Now my partner's babysitting his ex's new child overnight ...

[Seychelles101]

I'm sorry I just feel the need to vent. For those of you who have managed to read my other post, it was the story about me having moved overseas to be with my partner, whose ex has Borderline Personality Disorder and he was diagnosed with severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder last year.

So tonight I call my boyfriend, who moved out of our home last year to buy a house 300m from to his kids when they're with their mum (vs a 10 min drive). I could hear coughing in the background whilst we were talking. Boyfriend has his kids to sleep over 2 nights a week so I assumed it was one of his kids and wanted to know if they were ok. When I asked him which child it was, he replied 'oh it's neither, it's the kid's half sister (the one born to the kid's mother after my boyfriend and her divorced), who is sleeping at his house because the mum needed some help. My question is why am I so uncomfortable with this. It causes rage in me that my boyfriend didn't tell me about this. He says that he wasn't sure if he was going to tell me because he knew how I'd feel and react. At what point do there need to be more boundaries in place and do my feelings get taken into account? Or do I just not get it?

You could say that it's nice my boyfriend helps his children's younger sister by having her to stay when their mum needs help; on the other hand, my boyfriend's never parented this child in any way, his ex emotionally abused him whilst they were together and was part of his mental breakdown and I am just extremely uncomfortable with the situation because where does it stop? I think that one of the responders to my other post got it right when they said that I'm just not a part of their set up and should get off this crazy merry-go-round ... Grrrr....

I can't see a problem with him looking after the child who's his DC's half sister on the odd occasion. And if you're not going to be there there's no real reason he'd need to ask you first.

But sounds like there's lots of other issues in the setup and relationship which are really causing the problems

I would agree with getting the hell our of this.

Unless you want to spend any more time being the stable and reliable gf whilst your dp and his ex continue their complicated relationship.

There are lots of situations where this would be absolutely lovely and show that even though they had split up they were able to put the children first and help each other out when needed.

This is not that situation, you are in a relationship with a man who is still emotionally dependant and connected to his ex. The way things are now he will always put her first.

You can't change him, you can only make decisions about your life, is this what you want?

Thanks everyone. I thought about this overnight and have this morning told the guy that I simply need lots of time and distance to figure things out for myself because it's clear that this situation isn't working for me. By the feelings I have it's clear that his set up/dynamic with his ex never did work for me and is never likely to do so, so seeing as our expectations and needs in a relationship are such poles apart, there's no point carrying on. I'm sorry he's unwell and has been so unwell but I have needs and wants too. You're right Lunar, I'm in a relationship with a man who's still emotionally dependent and connected to his ex ... & no that's not what I want, nor deserve.

I wouldn't be happy with this in the slightest, it's just weird.

I could never imagine even thinking to ask my ex (DS's dad) to look after my DD (who isn't his).
Why wasn't the child's own father looking after her?

If he wants his future to be with you, he needs to make changes now to make his life with you. How long does he just expect you to keep hanging around in the background for him?

I remember your previous post.

I think you are right to get out of the relationship. He is still so tied up in his relationship with his ex, even moving house and leaving you to be back near her.

Start thinking of yourself and start making your life about you again.

Good move, Seychelles.

Best of luck.

Thanks for your comments and words of encouragement everyone. I may need your help occasionally to stay strong, as it's harder living overseas with your original support system, but since he had his mental breakdown just over a year ago, his whole character seems to have changed. I just want a 'normal' life and a 'normal' relationship with someone.

*WITHOUT your main support system.....

Make a start by filling your time with 'normal' things.

Take an evening class in something you've always been interested in. Rediscover a neglected hobby or interest. Exercise is important - run, swim or go a gym.

And do keep posting.

We occasionally look after DSS's half sister, when his mum is in a bind and we're having DSS anyway. But it's a mutually agreed thing, and anyway we love having her, she's absolutely adorable.

Honestly though I think it's irrelevant here - your situation is not ours and I do think from your previous posts that you are doing the right thing in distancing yourself from this man now. Good luck!

I think it was me who said you didn't appear to be part of the set up, and I still say it! I'm glad you've made a solid decision, and hope you find happiness elsewhere. Good luck!!

Thanks Wdigin2this - yes it was you and thanks for your support and encouragement. Well I'm one week in and am starting to hit the angry phase, about everything I gave up for the relationship, the lack of clear boundaries between him and his ex ... how I got drew in to a problem that clearly existed before my arrival and my ex's lack of ability to stand firm and to show the world that he was committed to me. But at least I now have some perspective and by taking a step back I now have some clarity. It's not easy but I'm standing strong. Thanks!