Great day out

[Mariestepmum]

Hi all, you know, I just want to emphasise that being a step mum can be a simply wonderful experience. I read a lot of stuff on here about the negative implications of being a step mother, but it really really can work. We have what you might call a blended family, but the key to success is communication, discussion with all four parents. Of course it's not always sweetness and light, but the key is putting the children at the heart of our considerations. If you can balance that with having time as a couple and at the same time being completely transparent about your concerns and worries, then it can work, so take heart, it's never perfect, never ideal, but it can be super, can be so frustrating; but it makes for a full life.xx

I know this will sound negative (at heart I am an uber positive person) but the devil is always in the detail with this. Your advice is theoretically true, but unfortunately massively over-simplified.

In practice it is never as simple as just communication, saying lets all get along (ha, if only that could happen!) let's make sure we carving out time as a couple.

You'll have multiple agendas (of which you will have no visibility or control), guilt, envy (one of the parties hell-bent on preventing happiness), challenging care and residency timetables and money issues that standing firmly in the way of the utopian situation you describe. Plus of course in a blended family there will be issues around room sharing, space, money issues, DCs and DSCs getting thrown together sporadically, and all the emotion it brings.

This only scratches the surface of things that aren't fixable by one of the parties being willing to do the good things you mention. If all the parties aren't in the same motivating frame of mind, it ain't gonna happen, no matter how many times you say "this can work".

It sounds like you have reasonable communication, at least sufficient to have the conducive circumstances to make it work. Some people (of which DP and I are an example) never enjoyed that throughout DSSs childhood, even though DP put him 100% at the heart, the other party did not and did everything they could to stop it being successful. I smile wryly to myself at the prospect of sharing our concerns with them, it would have been like feeding them with extra ammunition

Thanks, but I think you'll find it had occurred to me to out kids first and try to communicate

I agree with the previous posters and actually find your post quite patronising if I am honest.

I thought hey maybe I've been doing things wrong for the last 6 years ....

Absolutely this

You'll have multiple agendas (of which you will have no visibility or control), guilt, envy (one of the parties hell-bent on preventing happiness), challenging care and residency timetables and money issues that standing firmly in the way of the utopian situation you describe. Plus of course in a blended family there will be issues around room sharing, space, money issues, DCs and DSCs getting thrown together sporadically, and all the emotion it brings.

And this

This only scratches the surface of things that aren't fixable by one of the parties being willing to do the good things you mention. If all the parties aren't in the same motivating frame of mind, it ain't gonna happen, no matter how many times you say "this can work".

You are one of the lucky few who has found a solution that works for all. How can you find a solution if one party isn't willing to reason or communicate no matter how much you can show it's what's best for the children.

We'd all love a simple life in a blended family. Unfortunately 9/10 it will never be. It is what it is and you have to work through as best you can. It's not as cut and dry as communication. A lot of other factors come in to play.