control than he used to so I doubt it would come to that...

I'm my opinion sounds like such a hammer blow.

I have helped dear friends through situations like this and with less complications, and so I completely understand what a shock it probably sounds, and that it's not as easy to do as to say.

Forgive me but the way you talk is in itself a massive factor in my thinking you need to get some space on this urgently. I don't think you are thinking with a clear mind on it any more, and I think you know it, which of course is why you asked.

The idea about going to your mums sounds like a really good one, as well as getting real world counselling. If this guy loves you he will make things right and wait for you and prove things are completely different and will never go back. In the meantime you can decide if it's actually broken beyond that point and just get your mind clear and healthy to make the right decision for you all in a safe environment.

I feel really sad for you to have to go through this, but I think you're a very strong person and you will get to the right answer.