Struggling with partners son

[xchar88x]

Hi am new to this and could do with some advice.

Me and my partner got together 3 years ago he already had a son from his previous marrige who lived with his mum (she is a alcoholic ) I then fell pregnant. He still lived with his mum all the way through the pregnacy so always thought it was gonna be the three of us when we moved in together.
2 days after I gave birth he decided he wanted to come and live with us I had just had my first child which come with a lot of complications after I couldn't walk or do anything for 3 weeks. So with everything going on it was the last thing I needed at that moment. My partner never discussed with me about him living with us which I know he is his son so there's no question but I just wasn't involved in any of it I had to look after the baby, deal with my situation and move into the 1 bed flat with my boyfriend and now his son.
Once I got better everything that I thought I'd be doing was just completely changed i had to also look after a 11 year old and a new born while my partner went to work.

I still haven't spoke to my partner about how I felt and to this day I struggle and find it hard i just don't know what to do. I dwell on what happened so quick and I work myself up just thinking about it.
I also find it hard as he is now a teenage boy and just doesn't do anything apart from play Xbox he is getting bigger where he just plays and eats I mention this to my partner but he is too laid back on everything and just lets him get away with so much.

I keep my mouth shut as I feel it's not my place to say but it winds me up inside and I think I will end up going mad! Lol
Any help as to what you think I should do would be grateful just talking about it now has made me feel better but just don't know how or if to mention this to my partner?

You really need to sit down with your partner and have a long talk about what's bothering you and how you're feeling. If you don't you're feelings and going to end up turning in to resentment towards your partner.

I think the reason you're struggling with DSS is completely down to how your DH seems to be parenting him. If he's letting him have run of the house and leaving him get away with so much I can see why your so frustrated.

As for the issue with him coming to live 2 days after baby was born, I don't think that's DSS fault. Again, it's down to your DH and how he completely left you out on important changes which also impact you. He shouldn't have left you looking after a newborn and an 11 year old when it was he who agreed to his moving in without proper discussion. He shouldn't just be expecting you to be looking after him either.

He needs to start treating you as an equal partner in the relationship with equal footing with regards to everything in relationship and life you've built together.

You are completely right thankyou, i feel like i just dont know how to bring the converstaion up? It was a year and a half ago this all happened im only 26 and there is a 10 year gap between us, i knew from the start he had a child which never ever bothered me but just never thought it would end up the way it has.
I think im starting to resent my bf son more which is not in any fault of his and not fair on him either despite his faults he is a good kid.its all my issues i think too much happened too quick and it is my fault ive left it so long to say something i just never knew what to say. Thanks again for the advice has been very helpful just need to pluck the courage up to say something to get it all off my cheast.x

Also he is still married to his ex which is another thing that gets to me it's been 3 years and still hasn't sorted a divorce he keeps saying he will do it and sometimes I feel like I'm just nagging him I even printed out all the papers he needs to make a start which are still in the same place unmoved

He doesn't even talk to his ex as she is a alcoholic which is why they split so I know he does want it just won't get round to doing it

Sorry to go on but feel better just writing it all out

Oh, I feel for you. My DSS is now 20 but was 12 when our DD was born. I was quite ill while pregnant and finished up from a very demanding job on sick leave just after 26 weeks. DH and his ex had wonderful idea that DSS could come after school every day (as well as his usual - every weekend) as I would be home and it meant he didn't go to after-school care/ empty house. He was here constantly until DD was about 8 months old, at which point I snapped and his mother grudgingly made other arrangements for after school. We still got him every weekend so rarely had time with just us and our DD.
If I could go back in time, I would be very clear with DH what I expected from him and what I was prepared to do in terms of parenting DSS. I would have explained how hard I found it to be a new mum to a baby without being a sahm to a pre-teen as well. I would have made it clearer that DD had to be my priority and I would have taken more time out with her, leaving DH to parent DSS. Unfortunately I did none of this and now resent the time I lost with DD and the situation I am now in as housekeeper to 2 men (DH and DSS who still comes EVERY weekend) who I have shopped, cooked and cleaned for ever since which has always impacted on time spent with DD.
Please speak up about how you feel now before you lose sight of how you want your life and that of your DC to be. Go out with DP without DC if possible, sit him down, explain what you're feeling and plan your future properly together. If not, the resentment might grow and affect your DC, DSS as well as you while your DP remains oblivious to any issues..

I think you're going to have to find a way to come to terms with this. Your DSS is your baby's brother and surely this must give you a sense of protectiveness and good feeling towards him.

I don't see how the poor boy can be criticised for having 'the run of the house' as it was put earlier. He lives there therefore it's his house too!

I get that you found it hard to parent a new born with him around but in reality, how do you think other parents manage when siblings are born? You get on with it!

You can have a discussion with your DP til the cows come home but I can't see how any discussion involving your resentment if his son can lead to anything but an argument.

I suppose it's too late now but you shouldn't have had a baby with someone who already had children if you couldn't deal with the consequences of that.

The boy can't go anywhere. His mum is an alcoholic. So learn to love him , stop moaning about him and treat him like the proper member of your family that he is.

Tryharder I don't think she has a problem with DSS at all. The problem is with her partner and how he is so laid back about everything. Why should she have been expected to look after somebody else's son when she's just had a baby herself. Her first too.

And before you say it's not anyone's child, it's her DH's son and she knew all about him before she was pregnant. Yes, she did, but he moved in 2 days after she gave birth. There's a huge shift between EOW access to full time. Why shouldn't she have been consulted properly?

His child - his responsibility.

I know it is difficult but you will have to let the past go and stop blaming your DSS for the speed and timing of him coming to live with you. He was 11 and not the one in control. I don't think you are holding him responsible on purpose but while you do you will feel negative towards him.
Your partner is the one who chose not to discuss this with you and not involve you in this big change. I doubt very much you would have said no to him living with you but I do understand why you feel you should have been involved and I agree.

Take the focus of your teenage SS his behavior does not sound any different from other teenagers. You need to address the attitude of your partner both back when you had given birth and is current lack of parenting. Your SS has had a rough time please try and provide him with a loving home and see the positives in him as well as the negatives as you and your home are the only stable family unit he has.

Was there some crisis with DSS's mum just at the time you were giving birth? Your DP should absolutely have involved you in the decision that he was coming to live with you, but it might help to talk though what happened, if there was some real crisis and he felt he had no choice but to allow his DS to move in right that minute.

Teenage boys are hard to love sometimes (I have one of my own, as well as a DSS!) Playing computer games and eating can be about it sometimes. They can be uncommunicative, rude and centred around their computers and hard to draw into being part of any family.

But you really do need to talk to your DP about how you feel. Practice ways of saying it that don't sound like you're saying you don't like his son. Eg - you're finding his teenager-ness, you care about him but don't have quite the bond and understanding that maybe a parent has, etc.

Is there anything that DSS likes doing with you? Could you teach him how to cook something that he likes? Any sports or activities that you like too? Or TV series or movies you could watch together?

Thats why i have kept this to myself to avoid arguments etc
Ive done nothing but get on with the situation i feed him,clothe him buy him things take him out and given him a proper family lifestyle all im saying is i just find it hard some days and dwell on the past its not something i want to do it just happens which is why i need to just let it off my chest
Am trying my best to get on with things but like i said i just have them days where it just comes on.
Its something ive got to deal with and maybe just speak up more when i feel somethings not right
Thanks for all your positive responses have really helped

I cant really remember if there was i think she was just getting more drunk every day and he decided enough was enough i dont blame him for wanting to move out as i wouldnt want to live with that either
Was just daunting at how quick everything changed in the space of a week
I have tried with him but he only really intersted in xbox but then like u all said i spose its a normal thing for a teenage boy! I think its just getting used to it now
And yea that sounds like a better way of putting it i agree thankyou

What a difficult situation you have been thrown into, OP! Your DP needs a kick up the jacksie from you and DSS. He has been very unfair on you both. It must be such a disappointment that you pictured life with your partner and baby, to find you have to grapple with parenting an older child too. Not easy. DSS has been catapulted into a completely new environment, with a sibling as well. Poor lad!

If it's any consolation, parenting teens/tweens is difficult anyway, even when you have given birth and lived with them. Do you have any friends with older kids you could sound off to? Some of what you describe, while incredibly frustrating, is probably just normal. When you add the other challenges such as his mother's issues and the break up, it would be reasonable to expect some kind of behavioural impact.

You need to have a word with DP about communication and parenting. You have a big heart in coping so far - don't let him take advantage of that. Set the parameters now.

My partner's 2 daughters came to live with us permanently when their mum (alcoholic) went into a home with an alcohol related illness). I was not expecting it and it has been hard work. I, like you, was resentful that it turned my life upside down but I know that as a loving dad he wouldn't have had it any other way. I went to counselling as I was so resentful about the change to my life and how I wasn't consulted. I was told I had to let it go if I wanted to move on. So I that's what I did. It's been a couple of years now and we've had our ups and downs but in general its all good. If you love this man and you want to stay together YOU have to come to terms with the change to your circumstances ... from someone who has been there x

on a practical note OP are you a sahm doing all the parenting day to day ? Does he earn all the money or do you have a private income of your own. do you live in his house with just his name in the deeds /tenancy ? if so , you are in a VERY precarious position. As things stand at present, should (God forbid) he get run over by a bus, his undivorced wife is his next of kin, it is she who can make medical decisions on his behalf, her who can agree about life support etc, you have no legal rights with him at all should he die. equally it is her who will inherit his state pension and unless he has specifically nominated you, inherit lump sums, works pension, house. property and all his possessions . You need to get him to complete those divorce papers , do it for him if needs be , then make sure you get married if you decide to stay with him. There is no such thiny as 'common law' in UK - you need to protect yourself and get the practical stuff sorted.