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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

His abusive ex wife.

19 replies

chaos1234 · 17/02/2015 02:13

Hi everyone , I need some advice on my partners ex wife ....... My partner was taking a shower the other night and his phone rang so I answered it to be asked " who is this " so my reply was who is this , then she said you know who it is you slut put him on the phone , I said no he is in the shower then I got , this is a f'ing emergency you fu@$ ING put him on the phone right now you sloppy arsed c@% t or when I see you I'm going to punch your head in lol and it got worse . When he got out of the shower I told him what had happened and he rang to see what the emergency was and she told him that she was worried about there daughter because she didn't know where she was , and also told him I abused her . Anyway he rang his daughter to make sure she was OK and asked if her mother had even tried to ring her , she said no . So I got a mouthful of abuse from this woman for not giving my partner the phone in the shower because of this so called emergency . This woman has done nothing but give us grief over the years , his kids are all teenagers now and any arrangements he makes to see them are through the kids not her . She constantly rings and messages him and it's driving me mad , he says it's fine because he ignores her but I want him to block her , am I asking to much expecting him to block this woman ?

OP posts:

DioneTheDiabolist · 17/02/2015 02:33

Yes, you are asking too much.

He obviously can't deal with her, despite the fact that he once thought he could have DCs and be their dad.

He hasn't dealt with his shit. He hopes that you will. But you can't. So it's time to move on OP.

wheresthelight · 17/02/2015 06:46

you aren't being unreasonable to feel like that but unfortunately they are tied for life due to the kids so to actually make him block her would be highly unreasonable as there could be a genuine emergency

that said I would be ringing 101 or Google your local pcso officer and ring them and report her threats.

yellowdaisies · 17/02/2015 07:24

If you contact your phone provider (BT, etc) you can get a facility where it shows you the phone number of incoming calls. That would mean you don't have to answer it if it's the Ex. But she can still get through to your DP if she needs to.

concretekitten · 17/02/2015 09:18

I have to disagree with the others.
We have an abusive ex too but she's much more intelligent about the way she does it but the kids are younger so DH and his ex do need to have contact to make contact arrangements.

I think your ex is right to ignore her, she's doing it for a power trip, to make herself think she's important to your DP, giving her a reaction will just encourage her to do it more.

I think in some circumstances its best to have limited contact.

I think in your situation it would work best if you change your phone numbers, get a cheap pay as you go sim that is only for her to contact him on. You can chose when you turn it on.

Log every incident of abuse, record any phone calls and let her know that you are and that you'll be taking any evidence of future abuse to the police as its harrassment.

You could give her the number of a friend or relative to contact in the event of a genuine emergency, who can pass on a message. You'll find she won't be so nasty to say his mum or a mutual friend.

It's totally unacceptable behaviour which you do not have to accept.

Wdigin2this · 17/02/2015 09:49

This is totally unacceptable behaviour, and it is obvious this woman has not moved on, is not very intelligent and is possibly very unhappy in the situation she finds her self...but that's not your problem! However, they have to have contact re his kids! So firstly, if it's his mobile she's ringing, you can no doubt see her name/number on the screen so just don't answer it, whatever your DP is doing, ignore it! I don't have any abuse problems but between constant calls from (grown-up) but needy DSC, and calls from (reasonable) ex wife about disabled daughter (also grown-up), I have learned over the years, to simply ignore/walk away from his ringing phone, they are all perfectly OK with me, but they don't want to speak to me, they want DH! Secondly, as said above, if you do answer the phone, keep a written (exact) record of everything said....but I wonder why you do pick up her calls on his phone, when you know how she will speak to you, you really don't have to do it?!

Original poster

chaos1234 · 17/02/2015 22:16

I answer the phone because it's our business phone and her name doesn't come up its just a number and I don't know her number if I knew it was her I wouldn't answer . I'm just fed up with her meaning less bullshit phone calls to him , he gets phone calls of her in the middle of the night demanding he talk to her while she's off her head drunk , she sends photos of her kids ( to a different father ) sends him messages calling me a slut and if he ignores her she uses the kids as messengers so even if I don't answer the phone there's no escaping her. I have children and a ex so i understand what communication needs to happen for the sake of the kids but she goes above and beyond that , if my ex was doing this sort of crap he would be told !!

OP posts:

TheMumsRush · 17/02/2015 23:36

Get a sim and block her. Give her the sim number. Sound like the kids are old enough to deal with them separately

Wdigin2this · 17/02/2015 23:54

If the woman is making abusive/drunken calks in the middle of the night, you're both going to have to take some sort of action! You can get DH to program his phone so her name is attached to her OP's number when it comes up on screen, so that at least you don't have to speak to her. Ultimately, if his children are old enough he may have go so far as blocking her on his business phone, buying a new personal phone, and only give the number to the children, assuming they have phones.

Wdigin2this · 17/02/2015 23:56

Sorry...her number, not OP's! Flipping predictive text!!

concretekitten · 18/02/2015 00:17

chaos I really do feel your pain.
I also have a pretty ok relationship with my DS's dad, our contact purely consists of confirming pick up / drop off times etc. texts on average contain about 5 words. I'll occasionally let him know about DS's achievements or parents evenings etc.
When we see each other we're pleasant to one another but no real conversation.
He has roughly the same amount of contact with DS as my DH has with his ex, we've been split up less time but there's no anemosity or bitterness anymore.
I don't get why some women are like that, it must be really hard work being angry all the time.

concretekitten · 18/02/2015 00:19

Sorry, I meant DH has same amount of time with his KIDS, as my ex has with my DS

LineRunner · 18/02/2015 00:25

Chaos1234, apart from all the other issues, could you get caller display on your business phone?

Thumbwitch · 18/02/2015 00:26

I would get a recording device and tell her you're recording her abuse and will be reporting it to the police.
Save any abusive text messages and tell her you'll be reporting her to the police.

She's a bully - and she's being allowed to bully you - your ex is probably doing the right thing by ignoring her, but he's not right to allow this to continue to you, so take it into your own hands and report her if it continues.

I'm betting if you tell her you're recording her the abuse will stop; if not then record away and report her.

Thumbwitch · 18/02/2015 00:27

Reporting for harassment, if that wasn't clear, sorry.

AnotherGirlsParadise · 18/02/2015 14:32

I'm with concretekitten on this.

My DP's ex has made his life a misery for 15 years. When he and I got together, she did everything she could to dig information up about me, up to and including contacting my own violent ex! DP is now pretty much NC with his 14yo from that relationship, because the woman just drips poison into the kid's ear and he believes it. She keeps trying to report me to social services out of spite - fortunately they realised some while ago that it's purely malicious.

Don't put up with it. If your DP is anything like mine, he just wants a quiet life and will ignore her most of the time. I also agree with other PPs that you need to keep a written record of her abuse, screenshots of messages, any voicemails, EVERYTHING. The next time she contacts you maliciously, call the police - for harassment cases to be taken seriously, you have to keep reporting it. There needs to be a solid paper trail on their system.

I feel for you x

Beckyboomum5 · 18/02/2015 16:59

I am in the same boat as most of you guys when it comes down to DOH abusive ex wife. She is always on the look out to see what trouble she can cause. For example she will;

Call him over little details
text him abuse
stalk me though what ever social media
make up stories about me on her FB page
she tried to get my DOH arressed for harrassement over him stopping her bringing her druggy BF in to the childrens life (this backfired and now she is getting investigated by the SS)

I have vented and begged advice on her myself and the respose has always been the same. Breath and walk away from her. It is not worth the space in your head. Just focus on your actions and thoughts.
Make sure the enviorment your DC and DSC come into is calm and steady.

You cannot be reasonable with the unreasonable so dont waste your engry.

From a legal view you could do what we have to do (to cover your back) recored all the abuse she send your way (times and dates are a must)
You need to show her harressement and abuse of your and your family is over a period of time and not just a one off.

Stay well.

Original poster

chaos1234 · 26/02/2015 22:59

Seems I'm not alone , I will be taking notes from now on and will also try not to let the cow piss me off so much lol . I really wish she would vanish , there seems to be no way of getting her out of our life , if she isn't ringing or texting she gets the kids to on her behalf , we were sitting watching a movie the other night when the partners phone beeps , it was his 15 yo daughter saying mum wants to know if you can put money into her account so she can buy us school lunches WTF this woman abuses us then wants a favor , she can afford smokes and booze but not lunches for the kids ? He was actually considering sending her money so I cracked it and got her number and sent her a message to go scrounge off someone else , oops ! Then ended up being abused by the daughter because daddy should help mum out when she needs it . My partner pays for all the girls flights to come visit he pays for all there schooling and other things they need for school , buys there clothes for them when there here so supports the girls , sorry for the rant but I really feel like she should ask someone else when she is short of a few dollars and not us ?

OP posts:

Original poster

chaos1234 · 27/02/2015 02:59

I should probably add a bit of history about her before I'm accused of denying his kids food . It's not uncommon of her to book holidays (flights ) then get the kids to ring and ask if dad will pay for the girls so they can go to , she has flown herself and girls over here to visit her mum and got the girls to ring and ask if he will pay there flights home because she can't afford it , and she has recently moved from one end of Australia to the other to move in with a man whom she has only ever chatted to on Facebook .

OP posts:

sleeponeday · 09/03/2015 20:33

Does he pay child support regularly, OP? If so then she has no right to ask for more, absolutely agree.

I also think caller display on the work phone and her number on a neon post-it right next to it would help. Just avoid her.

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