Loyalty

[Runnyhunny]

Have a problem which is threatening to ruin an otherwise great marriage. Dh and I each have three teen/ adult kids. His oldest (21) lives with us for the time bieng but has always been cold and rude towards me, eg never saying hello/goodbye- basic courtesy.

My problem is that dh always defends/makes excuses for his ds's behaviour, which makes me see red, as I have no problem giving my own kids consequences for any bad behaviour. It just makes me feel he'd rather upset me than him.

He just doesn't seem to be capable of seeing his ds as he is. This is generally the only thing we argue about. Sound familiar?

If you say hello to him or try to engage when DH is present and DSS does not respond, what happens? Does DH notice/say anything?

I have exactly this with DSS13. I let it go, he is determined to be horrid. Will not come out of his room when he is in the house and will not enter a room if I am there. Will cower and hide behind his father if I do come into a room where he is. His father sees only his poor little boy who has been through so much.

I ignore it. Not very helpful I know, but just so you know you are not alone.

Meridian if dh is there he will smile and give me a one word answer, just enough for dh to say "you see, he's fine!!".

Thanks Calico, fun, isn't it? To have this from another adult in my home just makes me seethe, though I am well aware that my real problem is dh's refusal to man up and that's what upsets me far more than dss' rudeness to me.

I'm on the reverse so my husband and son doesn't get on, he's 22. It's tough being in the middle and it's tough being the step parent. Your not alone and although I try not to side with my son it's so difficult as I'm just more tolerant as his Mum. Hang in there, don't let it ruin your marriage, it's almost breaking mine so I can feel your pain.

Thanks Feelinghelpless, I think that's right as a parent you know when they're wrong but you're just more tolerant and forgiving. In your case I would tell them each seperately that you will always take the side of who you think is right, regardless of who it is- that way, it's not about loyalty to either of them. Am so sorry you're also having a hard time.

The problem is you don't always get to know all the facts, be witness to all the behaviours to decide who is right and who isn't. I think that when you are the one in the middle, you do see things that those involved don't. For instance, I notice that my DH acts/speaks very differently to my DD than my DS but I know that he doesn't realise this that much. It is subtle, but enough that DS picks up on it. It isn't really personal because it used to be the other way around! I also think that a parent supporting their child is not always about believing they are right. I totally agree with the reason why my DH gets annoyed at DS, what I don't always agree with is how he deals with the situation or what he expects me to do to deal with it. It takes a lot of respecting all the points above to work together and not let it get between two loving people.

I would say that as a whole, the best thing to do is not to take any side but let the two to sort things out themselves, especially when the children are adults themselves anyway.

Thank you ruunyhunny. Like you said it's reassuring to know you're not the only one suffering as it often feels like you are. I often the it'd be easier if my husband had children so he could see how it feels but after reading these posts it appears to make it no easier.

No Feelinghelpless it would not be any easier if your Dh had children, that's for sure- there'd be so many other problems, and they would become your problems. That's not to minimise your difficult situation of constantly birng in the middle

Runnyhunny the problem when DH's will not step up and defend you when his kids (young or grown) are downright rude to you is that, you lose respect for him as a man. And if you continually lose more respect over time, you will, to a certain degree, lose love as well....so it needs sorting ASAP!

I would say that as a whole, the best thing to do is not to take any side but let the two to sort things out themselves, especially when the children are adults themselves anyway

That's all very well but the problem is when the two of them don't sort it out and the favouritism or lack of addressing rude behaviour continues from childhood into adulthood and then continues some more. That's probably why runnyhunny is going through all this now, because it wasn't nipped in the bud. But it never seems to get sorted out and that chips away at the relationship I feel for you, runny because it can become a real wedge between you. And in your own home!

Next time your DSS is rude towards you, can you call him on it? Ask politely and firmly - sorry? Is there a problem? Either that, or agree a timescale with your DH when he will move out, as you mention it is a temporary situation. So difficult.

I think sometimes the subtleties of step parenting can be just as upsetting. The natural parent always being asked "what's for dinner" when it's the step parent that shops and cooks or the dsc saying good morning to natural parent but not step parent. Never involving the step parent in conversation, no eye contact when they do talk to you. This behaviour is bad enough from people you don't have to live with (the in laws being a good example) but when you have to live with someone who behaves like this or worse, it's incredibly stressful and a relationship killer. Your dp should be supporting you. Like others have said, this is a direct cause of his parenting (or lack of) and even if he doesn't like you, he should have been taught politeness and respect years ago.