Am I expecting too much?

[Sdaddyx2]

Hopefully someone can set me straight on this, its really stressing me out

Background: I have been with my (now) wife for 9 years, I already had a son, she had 2 girls. So basically we have been a step family pretty much since then, the kids get on great and we also have our own child. My son comes round every other weekend, during the week. I live with my wife, step daughters and our daughter.

I think my wifes always struggled with my Son. I cant see hes ever done anything wrong, but it may be rose tinted glasses. Hes not rude to her, hes a bit silly, but hes a kid, hes no worse than any of the others in our family. Hes not really loud, can be at times. Shes never been a massive fan of boys, I think in general she was raised with a negative view of men as her mum was abused physically by her father.

Its very obvious shes not comfortable when hes about, but she tries in my presence. I would like her to be perfectly comfortable, and make more effort I suppose, when I first met her I took her daughters out on my own to get to know them etc.. now I just treat them as my own, I say I have 4 kids, and I treat them all the same, financially, with attention and help where they need it. I tend to be a it closer to my son, and when hes here I sort of feel like I need to 'protect' him from my wifes negativity towards him, it sort of feels like if she does talk to him, its only in a negative way, not mildly, just either a sort of dig back, or to get him to do something kind of thing.

Generally my wife is a lovely and caring person and our marriage is great, its just this bit is a sore point for me, and I think for her. Should I just be happy that she tolerates the situation and almost plays along while my son is here, then forgets about him (to a degree) when hes not here?

Sorry its a long post, I don't know who to talk to about this without getting a biased reply

Who sorts out most of the day-to-day practicalities in your household, is it you, your DW, or is it split evenly? In my experience it's usually the mothers in both "together" and step parenting couples who tend to do more of the school runs, packed lunches, meal planning, homework, appointments, haircuts, clothes shopping etc etc (before anyone jumps on me I know there are exceptions). What I'm getting at is that there generally tends to be fewer expectations on men in this regard therefore the dynamic of bring a stepdad is not necessarily comparable to that of being a stepmum. Therefore the fact that you believe you treat her daughters as your own might not be a fair comparison depending on what your DW does for your son when he's there. Has your DW raised any specific resentments regarding your DS? Is she allowed to discipline him? As your DS is there less than the other DC is he treated more as a house guest or does he pull his weight with family life, do his share of chores etc? You say you tend to be closer to your son and protective of him, I know you think you treat all the DC equally but might this come across to your DW as you showing obvious favouritism towards your DS, possibly at the expense of her DDs and your own DD?

If none of this applies and you do think your DW just has a negative attitude for no reason then your relationship might need a rethink, unfortunately not everyone is cut out to be a step parent. If she's genuinely being cold/snappy towards your DS you may be feeling the long term effects of forcing your families together so quickly. If she has always struggled with him as you say then why did you not feel the need to protect your DS back when you first got together? Having said that you do sound like a caring father who wants to do his best by all the DC and unfortunately if your DW doesn't share your values sadly there might not be much you can do.

Have you spoken to your DW about how you feel, what does she have to say about it?

I second what Snoozy says. I say you treat them all the same but then say that you are closer to your son and need to protect him. This is not the same and if I am honest no kids are treated the same because they have different needs.

It is hard for a child to join a dynamic that carries on as a unit when they are not around, especially when it is as infrequent as EOW. I am not suggesting for one second that this is his fault or he is to blame but equally if your DW if uncomfortable have you asked her why? Was it always like this (you have been together a while) or has it got worse or more noticeable since your joint DD? What are the ages?

You say your DW will have a "dig" or only talk to him to get him to "do something". Is he treated like the prodigal son returning on visits or does he have his far share of chores etc?

Thanks for your replies, i really appreciate them and they have been incredibly helpful

Shes never really said anything to me, when we were first married she said she struggled to find any common ground with him. I've asked if she dislikes him and shes always denied it, which makes me think that isn't the issue, i think shes is just very used to female company, she has a sister, spends a lot of time with her mum, raised daughters, and i refer to my previous point about her upbringing.

Our household management is split really, i tend to do the major decision making (but both will input), look after finances, shopping, arrange 'things' to do, some of the housework, usually do the cooking, where as my wife will sort the kids out in the morning, do housework and bits during the day while i am at work

With regards to my son, i have always wanted him to be treated like everyone else, therefore i encourage him to be disciplined, he does chores (with prompting). I dont want him to be treated differently, just accepted as one of the family, which I appreciate isnt easy as its not the norm for him to be here.

I think your comments have given me some food for thought, my wifes not very open at the best of times, i think i just need to try and encourage her to open up a bit about her own thoughts, I do ask, all the time, she says shes fine and everythings OK, so maybe it is

It may be that you are feeling sensitive about your son because it is you that is aware that he is not as ingrained in the family unit as the other kids.

How old are the children? You say they get on well together - what is the dynamic like between them? Does your son have his own room that he stays in when at yours?

The older, step children on either side are 13, 12 and 12, so a close age and get on well. They generally get on like siblings do, they play and bicker like i did with my own brother and sister as a child. My son shares with our 5 year old when hes here, the other 2 have their own rooms as the live here full time

I think you maybe right, i think part of the problem might be me wanting too much, wanting my son to be treated like hes here full time, when hes not and thats the fact

I don't think it is unreasonable to want that but as you say he isn't and that is a fact.

If all the older ones generally get on well then your son probably does feel that he is part of the family (well enough to have banter with the others). What is his set up like at his moms (are there siblings - step, half or otherwise).

Do you ever go away as a family all together - what is it like when you go out on family days out? Not meaning to fire questions at you but - just trying to get a feel for it it is just a bit awkward and strained due to the change around EOW.

As a SM it is difficult depending on the set up anyway and the changes that take place. Little things that get taken for granted have to change. As an example (and maybe a bit of an overshare?!?). I do not sleep in anything and if I need to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night it would not occur to me to cover up if DSD or youngest DSS is there (or my DS) because DSD wouldn't be bothered if she saw me naked on the landing and DSS often comes in bathroom to chat if I am in shower so he wouldn't be bothered. But when oldest DSS used to stay (19 now and don't really see him much). I used to have to cover up because it would have traumatized both of us if I bumped into him. DH clearly did not have this issue and really it should have been a none issue as it was so insignificant but it was something that meant I had to change something I took for granted the rest of the time. No-ones fault - just the way it was IYSWIM

If your DW says she's fine and she isn't complaining to you about your DS, then maybe you are being a little sensitive as sanityseeker suggests. If she's genuinely being overly negative towards DS in front of you then I doubt she'd have any qualms about being very vocal with you in private about how difficult she finds him. The fact that she doesn't do this makes me think you're observing normal discipline but because it's your son you take it as a personal criticism of your parenting of him.

You said in your opening post that your DW will only talk to DS "in a negative way, not mildly, just either a sort of dig back, or to get him to do something kind of thing." Could you elaborate a bit more regarding "dig back" as it sounds like she's being reactive to him rather than proactively starting on him? I'm also confused where you say you want your son to be treated like he's there full time - but if he has chores etc then it does sound like he's being treated as a family member not a guest - which is it?

You come across as someone who has a bit of a blind spot regarding your DS as you say one thing and then go on to say other little things which contradict your previous assertions. Not to say he's not a good kid but I guess there's a lot more going on in the dynamic than your wife just not liking your son.

perfect example of great advice on mumsnet

this situation is really close to home for me.

After the weekend we have had with dss (7,5,4) my DP could have written this post

will be reading with interest

Dig back = If he says something, she 'seems' quite quick to put him straight, and it sounds less sarcasm, and more of a dig. Or if he does something irritating, she seems quicker to pull him up on it than the others... but I also wonder if this is sometimes the only opportunity she can take to interact with him, as she struggles elsewhere - is that something? better to say something negative to show some willing than nothing at all?

RE: home life, he doesn't have set chores like the others, but I like him to pull his weight ie help with the dish washer or tidying

I am open to the fact that I am the issue here, but no ones ever set me straight on that. But at the same time, I guess as my sons not always here, I have been worried in the past. When he was younger, time with me was just us 2, so we were always together doing things. Admittedly, that was a long time ago, but I suppose I now worry that if hes not happy he wont want to come over, and as hes not here that much, we might drift apart? especially now hes edging towards teenage years.

Yes we do go away, we are always out together, at least once a fortnight we are out somewhere, or for dinner etc.. we do tend to focus on the importance of that, given our family situation

im now starting to wonder if I am worrying about nothing, well, nothing I cant manage myself that is

Thank you very much for the advice, you have both been very helpful

How can the OPs wife do more for her stepson than he does for his DSDs when the boy is only there 4 days a month and the OP lives with his DSDs?

weather I used to have a lot of my time taken up by DSC-related stuff even when they weren't actually here in the house like planning and shopping for their meals, catching up with their washing etc etc. If the OP is the type of partner who is happy doing the fun stuff but isn't very hands on in the day-to-day parenting, but his DW does most of the shopping, cooking, cleaning etc, then in practical terms it's entirely possible she does more grunt-work for her DSS in four days a fortnight than the OP does for his DSDs and his own DD during the rest of the time.

OP has since clarified the dynamic in their relationship but there are lots of little pointers that indicate he may be guilty of some level of Disney parenting when it comes to his DS out of guilt that he sees him less than his other DC.

I am presuming the common ground is hard to find because he is a boy? I only had sisters and then had a DD and then my sister had a DD. He is 16 and I can still find him irritating and lose my temper. My family have always found him difficult and quite often called him naughty when he was just being a boy

I think sometimes step parents just don't click with DSC.
OP you said in the early days ur wife said she struggled to find common ground, it sounds like this is still the case.
I have zero common ground with my DSS, zilch. Having said that I'm pretty sure I'm not snappy with him, no more so than the other kids.
I used to have a friend who had a DD who I just couldn't warm to, she didn't do anything wrong and I didn't dislike her but I just didn't click with her.

You said that you are closer to your DS and feel u need to protect him, do u think maybe your wife gets annoyed with this? Maybe the change in you or the sense that things should change because your DS is there is frustrating for her?
Personally as a step mum I find it really annoying when my DSC come walking in and expect things to be done as they are in their home and so it affects the whole household. Eg we eat different food because they're really fussy, all the kids stay up later because DSC get to stay up later at home, some of our normal rules go out of the window because "awww but my mum lets me".
It's not their fault but if you're tired and stressed it can be annoying.

Maybe your wife is just a bit stressed and having another child to look after is just pushing her over the edge a bit?
Next time ur DS is there u could try running her a nice bath, light some candles, pour her a glass of wine whilst u take over dealing with the kids.
You might find she chills out and starts enjoying your DS a bit more?

I don't think you are the issue here and I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting him treated just like the others. It's irrelevant whether he is there full time or not. She's always struggled with him, is clearly uncomfortable when he is around and you've noticed her being off in her communication with him. I think you are absolutely right to want to protect him for that, and good on you for doing so. Unless she will open up about what the actual issue is though, I'm not sure how you can resolve it. It's nothing to do with how the household chores are divided up either, it's about how she feels about someone else's child.

Have you ever gauged your son's feelings about her? Do you think he has noticed?

Well said sethspeak, the posts saying the op maybe a Disney dad or doesn't do enough housework are nt helpful. Even if the op does nt do enough around the house his son should nt suffer as a result.

As Seth says speak to your son, mabe another family member whose observed the dynamic.

If your son is nt welcome he won't want to come around. Op can you see your son on his own ?
,

I agree that it sounds as if your wife would probably have spoken to you already if she had a big problem. But it's got to be worth opening up the subject when you're alone to see if she has anything to share.

Do you and your son do anything just the two of you?

In terms of chores etc, does your son do any at his mums? If not, he may just not 'get' the concept of helping out without some encouragement/direction. My DSD is not required to do anything at all at her mum's and so when she came to us EOW she used to get up from the table and leave her dinner plate etc, dump cups and glasses all around and wait for someone to make her bed and empty her bath . Could it be this sort of thing bugging your DW a bit?

Whether it's niggles or something bigger or just not clicking, it sounds well worth sorting out, for everyone's sake.

I doubt whether this is just a matter of sharing chores or house rules. I don't like saying it, but maybe she just doesn't want to share her home/husband/family life with a child who is not hers and spends most of his life in a totally different environment! I know that sounds hard, but it appears to me (I include myself) that women find it more difficult to blend with their SC than men do, perhaps it's because mothers are the ones who usually stay with their children, and men move out! It's a very difficult situation, and so upsetting for your son and you, but tbh if you ask her straight out she'll probably just deny there's any issue, I get that you feel you have to protect your son and I really wish there was some way of sorting things out to please everyone..good luck!

OP - if you feel like this and notice differences, this is not disney, something is not right.

Widgin - then the OPs wife needs to grow up and act like a responsible adult. She can not like it but to sleight a child and this is still a child, either by little digs, silent treatment etc is emotional abuse.

She has allowed her DSCs father to fully integrate look after etc her kids, yet is not prepared to put in the effort for his. That is a double standard.

The Kid did not choose this situation and seems to be remarkably sanguine about it on the surface. Why should she be allowed to silently abuse him, because that at the end of the day is what it is.

Good on you OP for being prepare to speak out and up for your son. You need to speak with your wife and get to the bottom of it. she does not have to like, him, or the situation but she can treat him with respect.

Sorry subject very close to my heart and make my blood boil. My then 6 yr old came home and told me XXXX was nice to me this weekend - I said, why do you say that? She said hello, she never speaks to me normally. The adults need to grow up.

I think I would have to mention something to her, in a gentle way.

I doubt it's all in your head. You have taken on her children and I don't think you are asking much of her to show your son patience and warmth.

You're not asking for much.

Quesera, I didn't suggest the OP's wife's behaviour was acceptable, or that the child should in any way be made to suffer.....but not everyone finds step-parenting easy, and so maybe she (and possibly a lot of others) should have given much more thought to the long term problems before jumping in! My experiences are different; demanding, needy and expensive DSD, and it hasn't got easier now she's an adult!

point taken - am not saying it is ever easy but the silent treatment and little digs are so damaging.
MY DC is now 11yrs old and she still does not speak, unless to tell them off, stop them playing with the ipad or if they have done well, to let them know that her DCS have done better.

Mine are tough cookies and take a "her loss approach", which is one I have to say I have fostered because I had no clue how to support them with something I have no input or control over. Every so often, they say something which shows they do hurt and do not understand - they did no wrong. She may hate me but to deflect it on to them is not acceptable.

It truly is a minefield, I came into DH's life many years ago when all our children were late teens, we never had any of them to live with us, but have always maintained close contact with them all. We also tried to integrate them, it didn't really work, but relations between everyone are OK. The problem is eldest DSD, did and still does appear to think that daddy owes her a living, and this attitude has been encouraged in her child, DH is well aware of how he is milked, but is totally unable to do anything about it,none of the other kids behave like this, and it just drives me up the wall....rant over!

Quesera21- Have you ever stopped to consider that maybe your DCs are just really naughty for their SM and maybe that's why she's always telling them off?
I have 2 DCs and 2 DSC and they are treated exactly the same in our home, we have the same house rules for all but unfortunately the DSC do not follow the rules quite so well, so to them it probably does seem that I'm telling them off a lot. I don't 'tell them off' but I will remind them to put their pots in the dish washer, to brush their teeth, to put their shoes away instead of leaving them in the middle of the floor, to put their dirty clothes in the washing basket etc. All things which we as a household do, things that my own DCs do out of habbit but clearly the DSC have done for them at home. We also have lots of fun, lots of laughter and play. But I'm pretty certain they go home and tell their Mum that ''Twinklebell is a cow cos she's always nagging at us''. Their Mum hates me, they know that so they tell her what they think she wants to hear.
Just pointing out that things aren't always as children say they are.
And when my DS comes home from his Dad telling me his Dad's girlfriend told him off, my reply is ''why what did you do?''. From my experience adults don't usually tell children off without a good reason.

Twinkle - please slightly patronising tone.
I am well aware my three are not angels all the time and if they are naughty then discipline is as for the other kids in the house. They do not just tell me when they have been told off, v occasionally they tell me she has been nice. When asked what they mean - it is usually -" she said hello when we came through the door". That children, can consider someone who is an integral part of their life - saying hello - as a notable unusual nice event is pathetically sad.

They tell me things and most of it goes in one ear and out the other.

As you will see on another thread - my DC of their own volition, recorded a few "sessions" on an ipod touch. The rights or wrongs of what they did,we can debate ad infinitum. However, the full technicolour multiple episodes recorded over 36 hrs were unbelievably damning and irrefutable.

Telling DCs off is part of family life, but when the rest of the time is spent ignoring, silent treatment etc then that is wrong.

OP ive been through something similar with my DP and my DS. I simply couldn't sit by and watch him treat my DS different to his DDs. He just hadn't connected with him and he was very indifferent - I'm afraird it was make or break for me. He is my child and my responsibility. I spoke to my DP and to his credit he has made a real effort and I've watched their relationship develop. It takes 2 to make a relationship work - both your DS and your partner need to work at it. Don't be afraid to speak to her x it was a deal breaker for me - he's your child. She doesn't have to love him but he is entitled to be treated like the other children, no matter how often he comes over