Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

Original poster

boyfriend staying over?

16 replies

nevis42 · 10/02/2015 20:13

This is my second marriage. Husband has two older kids who are married. My daughter is 24 and moved back home last November. She was living with a guy but he cheated on her. She also has Aspergers and sometimes her moods can be bad and won't listen to reason. Anyway she is now seeing a nice guy for about 8 weeks now. She has stayed a few times at his parents house. Last night she cooked him a meal at our house and then he ended up staying over. My husband had previously moaned about him coming and didn't want him staying. Told him tonight the boyfriend was coming over again.....led to us having a huge row. Said he didn't want him staying. My husband has never had much time for my daughter....tolerates her I would say. It doesn't bother me the boyfriend staying. How can I handle this? Currently my daughter is not at all happy

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

CalicoBlue · 10/02/2015 21:21

Your DH sounds as if he is just being awkward for the sake of it.

I would tell my DH that she is old enough, it makes no difference to him and so he is staying.

mynewpassion · 10/02/2015 22:06

One night here and there is ok but if its going to be an ongoing thing, then he has a right to not want him there.

Is she paying rent or anything towards the household?

poisonedbypen · 10/02/2015 22:08

It depends what the issue is. You need to talk to him. Is it a prudish thing? Doesn't he like the boyfriend?

Wdigin2this · 10/02/2015 22:40

I think I would feel exactly the same as your DH! Being very honest, I don't really enjoy overnight guests in general, but someone neither of you really know (she's only been with him 8 weeks, call me old fashioned) sleeping at your home?? I would maybe say OK once if circumstances were that it was difficult to get home, but I would expect the guy to go home after that, I certainly wouldn't relish the idea of it being on a regular basis!

MaudeLebowski · 10/02/2015 22:43

In my opinion, when you agree to have an adult live with you, you should understand their needs to have relationships that include spending the night.

I'd be fighting to allow the boyfriend to stay. Not move in, but one night every week or fortnight isn't a big ask if the pair of them are not under your feet.

WineWineWine · 10/02/2015 22:59

It sounds like your DH is just being difficult. There's no real reason for his objection, he just doesn't like it. It also doesn't sound like he handled it well by not discussing this and agreeing it with you first, then causing an argument.

Wdigin2this · 10/02/2015 23:08

I personally think, 'he just doesn't like it' is not totally unreasonable, his opinion/feelings in this situation surely matter as much as everyone else's? Perhaps when he agreed the first time he didn't realise it was going to get regular, nevertheless, he should be able to discuss it without turning it into an argument!

Onthedoorstep · 11/02/2015 09:34

I can sympathise with your husband.

She must have started seeing this guy almost as soon as she left her previous partner - it all sounds very intense. I appreciate that they both live with their parents so don't get
Much time on their own but I would feel uncomfortable too.

Is she planning to get her own place?

yellowdaisies · 11/02/2015 10:26

I think you need to get him to explain what it is he doesn't like?
Is he concerned for your DD's welfare - ie thinks that she's rushing into a serious relationship too soon? I don't personally think that 8 weeks in is unreasonably early to be spending a night together at age 24, but people have their own views on that matter.

Or is it that he wasn't asked first and feels he should be asked before she invites overnight guests? Or that you have unilaterlly allowed it without consulting him?

I think it's one of those grey areas that lies a bit between house rules that he should have a say in, and parenting of your DD, which maybe you still feel is yours alone and not really his business.

I don't think it's really for him to bar the BF from the house simply because he doesn't like him much - though you could arrange for your DD to spend time with him without it involving your DH. Could the BF come round when you and DH are out? Or let them spend time together in a different room from you and DH?

MaudeLebowski · 11/02/2015 11:38

Don't get why people are suggesting the relationship is too intense? 2 months into a relationship, I'd be staying over. They're 24!

DH and I were spending a majority of nights together 8 weeks in, and we lived together by 8 months.

We don't know how long they have known each other. They could have been friends for years. It is a large assumption to suggest that he was a stranger 9 weeks ago and that the relationship is moving too fast.

MaudeLebowski · 11/02/2015 11:40

^Should say, DH and I were 23 when we did all of that. We had been friends since 18.

yellowdaisies · 11/02/2015 11:45

I don't think it's too early Maude - but it's not impossible that that's where the OP's DH is coming from.

The OP also mentions her DD has Aspergers, so she may be a bit immature or naiave emotionally.

Original poster

nevis42 · 11/02/2015 12:38

Thanks for all your replies. When BF has been over hubby hasn't gone out of his way to speak to him. To be honest i think its just him finding something else he can moan about of her. They did know each other before going out. After her last 2yr relationship where they lived together (husband didn't like him either) moved back home then two months later went to south Africa to help school children for 3 months sleeping very very rough. After a month being home she met boyfriend. Husband has always given the impression of her being my problem not ours. Despite i love and treat his kids as my own. My daughter is planning to go travelling abroad with boyfriend this November. She intended to go anyway but now boyfriend wants to go.

OP posts:

PeruvianFoodLover · 11/02/2015 20:58

Husband has always given the impression of her being my problem not ours. Despite i love and treat his kids as my own

Has she been "a problem"? It can be very hard for stepparents to accept stepDCs "as their own", particularly if there are behavioural, or medical issues that lead to more challenging circumstances at home. This is especially true where parents and/or professionals who are involved don't appreciate the impact on the stepparent, and where the stepparent is excluded from decision making.

In terms of current living arrangements, I may be reading too much into your posts, but your reference to her living in very rough conditions while abroad, and her plans to travel later this year, suggest that you may view and treat her current presence in your home as more of a guest than an equally contributing adult member of the family.
If she has "guest" status, in terms of bills, food laundry, chores etc, then it's understandable that your DH is miffed that a guest in his home has invited a guest of her own.

Original poster

nevis42 · 12/02/2015 12:24

Thanks for the latest reply. It has made me think for sure. It's true that she does treat the house like a hotel and yes does disregard others feelings. But the emotional side is partly due to her aspergers. Things are calmer now I'm glad to say. After the initial talk about her boyfriend staying she has accepted that. He has been over a couple of times since, been very chatty and then goes home. So hubby is happy again at last

OP posts:

swingofthings · 12/02/2015 17:15

I think I can understand how your OH feels. It might very well be that he never care so much for your DD and tolerated her because he loves you. Unfortunately, you can't expect a SP to love their step-kid, just respect them. He probably rehearsed having the house for you and him without the kids, and then suddenly had to accept that SD was coming back, having to cope with his feeling of frustration with her behaviour and attitude (treating the place like a hotel). Now to make it worse, not only he comes home to her, but to a guy he probably doesn't care much for either, but who is probably also treating the place like his.

Maybe there needs to be a compromise, like a how often the guy can stay, but more importantly how much notice your DD gives that boyfriend will be staying over and then agreeing boundaries (who gets to decide what's on TV, noise level after a certain time etc....)

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread