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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Help needed pls

22 replies

patch123 · 14/02/2015 19:21

Hi I am new here but hoping as people in the same situation you may be able to offer some advice.

I am divorced with two boys aged 11 and 8. I have a partner and we've been together 2 yrs and it was a VERY gradual integration and he didn't see the boys for most of the first year plus I knew him 2 years before that. He is 34 and I'm 39 but I am his first relationship and he doesn't have children or any experience. So understandably it was different for him coming into an established family. We had some teething problems but he did so well and when he chose to be was amazing with the boys. He is a very selfish person and has a very short fuse so that has been a problem but generally fine. He would stay at mine 5 days a week and was about to move in. Suddenly about 2 mths ago hes started to have less tolerance, judging my parenting, critising me and my boys, my eldest in particular. My 11yr has been affected by me and his Dad splitting up and found it very hard to accept a new person but has done well. He also is harder work than my 8yr old as he's hitting puberty and has very low self esteem and can be challenging. He fidgets all the time, gets angry and is demandung but I am having this investigated as could be adhd or similar. Anyway things wirh partner have become awful, he says if my eldest wasn't around he'd be happier, he says spending time with me and the boys in the eve is dead time and has been very critical. But most of the things he critises are just because they re children, not because they are awful. But being childless he is judgmental and has the attitude "if they were mine they wouldnt do that!". We have now stripped it back to 2 yrs ago when he only comes round when the boys aren't here which is not a long term solution. I am very hurt and now very protective about the three of us. Last weekend I asked him are we what you want and he said "I don't know". Would welcome some advice whether you think I should get out of this, whether it will get better, whether I need a man with his own children or paternal bone in his body! I was very much in love with him but feel quite differently at the moment as all he wants to do is act like he's 18 which is basically what he's been doing for 34 yrs. Thanks, sorry its long.

OP posts:

BafanaThesober · 14/02/2015 19:25

Leave, leave now
Don't look back
Your kids come first
He don't sound like much of a prize to be honest!!

Feelinghelpless2 · 14/02/2015 20:09

As someone 6 years in and as much as it hurts leave now, it will be a miracle if it changes. It will more than likely get worse and I'm speaking from experience sadly.

Original poster

patch123 · 14/02/2015 20:31

Are you both with people with children or do you have your own? Have you successfully blended families?

OP posts:

Feelinghelpless2 · 14/02/2015 20:34

I have one son aged 21, my husband has no children. We're married now but it's been hard work and awful being piggy in the middle

olgaga · 15/02/2015 02:06

You seriously need some advice? About some manchild who apparently despises your eldest son?

Crikey how can you even like him?

NanaNina · 15/02/2015 02:34

I don't like being too directive on MN but tbh I don't think you and this man have a future. I am SO glad you are going to put your boys first because this is so important. The thing is at 11 your eldest is on the cusp of adolescence as you say and as he gets into his teenage years, I hate to say it but if this man is still around, things will almost certainly get worse. Teenagers can be very difficult and you need a lot of patience and don't need to over react to some of their behaviours. Not saying they should have all their own way of course, but they (or indeed any child)needs to be criticised and I'm sure both your sons know how this man feels about them - kids always know far more than we realise.

I'm not sure what you are getting out of the relationship anyway and he doesn't sound like he wants to be with you. It's a good thing he's not there with the boys now as this will be very destructive for them, but I honestly can't see what sort of future you can have with him.

As for the future, I think you maybe need to keep things to you and the boys at present, not that I think you should do this for a long time (you're still a young woman) but the boys will need time to get over this and they will I suspect mistrust any other man with whom you get involved, so it will be really important to make sure as far as you can that it is someone who understands children and knows about their past r/ship with your present partner. Having said that I think many SP situations (or blended families) as they are now called cause unhappiness for all concerned.

I am a SM but thank god the SKs are now grown and have their own families. My own kids are also grown and I am a grandmother now, but I suffered many years of tension and unhappiness because of the SP situation - just so many difficulties with their dad mostly and his ex wife, but if I'm honest I never bonded with my SKids and they didn't live with us but spent a lot of time with us. If I could have my time again I would run a mile from anyone who had children. You only have to look at the SP threads to see the problems.

Maybe83 · 15/02/2015 02:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Seychelles101 · 15/02/2015 08:11

Patch - I'm going to ask some more questions before adding my two pennies worth: do your children live with you full time? If not what is your custody arrangement? How often do the two of you have date night/get to spend time alone each week? If you two were to move in together full time would you consider moving to help your boyfriend feel as if he's on his own territory? Have you or he read any stepfamily books such as "The Step-Parents Parachute" to try to understand some of the feelings involved in this triangle? You've only been together with your boyfriend for 2 years, whereas you've lived and bonded with your own flesh and blood for 11 and 8 years....

Mermaidhair · 15/02/2015 08:17

Run!

Original poster

patch123 · 15/02/2015 08:48

My boys do live with me fulltime. They stay with their Dad weds eve and every other weekend so we get a lot of time to ourselves.. Yes we had planned to buy a house together starting in January but obviously that's not happening right now. We have both read some things online re:stepfamiles but feels like its never put into practice by him. Would be interested in your thoughts...

OP posts:

Original poster

patch123 · 15/02/2015 08:50

Nananina- Thank you. The thing is even though you didn't bond with your sk I assume you were pleasant understanding towards as you obviously loved your husband enough to marry him and stick with it. I'm not sure I feel the same sentiment coming from my dp..

OP posts:

Original poster

patch123 · 15/02/2015 08:51

Sorry, should say pleasant and understanding towards them

OP posts:

riverboat1 · 15/02/2015 08:53

I am childless and a SM. I went through a phase near the start where I was always thinking 'if DSS was mine I wouldn't let him get away with that' and generally finding him unreasonable/irritating. I was basically judging him by adult standards of behaviour because that's all I knew.

However, the difference between me and your DP is that I kept those thoughts to myself and dealt with them internally and by reading/posting here. After a while I had some breakthroughs in realising that I had totally unreasonable expectations of a child.

Sure DSS isn't perfect, and occasionally I raise the odd thing with DP, but that's it. And I would NEVER say to him I would be happier without DSS around, I think that's a really awful thing to say to you.

I think your DP's feelings are to some extent understandable at the beginning, but it's worrying that he is going backwards and not forwards, and that he doesn't seem to be attempting to deal with it all in a constructive way.

Original poster

patch123 · 15/02/2015 09:08

So you acted in a respectful and adult manner which is what I need. I do understand how hard it is for him but as you say, the things he's said are very hurtful and mean.

OP posts:

Seychelles101 · 15/02/2015 09:24

Ok so on that basis I will add my thoughts: yes you guys are doing all the right things, it's understandable DP has those feelings, I'd be feeling the same as you, and no things are not going in the

What are your DP's thoughts on how the situation could be improved? If it includes your children not being a part of the equation I'd say that you have quite a clear answer.... But if you're both willing(?) and you think he's worth investing in, you could seek some couples' counseling.

When I was part of a step-family (not having children myself), I too found the first couple of years difficult and didn't enjoy having the children come every week for half the week - it would feel as if they'd only just gone to their mums by the time we got them back and had gotten our energy back. But I also understand that it can take a step family about 5 years to form.

Seychelles101 · 15/02/2015 09:25

right direction (silly ipad!)

Findingpeace · 15/02/2015 16:12

I too am a childless SP and I found the first few years really hard. Especially as I had 2 teenage dsds. The teenage years are really hard for most parents, never mind a SP with no maternal or paternal bond. I also had unrealistic expectations of their behaviour, still do sometimes. And I work with children and teenagers. BUT as riverboat said, I kept most of my negative thoughts to myself and used my friends as a sounding board. I tried to never be unkind to my dh or my dsds.
This man sounds immature and worse he sounds inflexible. Your son's coming into his teen years and he's going to need some flexible parenting. From my experience step-parenting (and parenting) gets harder as they become teenagers. If your partner can't be be more flexible and kind then it may not work for all of you.

Onthedoorstep · 15/02/2015 17:19

He is a very selfish person and has a very short fuse

You don't need this in your life!

Original poster

patch123 · 15/02/2015 17:51

I know you're right but keep giving him the benefit of the doubt as he says he wants to work on it. Why is it do hard? Think I'm scared of being alone as I haven't really ever been. I also feel hurt and betrayed by dp as feel he has used me to gain experience in a relationship having not had one before and then he will just go off and fo all the stuff we wanted to (have a baby, buy a house, get married) with someone else and that makes me really angry and resentful..

OP posts:

nottonightjoesphine · 15/02/2015 22:09

He sees time with you and your children as 'dead time'

This is actually heartbreaking. Please don't accept this OP. Please don't.

NanaNina · 16/02/2015 01:03

No one can see into the future Patch and I don't think it's helpful for you to be imagining what might happen with your DP and feeling resentful about what will probably never happen. To be honest he doesn't sound much of a "catch" to me so don't think the women will be forming a queue! He is almost certainly "set in his ways" after being single for so long..........but why not just stick to seeing him when the boys aren't around, sounds like a reasonably good arrangement to me.

farmerhana · 16/02/2015 09:47

I am a mum, but was a SM first. When you go into a relationship with someone with a child, there is always the expectation that you will not come first and may not get along with the child. To me, it's a make or break scenario. Your DP does not sound like he is willing to work at the relationship, and as other posters have pointed out children need flexibility. Criticisms can be very hard, especially if your DS has any form of autism etc (though you said undiagnosed, this is me generalising), and both you and he need all the support you can get. I'm sorry, but I don't think this man is right for your family. If he is being awful about your parenting style now, I don't think this bodes well for the future.

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