Can we get contact increased?

[Promethium]

Hi All, we've just had DSS (who's 5) with us since Boxing Day and it's been fab. Every day he keeps asking how long he's got with us and says he wants to stay here. Yesterday he got upset when he asked as we said he was seeing mummy tomorrow (now today). Today then he was asking what we we're doing today and we told him we'd do xyz then after lunch he'd be going to see mummy. He said he doesn't want to go to mummy's. He said "why do I have to go to school tomorrow. Why can't I stay here tonight. I want to stay with you every day and every week." He got really upset about having to leave and kept asking why he couldn't stay.

I don't know why he feels like that. We never slag off his mum. I don't know if how we respond is right but when he says he wants to stay here we always say we'd love him to but mummy (and his little brother) loves seeing him too and can't wait to see him again. We always make it seem positive that he's seeing his mum and say we'll see him soon. DP is in no way a Disney dad. We normally have him every other weekend, he gets homework on a Friday so he does homework here on our weekends and at his mums on her weekends. I think actually we're more strict with him from what I've seen / DP's seen so it's not like he's able to get away with everything here. We make him brush his teeth / brush them for him - whereas she doesn't watch him do them or check he's doing it right or even make him do them, he walks everywhere even though he hates it (except the occasional time DP puts him on his shoulders) as we don't have a car atm whereas he goes everywhere in the car with his mum. We are overall stricter I think, not in a bad way, just in that we won't let him get away with being naughty - if that makes sense. We're not all bad though, he has a reward chart here whereas Mum refuses to have one at her home.

The only thing we do differently apart from reward chart (afaik) is play with him more. He's very much left to his own devices a lot of the time at his mum's. She's got a 6 month old baby so understandably doesn't have a lot of time but even before she was pregnant with DSS's brother she and her DP would rarely get on the floor and play with him. He can and does play on his own at ours but I'd say the majority of the time we do spend time playing / drawing / reading etc with him. Tbh I love it as does DP and we could never just leave him to his own devices all day.

It's horrible when he gets upset about leaving. We currently live too far away to see him more but we're thinking of moving as we'll be closer to him as well as closer to all our family. We'd then be within walking distance of him and his school. Would we be able to get closer to 50:50 contact if we lived closer? It's been a very up and down few years in terms of contact. DSS's mum wishes we didn't exist and has regularly stopped contact in the past. I've no idea how DP managed to get DSS so long this holidays, it's normally a flat out no! They've tried mediation which helped for a few months then contact was stopped again. Solicitor said they couldn't do anything as she eventually said fine we can see him again - though I suspect that was just a crap solicitor! The last year hasn't been too bad, we've seen DSS every other weekend but never been allowed any more. Every time DP asks he's told to F off.

Sorry this is so long but is there anything at all we can do to get increased contact if we moved closer? DP was SAHD until they broke up when DSS was about 9 months so it's not like he only wants to know now.

For what it's worth, my relationship with my dsc has not really changed since my ds arrived. I can't say I love them any less than before and when they are here all the children are just the children so it isn't really fair to say that the op won't be so bothered by her dp' s son if she has children of her own.

Thanks slkk none of us can ever know how we'll feel when we have our own children but I do think it's unfair people automatically jump to the assumption we'll think less of our DSCs. I'm not his mum, he already has one. Relationships are obviously different between DSCs and DCs but I can't imagine me thinking less of him than I do now.

no I don't think that there should be an automatic assumption that op will suddenly want less to do with her dsc if she has her own children. Anything is of course possible but only time and circumstances will tell that one, everyone and situation is different.

Op I asked who moved because it paints a picture iyswim.

Your dp does sound incredibly weak I'm afraid to say. I understand that going through solicitors and courts etc must be a nightmare but equally I cannot understand someone who just sits back and does nothing. It would worry me that if the ex removed contact again he would accept this and ultimately allow his relationship with his ds to deteriorate. I'm afraid he loses the high ground in terms of his view of what kind of parent he is when he is prepared to essentially do nothing when it comes to the crunch.

He is no longer with his ex, for whatever reason the ex doesn't want to be in contact with him so he needs to be pro active and address issues such as schools etc himself, even if that means seeking legal advice.

*And yes I do judge her for not wanting anything to do with DP. If you choose to have a child with someone then if things go tits up then you have to deal with that person being a huge part of your child's life - and that goes for both mum and dad

You assume you know the full story. I refuse to have anything to do with my ex. There's a reason for that. More than one, actually. His new partner will know nothing of that because we are several years down the line and things between us are 'fine', providing we both tow what is now the established line. We both know each other's trigger points and know how to avoid them for the benefit of our children. You can judge me all you want but I am not wrong to protect both myself and my children in this way.

In terms of relationship with the school, I have always taken the view that my ex is able to read, write and pick up a phone. He can ask to go on their e-mail and texting lists. He can get key dates from their website and their newsletters are posted on there. It isn't my job to be my ex's secretary and remind him of his responsibilities or indeed, force him to face his responsibilities. We also have children with significant SEN issues and the school deal with me in that regard - I have informed my ex when there are important meetings but he has yet to turn up or ask for feedback or even ask for sight of ed psych reports etc. In fact, he once told me that by suggesting our children have needs I was 'acting out via proxy' (which in his terms means seeking a relationship with him and/or seeking his attention by pretending our children have special needs). So what's the point in keeping him informed? I have no doubt whatsoever he tells his partners what a terrible person I am but there are very much two sides to every story.

Yes, your partner has a legal say in the schools his children attend. But if he's at a distance and isn't responsible for the day to day grind and routine of school runs, it isn't reasonable that he has a final say on school choice unless there is some clear reason why the children should attend elsewhere (deaf child not attending a school with an appropriate unit, for example, when there's one within a mile of the chosen school). It is very rare that any parent would deliberately make a school choice that they considered inappropriate for their children's needs just to get at the ex, surely?!

fedupbutfine I'm sorry your ex is an arse. If you have nothing to do with him that's fine (and very much your choice) but you're not preventing him from having contact with his DC's. I perhaps worded it badly and don't think for one second they have to be the best of friends or anything, just that DP has a right to see his son and she needs to accept that just as much as DP has to accept she'll always be the mum - just because they've broken up (none of my business why) doesn't mean the child forgoes their right to see either parent - unless of course abuse is involved - and both parents have to accept that regardless of any hurt or bad feelings on either said. As I've already said, he has direct contact with school - I completely agree she shouldn't be his secretary. Totally understand your point about schools - but there are three roughly equidistant apart, some better than others, but she won't take his opinion into account. If it was a case of DP wanting him to go further away well then that would just be daft, but it's not like that at all.

wannabe yes I do see what you mean about moving. Thank you for explaining that. I wholeheartedly disagree with his choices in the past and to a certain extent so does he, but one cannot change the past. We are trying to rectify it by moving closer to facilitate more regular contact, as well as enabling the transitions to be at school.

in terms of the schools, has he researched the likelihood of being able to get into them, catchment areas etc.? Popular schools in populated areas often have very, very small catchments so even if school A is the same distance from the house as school B, a headteacher may well be able to tell you that there is no way on earth the child is getting into School A but will always get into school B. School C again may be equi-distance but if it's a religious school and your child isn't baptized, they're not getting in there either. By failing to put the 'right' choice on school application forms, you can find yourself being offered a place at School D, 3 miles away which no one wants to go to because it's in the middle of a sink estate with poor SATS results (and is in special measures as well). Unless your partner has all these details, and he's visited all 3 schools, he's not really in a position to make an informed choice as to what needs to go on the application form to get the best possible outcome for his child.

DP enquired about the local church school as they've excellent ofsted reports and far better than the other scjools and even though DSS isn't baptised, they offered him a place - different acceptance routes to normal schools so they could say there and then they'd accept him. But his DM said no because it was DP's idea. Now she's moving closer to the church school (and further away from his current school but not so far he couldn't still go there) she's told DP she's considering moving him there - but now they don't have any places!

We've no idea what the other schools are like in terms of getting a place but they're both pretty similar in terms of quality of teaching etc.

just that DP has a right to see his son and she needs to accept that just as much as DP has to accept she'll always be the mum - just because they've broken up (none of my business why) doesn't mean the child forgoes their right to see either parent - unless of course abuse is involved - and both parents have to accept that regardless of any hurt or bad feelings on either said

I think the hostility between many separated parents could be reduced if each remembered that the other is doing their best. They may not agree with each other, and disagree strongly, but remembering that you both have the same motives helps a great deal, IMO.

It's easy to attribute differences in parenting style to bitterness, hurt feelings, jealously, whereas in fact, the underlying motive of both parents in the same - the wellbeing of the child.

Well said peruvian. Something for us all to remember I think - myself included.