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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Stepdaughter is wearing my underwear without my permision

15 replies

Mummy1106 · 14/01/2015 07:15

I have a 19 year old stepdaughter which comes in after late at night, gets up at midday, gets dressed and leaves without saying goodbuy. Husband is working away. I was looking for a phone charger and had to go into her room, just to discover my knickers with sanitary pads still attached to them on her bed.
I was shocked and disgusted. I know that she has asked my daughter to borrow her knickers as sd has run out of hers.
Sd has always used my husbands socks, pants etc but this is the first time I caught her with my stuff.
She is always using my hairbrush, dryers, hair straighteners but never knickers.
This is a step too far and I don't want this to ever happen again.
She is coming over today and I will have to have a serious talk with her.
I know that she will deny all knowledge and pretend that she didn't realise that they were mine.
how can I trust her if she is prepared to use my private stuff (probably took them off the washing line)
What should I say?

OP posts:

mdpis3 · 14/01/2015 07:19

My issue wouldn't be with borrowing knickers. Mine would be with the fact that at 19 she thought it was ok to leave used sanitary towels on the bed. Somebody needs to give her a refresher on now you dispose of them properly.

And if everyone knows this girl has run out of underwear (you and your daughter as she borrows from her too), maybe someone could just pick her up a cheap pack of knickers? I agree that I wouldn't want someone taking my stuff without my permission but she might be embarrassed to ask to borrow undies and then forgot that she had left them on the bed.

Original poster

Mummy1106 · 14/01/2015 07:28

You are spot on. Used sanitary towels on the bed is another subject I will talk to her about.
We have so many shops in our neighbourhood that it's uneducable for her to go shopping for clothes and not pick up couple of pants.
She is working and spends all her money on hairstyles, clothes and going out.

OP posts:

Onthedoorstep · 14/01/2015 07:34

Mine does this all the time. She also throws pants away instead of washing them. I buy loads of cheap packs from Primark for her.

I have to say it wouldn't bother me - I would just buy 20 knickers from Primark for her!!

Finola1step · 14/01/2015 07:40

Buying knickers for a 19 year old? Jeff on!

Tell her straight. Leave other people's underwear alone. Wash your own in the washing machine if running out.

She's taking the piss out of you.

BeeRayKay · 14/01/2015 07:42

If she tookthem off the line she could quite concievably think they were your daughters.

I don't get why you went into a room for a phone charger? Do you not have your own?

But yes the sanitary pad thing is pretty (very) rank.

MinceSpy · 14/01/2015 07:52

Does she live with you full time? She's taking advantage of you.

Original poster

Mummy1106 · 14/01/2015 08:18

It is my phone charge that she is using all the time, that is beside the point, she comes into my room and takes the phone charger, so I go up to take it back.

OP posts:

FlossyMoo · 14/01/2015 08:27

You need to remind her of the boundaries within your home. You don't have to be nasty or shout just be firm. I would say the same if it was you DD doing this. Explain that there are certain personal belongings of yours that she can use such as straighteners/hairdryer but you expect her to ask out of common courtesy however your underwear is not one of those items. I would also explain that your room is not a place she can go in without permission. Also point out that you had to remove and dispose of her dirty sanitary towel yesterday which was unpleasant to say the least and at 19 you would like to think she is old enough to maintain her own personal hygiene.

antimatter · 14/01/2015 08:30

I may be flamed for it but i would actually lock my underpants and charger too.
Let see what she would do then?

TheJingleMumsRush · 14/01/2015 08:57

At 19 she can buy and wash her own knickers. If she thought they were your dd's that's not the point either. I was washing and buying my own from a younger age than her and made sure I took enough to my dads. And leaving a pad on the bed is just disgusting.

JorgiePorgie · 14/01/2015 08:57

This. I understand you're upset about her borrowing your underwear but I'd be more horrified about the fact she's leaving used sanitary towels on the bed.

I'd obviously have a chat with her about boundaries though and what is acceptable to borrow and not. I'd also remind her that she needs to buy herself more underwear if she's resorting to asking to borrow from others.

needaholidaynow · 14/01/2015 09:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ByTheWishingWell · 14/01/2015 09:23

I wouldn't mind knicker- borrowing (assuming she didn't take your last pair!), as obviously they're going to be washed. Obviously that's down to personal preference though, and you have every right to ask her not to take yours.

The sanitary towel issue, if you feel you must mention it, I would approach very gently. She'll probably be mortified if you mention it to her, and it was most likely an accident- she took one pair of knickers off, was busy putting on another pair and fiddling around with tampons/pads, and forgot to dispose of the first one. Even if she did notice, and meant to deal with it later, it's hardly a great crime (periods aren't that disgusting surely?!) and it doesn't affect anyone else. You only have to read the skanky thread to realise just what people do in their own space when they think no one is watching!

Moniker1 · 15/01/2015 13:29

I don't know - my DDs were pretty sloppy about sanitary towels, tampons. Didn't have the shameful embarrassment that I did about them. I decided that it was me being a old fashioned and prudish about an ordinary bodily function. I mean, it was in her room after all not on the landing.

I think the taking of stuff is more 'huh, you've got nice underwear, why shouldn't I?'. I would try a stern talking to but resort to locking everything away if that fails.
She will get a rude awakening when she leaves home and has to live in shared accommodation.

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 16/01/2015 06:37

There is absolutely novezcuse for leaving used sanitary towels lying around - it's damb right vile. But depending on your relationship I would approach carefully.

Borrowing stuff without asking is just rude. And wearing other peoples knickers is just a bit weird in my opinion. I'd be telling her to start bringing her own or go without. Maybe buy her a pack and say these are yours stick them in washing once your done with them and offer to wash them with the family wash. I assume you don't all do separate washings?

I think at 19 her behaviour is a bit odd and maybe it's an attention thing. But have a chat and just say that in this house if took need something you don't have then ask be it a charger or pants.

Although I'd have left the pants and shown her and then tell her to sort out. No way would I touch someone's used towel/tampon.

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