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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

I can't cope with dsd full time. What now?

58 replies

Onthedoorstep · 15/01/2015 22:47

We've been living together for six months. It was 50:50 care but now dsd is living here 90% of the time.

The house is small. I am an introvert. I cannot cope any more. Every day is a drama.

What now? I don't know what to do next. I could ask DH to move out. I could ask him to tell her we don't want her 50:50. That seems wrong. If he moves out then I don't think she will want to live with him so much. Then what?

What now?

OP posts:

Mrsteddyruxpin · 16/01/2015 15:01

I couldn't cope with this and two dc aswell. I don't think it's fair to have to deal with more than 50 per cent care tbh - it's not right that her mother is expecting you do do all the graft. Surely she should be looking after her her own flesh and blood proportionately ???

Thumbwitch · 16/01/2015 15:06

So it's her own choice to spend so much time with you and her Dad, because she doesn't get on with her mum, is that right?

I think you really do need to sit down with your DH and re-define how that is going to work, and your role in your DSD's life. You need to be more involved, not sidelined in the way you are being. Your DSD is making a choice that she prefers your household to her mother's - it might be because her Dad is too lax with her, or it might be because she likes you all more - but tightening up the laxity might show which.

Tell your DH that you need to have parental levels of input to your DSD's management, else she'll have to go back to her mother's more often.

PeruvianFoodLover · 16/01/2015 16:17

I don't think it's fair on the OP to be expected to "parent" her DSD, tbh - and not fair on the DC, either, really.

The OP says that her DSD would not want to spend as much time with just her Dad as she does with both of them; which suggests that the DC has become emotionally reliant on the OP. That's not a healthy relationship to have with a stepparent, tbh.

Given her mental health problems, I think that the OP taking a parental role now could be very damaging - the OP is not the DCs parent, and either one of her parents could, at any time, make decisions that immediately eliminate the OP from the DCs life - or the OP could find herself in a situation in which one of her own DCs requires her full commitment, and she will (understandably) wish to step back from her DSD.
A stepparent should be a bonus, not a necessity or requirement in a DCs life - no matter how old the DC is.

Original poster

Onthedoorstep · 16/01/2015 18:25

Peruvian: That's what I don't understand.

Am I a parent figure? Should I be asking to attend family liaison meetings?

Am I a friend?

Am a landlord? I've no bloody idea what i'm supposed to be or do.

At the moment i'm largely just a person who is going to bed early and doing nothing useful at all and crying every time someone asks me how I am. :(

OP posts:

minkGrundy · 16/01/2015 18:32

Op have you seen anyone about your own MH?

Original poster

Onthedoorstep · 16/01/2015 18:34

I work in the sector. I am aware of my own limitations and that I am not coping at the moment.

OP posts:

pictish · 16/01/2015 18:36

I sympathise OP...I am not an introvert, but I know I would struggle to cope with her too.

ArsenicFaceCream · 16/01/2015 18:55

OP WHAT IS YOUR PARTNER SAYING about it all? What conversations have you had?

You are not answering that point. It is absolutely key.

Agree with the others that you need to be included in meetings and appointments, but your discussions/agreements/communications within your relationship are central to resolving this, or not.

Original poster

Onthedoorstep · 16/01/2015 19:02

He is largely very apologetic, but doesn't see it as much to do with me. He thinks it is something he needs to resolve with DSD's mum.

OP posts:

ArsenicFaceCream · 16/01/2015 19:22

You need to make him understand the impact that it is all having on you then.

Is the problem that you have tried to do so and he isn't listening/understanding?

esiotrot2015 · 16/01/2015 19:26

You don't mention your younger children and how they are coping ?

If you're miserable they will notice & be affected :(

It's a deal breaker really if it's impacting on them.

Foolishlady · 16/01/2015 19:28

Does he understand that you are close to breaking point? If you or he move out do you see it as the end of the marriage or just living separately?

aprilanne · 16/01/2015 19:36

there are two problems here 1 the young adult is mentally ill in some way .and 2 the op does,nt love her and she will be picking up on this .i have a autistic son and if his father asked me to choose .i would be out the door like the shot of a gun son,s intow .sorry but you took on a package .and no one knows if there child will be healthy all there life .i do think YOU SHOULD be consulted on her care right enough .

aprilanne · 16/01/2015 19:38

my husband has mental health problems and i understand they are challenging but she is just a child .

Thumbwitch · 16/01/2015 23:36

"I don't think it's fair on the OP to be expected to "parent" her DSD, tbh"

I'm not saying she should be expected to do it, I'm saying she should be allowed to do it where necessary as the child's father seems to be failing somewhat in this aspect and excluding the OP. There is a large difference between "You must be like a mother to her" and "You may set rules in your own house about behavioural expectations" and I can't believe you can't see that, Peruvian

OP - your DP is dreaming if he thinks that your DSD's current situation is "nothing to do with you" as she's in your home 90% of the time, affecting your health (mental and physical) and affecting your own DC. If he can't see or accept that his DD IS having an impact on everyone else's life, and you deserve to have more input into how that is managed, then I think perhaps he should move out with his DD and deal with it on his own! Perhaps you should suggest that to him as he obviously has severe blinkers on at the moment.

Original poster

Onthedoorstep · 16/01/2015 23:54

My children love her and I am very fond of her too (no I don't love her like my own). She is lovely and I want her to blossom and feel secure.

I just feel completely drained with it all. One massive bonus to me of getting divorced was being able to be refreshed to deal with my
Children in the times I didn't see them - I could sleep and be quiet and find myself. I know that is a luxury. I just feel I've lost it now. I'm wrung out.

OP posts:

Thumbwitch · 17/01/2015 00:02

Maybe then, taking one day out a week to go to your friend's is a good idea. Let your DH deal with his DD on his own for that time. How often do your DC see their own father?

Original poster

Onthedoorstep · 17/01/2015 00:06

I have my dc 50:50 with their dad.

OP posts:

Thumbwitch · 17/01/2015 00:10

So you could achieve a day away from your current DH and his DD fairly simply without inconveniencing your own DC? If so, and your friend is genuine in her offer, take her up on it for now. Recharge your batteries - and when you have a bit more strength, talk to your DH about the situation and how it is going to have to change to work long term. ALso, time away will hopefully help you to deal with your DSD better - but things HAVE to change.

FeelTheNoise · 17/01/2015 08:59

I could have written your OP, and I sympathise, I really do.
I also cannot cope with DSD full time. She is at times so lovely, but also she can be a bully, and there are no consequences for this awful behaviour. If I try to put a stop to the challenging behaviours it causes such a shit storm - I get called a bully by DP, his parents. DSD can behave how she wishes, and no matter how vile, I can do nothing. My own DC hides away, it's not fair. DSD rules the roost, and it's bloody depressing.
You really do have my sympathy and understanding. While I took on DP and DSD as a package, there were conditions attached and they have been completely forgotten now we are under the same roof. I'm stuck

Heyho111 · 17/01/2015 12:28

When you enter a relationship with someone who already has children the children are as much a part of it as the partner is.
You have to accept her living there or you end the relationship. The children always come first.

AlpacaMyBags · 17/01/2015 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

minkGrundy · 17/01/2015 17:55

The children may always come first but they are not always right. They are children and that means that they are subject to the rules of the house. The rules set by the adults in the house even if, whisper it, that adult is not their biological parent.

having step parents (called sps for a reason) is not always easy but it does the stepchild no favours if they are allowed to play one parent off another to erode boundaries or if they are allowed to ride rough shod over the step parent.

It is up to both the biological parents to make sure that their daughter is not using their separation to get her own way at expense of the step parent. It is not good for the dsd.

I say this as someone who has worked with children of separated parents and seen the parents competing to be the popular parent- the kids are the losers in the long run. I have also been a step parent and my own dcs now spend time with their dad's gf.

Blended families are tricky but all the stakeholders need a say otherwise the weak points will be exploited. And ultimately the dcs pay.

PeruvianFoodLover · 17/01/2015 18:34

Blended families are tricky but all the stakeholders need a say otherwise the weak points will be exploited. And ultimately the dcs pay

I suspect that the refusal of all the adults in any given blended situation to acknowledge this is at the root of most problems.
Certainly, if you read the posts here on MN, there are any number of differing opinions as to the level of influence that a resident parent, non-resident parent, stepparent and wider primary carers etc should have in a child's life.

What are the chances of four adults all sharing the same opinion?

DaddyDavid · 18/01/2015 18:46

I think as a step parent of a 15 year old (sufferes from mental health issues) it is very important to view them as your own. I very much view my dss is my own. He lives with us fall time (father passed away) I have also adopted him.

He is difficult sometimes and my dc's probably do have to suffer as a result. They also benefit from stepson as well.

You need to look at your dd and show her love and support and care like your own. It will never compare to your own child but you must try.

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