Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

Original poster

Dd making allegations

23 replies

Fiddlerontheroof · 09/02/2015 23:09

I'm just at a loss ...

Dd is making all sorts of allegations about my ex husbands wife. ( she was OW for five years and is difficult in many respects, likes to turn up at medical and school appointments uninvited etc etc)

They include "she's growling at her," being nasty when her dad isn't about, shouting at her....and that she has nearly hit her on several occasions . And all sorts of similar things.

I tried to broach it sensitively with my ex, and his response was to accuse me of tale telling, being taken in by dd's lies, and that I should just tell her she is lying and refuse to listen to it. He then refused to have her and her brother for their overnight contact this week, and for the rest of this month.

Dd is very difficult at the moment, massive tantrums, poor behaviour...in both homes..she is also disabled,

I'm also her mum, and I have to listen to her concerns and try and understand them and support her. I think she's exaggerating, and I also think step mum is giving her alot of silent treatment when she's there. It's probably six of one half a dozen of the other...as dd is pretty arsey and difficult sometimes.

I am at a loss what to do next as Ex OH refuses to discuss it, and dd is now saying she doesn't want to go there while his wife is there,

Their one overnight a week ( he lives less than five mins away, but chooses not to see them more than that) is vital respite for me, on top of it being so important they have time with their dad...but it's all going horribly wrong,

I'm at a loss how to deal with it anymore. Ex won't go to mediation, or sit down and discuss without getting cross, and he now insists he won't have his wife put in a vulnerable position by having his dd there.

I'm trying to be sensitive...there's a lot of bloody crappy history...they've behaved pretty appallingly...but I do try and rise above all that for the sake of the kids...and this isn't malicious towards her..I just need everyone to get on. Particularly for dd's sake.

Any advice would be great thanks.

OP posts:

Callooh · 09/02/2015 23:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RandomMess · 09/02/2015 23:18

Urgh - aren't you glad he's your ex!!!

Can you ask your ex, what days/nights he is around this month that he can have them both as dd needs to see you as a united team and that she doesn't get to call the shots (would that appeal to his ego?)

I think with your dd as you expect their is exaggeration going on can you do lots of reflective listening when she complains along with a dose of "it can be difficult getting along with people in our lives and there will always be people like that" type of attitude.

Original poster

Fiddlerontheroof · 09/02/2015 23:39

Thanks, I have asked ex....he tells me he's very busy this month with work.

Reflective listening sounds good, x

OP posts:

RandomMess · 09/02/2015 23:50

Hmm what will appeal to his ego, I think that is your best shot with him!

Do you think he would at least call in and see them at some point ?

What an arse that he won't see them for the month!!!! I can understand his wife insisting on him being there tbh.

Original poster

Fiddlerontheroof · 10/02/2015 18:48

I doubt it, he doesn't like coming to the house....sigh...he's not very on board. I will suggest it though x

OP posts:

Quesera21 · 10/02/2015 22:23

Fiddle I feel for you.

there is undoubtedly going to be some exaggeration - but something is going on for her to start saying stuff.

My then 5 yr old said the same - lot of silent treatment, ignoring, treats for her DCs and not mine etc. EX refused to engage and said DC was making it up.

5 yr old sneaked my ipod touch, charged it and took it without permission on their next infrequent visit and recorded. Exactly why many step parents refuse to have pics taken in their house, video etc because it goes back to the EX!!

Well in this case it was justified. " your mother tricked your Dad into having you - he wishes you were never born" - " tell your mum she is making life difficult by not talking to me", " here kids have some chocolate - not you XXX, you do not deserve it, you do not live here"

It was heartbreaking to hear and EX refused to listen to it initially - he did in the end. It was irrefutable. I pod touch banned from there house!!!!Has never acknowledged that she was emotionally abusing his DCs. Now they just get the silent treatment.

Sadly she too was the OW.............

TheMumsRush · 10/02/2015 22:40

Quesers, while I can understand why you gave your dd the iPod the record at her dads, I think I can safely say that isn't the reason most SM don't want to be recorded/photoed in their home. Are you suggesting most SM act in this way? Or maybe it's just about privacy I'm their own home.

TheMumsRush · 10/02/2015 22:41

In their

TRexingInAsda · 10/02/2015 22:47

I'd give a recording device too tbh. If you don't know who to believe, get some evidence. I do think everyone should have privacy in their own home - but not at the cost of them abusing my dd.

TheMumsRush · 10/02/2015 22:49

I agree but I just don't like that this is the main reason MOST sm don't want it in their home, to avoid being caught being cruel!

olgaga · 10/02/2015 23:03

It might well be vital respite for you.

But I can't see why it's important that your kids have "a relationship" with this pair of utter shitbags.

What's the most important issue here?

TheMumsRush · 10/02/2015 23:08

How old is your dd op? Is she old enough to have a say in her contact?

CitySnicker · 10/02/2015 23:18

Crikey. I wouldn't let them go back if she's talking to them like that. Tell him no contact / contact somewhere else and say as no overnights, maintenance has to go up and get a night nanny in one night a week. Bet he kicks up a stink then. He's punishing his kids for making his life difficult. And she's an unhealthy influence on your children. Idiots, the pair of them!

Wdigin2this · 11/02/2015 00:04

It sounds as if he's putting his relationship with the new wife way above his children's well being and happiness. Whilst I can understand that he has a duty to show loyalty to his wife...and he should do so, his children's safety should be up there in his priorities too! However, you now have irrefutable evidence that this woman is, at the very least, behaving nastily to your children, so you have every right to stop access! I say, go with Citysnicker's advice!

NickiFury · 11/02/2015 00:06

There's absolutely no way my dc would be going back there. I have two dc with autism and I am on my own. I know how hard it is. Is your dd prone to exaggeration? Even if so I would be questioning why she is so desperate not to be there.

Storm15 · 11/02/2015 06:37

Another vote for telling him you need more maintenance to cover the nights he's not having and using it to give yourself a break.

I also understand where SM is coming from insisting your exH be there during contact. The argument about her being put in a vulnerable position because of your DD's allegations is a valid one.

If your exH won't have a reasonable discussion, could you approach SM directly?

fedupbutfine · 11/02/2015 06:46

Jesus wept. Is it now the case that children are to be believed about any abuse they are in receipt of unless it is a step mother who is being accused?

My own children went through this with the OW. My ex did eventually stop ignoring it and ended the relationship. He then went back to her 6 months later and didn't bother with his children for 15 months. He has had numerous women since and they are always compared to her ....'she's no where near as bad as S, mummy'. Very sad for them to see/feel that about their father and his relationships.

sanityseeker75 · 11/02/2015 09:39

Is it now the case that children are to be believed about any abuse they are in receipt of unless it is a step mother who is being accused?

I don't think anyone was suggesting that Fedup, any more than Exactly why many step parents refuse to have pics taken in their house, is a red flag that it must be because all SM are wicked abusers especially if OW.

The OP said that she believes it is 6 of one and half dozen of the other because she gets that her DD s very difficult at the moment, massive tantrums, poor behaviour.

I agree with others that said maintenance increase but the real issue is then you have no break. Is there no respite that your DD could go to (even if not for overnight just activities in the day)?

Original poster

Fiddlerontheroof · 11/02/2015 12:46

Thank you everyone. Because he has them less than 52 nights a year he is already paying full maintenance... Though he's creative with what he declares, having several incomes. He won't give anymore, in fact major expenses are met by me... I get what he has to pay judged by the CSA and that's it.

I'm sorry to drip feed, but each time I confront him or threaten anything he just refuses to speak to me and stops seeing the kids. So I don't do it anymore. That's really hard as they want to see him and drive past his house daily. As an example last year, his wife cut my sons hair (badly!) and I protested.... That resulted in 7 months of him not seeing them.

I did write him a letter, very non confrontational last weekend explaining that him cancelling contact with two days notice was very unfair on me, and the kids and trying to explain why I was trying to be sensitive here and not immediately accuse his wife.

He returned it having written on the front" I will not read letters, if you have anything to say, say it to me personally'

So I rang him....

That was Monday and he's still not called me back...

Sorry it's hard not to drip feed ...my family are wonderful and support with respite, every couple of weeks but they are all busy people and it's simply not their responsibility!!

I don't think I'm ever going to get it into his thick head that his kids come first.

I really appreciate your advice, thanks

Dd is 11

OP posts:

TRexingInAsda · 11/02/2015 15:29

I don't think I'm ever going to get it into his thick head that his kids come first.

I think think problem is that they don't. Not to him. You can't make him a better father or a better person.

If I were you I'd stop mentioning respite or the fact that you need him to have dd. He doesn't care, and tbh, he probably has no interest in helping you out (possibly the opposite, if he is the complete arse he sounds on here). Concentrate on his responsibility as a dad, and his dd's needs. But don't hold your breath, if he wants to play deadbeat dad for a bit because his wife's got the huff or whatever shit reason, there's literally nothing you can do about it.

PeruvianFoodLover · 11/02/2015 19:40

Is it now the case that children are to be believed about any abuse they are in receipt of unless it is a step mother who is being accused?

It shouldn't be. All DCs who make an allegation should be believed and appropriate authorities involved, even if they allege against someone towards whom there is a history of family hostility.

I can fully understand the SMs reluctance to engage with the DCs until this is resolved - she has her own DCs to think of, and allegations like this can seriously disrupt families lives.

OP the best way if getting to the bottom of this is to report your DDs comments to the school or SocServ - your DDs disabilities make her especially vulnerable and if she fears violence, then it needs to be addressed.

This really is the best way of protecting your DD, and of "clearing" your DSD SMums name if your DD is exaggerating in some way. It reinforces to your DD that she will always be believed, and if she is exaggerating, then she should expect adults to take her seriously. If her disability will require her to have additional care into adulthood, then that is a particularly important lesson for her to learn - making false or exaggerated allegations could have a significant impact on her care as she gets older.

Original poster

Fiddlerontheroof · 11/02/2015 20:02

Thanks, there are no other children, only mine. She has no learning difficulties, only physical, so she will need to employ carers in adulthood, that is an excellent point.

OP posts:

Quesera21 · 12/02/2015 18:04

OP - I think your Ex and mine are twins/ twunts!!!

I NEVER gave the ipod touch to my 5 yr old. He took it out of the drawer of his own volition. we often video mad moments and I had recently filmed him having major meltdown - made him watch it and he realised how silly he looked.

I clearly remembering saying to him - now I have the evidence to embarrass you on your 21st birthday - we will keep it for posterity!

I can understand why some SMs do not want pics of them, but denying SCs the right to take pics of their half siblings /family/ Dad as they do stuff is just ridiculous.

I personally do not give a rats arse what she looks like, gets up to etc - but seeing my DCs having fun is good.

No good advice OP - it sucks though. Deny access and you are the evil EX, allow access and potentially have your child abused, try to be an adult and discuss it - get called interfering etc etc etc.

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread