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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Dsd inviting friends round

13 replies

Findingpeace · 15/02/2015 15:03

Aibu to want dsd to let me know when she's invited friends round ours? Not just have them show up at our door. Her dad's not home and if he was he would have told me dsd friend was coming round because she would have told him before hand. I think it's common courtesy! Although I know she won't see it that way. Do your dsc or dc tell you before or soon after they invite friends round?

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Feelinghelpless2 · 15/02/2015 15:08

Hi, how old is your DSD? I think it is common courtesy yes but I am more tolerant of this with my DS than my OH is as its his SS.

Original poster

Findingpeace · 15/02/2015 15:34

She's 17 and lives with us full time. I wouldn't have said no or anything as I like her friend. But I just think it's common courtesy. I was cleaning the bathroom and looked a mess! My dh wouldn't have invited a friend over without telling me ahead of time. I'll just have to talk to her about it. I hate the hesitation that's always there because I'm the SP, ie to bring something up that's bothing me.

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Feelinghelpless2 · 15/02/2015 15:41

My son has just turned 22 & lives with us FT. He knows he has to ask, not tell and this is definitely something my OH insists on but my DS will tell me not my OH which is frustrating for both of us. Do you think you could ask her to let you know next time? How would she react to this coming direct from you?

wheresthelight · 15/02/2015 15:42

I not sure I would get worked up about it but I guess it depends if it's just a short visit or someone expecting dinner and a bed for the night. the former I wouldn't care and have a relatively open house policy for mine and dp's friends and dsc's are family so that extends to their friends too - more so if like om your case this was their full time home. the latter yes I would expect to be told/asked as I meal plan a week in advance and not always able to increase meal sizes at short notice unless they fancy chicken nuggets or cheese on toast

mumofthemonsters808 · 15/02/2015 15:57

My Dd randomly pops up with her friends after school but always asks in advance if they can sleep. Sometimes it is inconvenient but IM glad she has friends and is not ashamed of her friends seeing her home and family.

Original poster

Findingpeace · 15/02/2015 16:35

No it's not worth getting worked up about. It's happened before of course as she lives with us but thinking back over the years she used to let me know until the past 6 months or so. I think this must be a 17 year old flexing her muscle type thing. You know the old 'I dont need permission to do anything, especially from my sm'. I'll just have to have a quiet word with her when her friend leaves and explain its not asking permission but rather being courteous.
Sometimes it's the little things that make you grit your teeth isn't it? But put into perspective now.

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SconeRhymesWithGone · 15/02/2015 16:42

I think families may be different on this and that's fine. When my children were older teens, ours was the house where all their friends wanted to hang out, which I liked because it meant I knew where mine were. Their friends dropped by all the time with no warning, and I only expected to be asked if they expected us to feed them or if they were staying overnight.

SconeRhymesWithGone · 15/02/2015 16:43

We did have a limit on how many could be there when we were not home.

thepurplehen · 15/02/2015 17:08

Your dh should expect his dd to consult you as a matter of course. You shouldn't have to ask for this sort of courtesy in your own home. If she would ask her dad, she should ask you.

trappedinsuburbia · 15/02/2015 21:43

My dsd used to do this as well, it didnt occur to me she had to mention it beforehand, if i was in the middle of anything id enlist them all to help me !! Dsd was only an occassional visitor, if she lived here full time, id fully expect random knocks at the door .

Runnyhunny · 15/02/2015 22:34

My dd 17 has a full on social life. Her friends all come and go as they please but dd would always ask out of courtesy if anyone's staying- or of course eating. This is normal I guess, but it's EXTREMEMLY irritating for you if your dd is ony asking her dad, not you- it's as if she's making a point.

yellowdaisies · 17/02/2015 07:32

I work on the basis that they can have friends round without asking, but need to ask if the friend will be eating or staying over. But if you're sure your DSD would always ask if your DH was there then she's being rude by not doing the same with you.

Is she allowed to have friends round when neither of you are in? If she is then it may be very hard to enforce she asks you first when you are in but can do as she pleases when you're not.

Original poster

Findingpeace · 17/02/2015 09:50

It's not that I want her to ask me as of course she can have friends around, it's her house too. It's the advanced warning when her dad or I are in. She's allowed friends over when we're not in but if she knows they'll still be here when her dad gets home she'll text him to let him know they're there. I just want the same consideration. My dh talked to her about this and she agreed she would let me know in advance just as she would her dad.
I get that some families have an open door policy and I think that's lovely and a bit envious of that laid back attitude, unfortunately, that's not me, or to some extent my dh and my dsd knows this as she always gives him advance warning.
Even after 5 years this step parenting thing is a mine field!

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