Can we get contact increased?

[Promethium]

Hi All, we've just had DSS (who's 5) with us since Boxing Day and it's been fab. Every day he keeps asking how long he's got with us and says he wants to stay here. Yesterday he got upset when he asked as we said he was seeing mummy tomorrow (now today). Today then he was asking what we we're doing today and we told him we'd do xyz then after lunch he'd be going to see mummy. He said he doesn't want to go to mummy's. He said "why do I have to go to school tomorrow. Why can't I stay here tonight. I want to stay with you every day and every week." He got really upset about having to leave and kept asking why he couldn't stay.

I don't know why he feels like that. We never slag off his mum. I don't know if how we respond is right but when he says he wants to stay here we always say we'd love him to but mummy (and his little brother) loves seeing him too and can't wait to see him again. We always make it seem positive that he's seeing his mum and say we'll see him soon. DP is in no way a Disney dad. We normally have him every other weekend, he gets homework on a Friday so he does homework here on our weekends and at his mums on her weekends. I think actually we're more strict with him from what I've seen / DP's seen so it's not like he's able to get away with everything here. We make him brush his teeth / brush them for him - whereas she doesn't watch him do them or check he's doing it right or even make him do them, he walks everywhere even though he hates it (except the occasional time DP puts him on his shoulders) as we don't have a car atm whereas he goes everywhere in the car with his mum. We are overall stricter I think, not in a bad way, just in that we won't let him get away with being naughty - if that makes sense. We're not all bad though, he has a reward chart here whereas Mum refuses to have one at her home.

The only thing we do differently apart from reward chart (afaik) is play with him more. He's very much left to his own devices a lot of the time at his mum's. She's got a 6 month old baby so understandably doesn't have a lot of time but even before she was pregnant with DSS's brother she and her DP would rarely get on the floor and play with him. He can and does play on his own at ours but I'd say the majority of the time we do spend time playing / drawing / reading etc with him. Tbh I love it as does DP and we could never just leave him to his own devices all day.

It's horrible when he gets upset about leaving. We currently live too far away to see him more but we're thinking of moving as we'll be closer to him as well as closer to all our family. We'd then be within walking distance of him and his school. Would we be able to get closer to 50:50 contact if we lived closer? It's been a very up and down few years in terms of contact. DSS's mum wishes we didn't exist and has regularly stopped contact in the past. I've no idea how DP managed to get DSS so long this holidays, it's normally a flat out no! They've tried mediation which helped for a few months then contact was stopped again. Solicitor said they couldn't do anything as she eventually said fine we can see him again - though I suspect that was just a crap solicitor! The last year hasn't been too bad, we've seen DSS every other weekend but never been allowed any more. Every time DP asks he's told to F off.

Sorry this is so long but is there anything at all we can do to get increased contact if we moved closer? DP was SAHD until they broke up when DSS was about 9 months so it's not like he only wants to know now.

Thanks peruvian. I was going to ask you if you could share any links but noticed pp had already asked.

"The reward chart was mentioned in that I meant we don't just constantly tell him off. She's been having trouble with various things and when DP suggested a reward chart she refused even though it's how we get him to do things." If my xh started telling me how to parent our child I would tell him in no uncertain terms to do one.

tbh it never ceases to amaze me how many awful ex wives there are out there (don't get me wrong I'm sure there are some awful ones but equally I'm sure there are as many awful ex husbands out there whose new partners are yet to see the light.

Things like teeth brushing and independent play are a normal part of life not a sign of worse parenting, and IMO your dp sounds like a self righteous arse.

Who was the one that moved away?

If he wants more access then he can obviously go to court if the ex isn't agreeable but please don't use things like tooth brushing and play etc as a reason to discredit his mum's parenting. If he is given 24/7 attention at yours then tbh yes your dp does sound like a bit of a disney parent, because life really isn't like that, and if you increase access to 50/50 your ds may get a dose of real life at yours and then his view will appear different.

Be careful of this need to be constantly doing things with him, he will see yours as a fun place to be because there will always be an expectation of doing things together, but it's not a representation of what living with a parent is like and is not sustainable.

He didn't tell her how to parent. He suggested it as she was complaining about certain issues and didn't know how to deal with them. Where did I say she was an awful ex wife? Firstly she's not his ex wife and secondly I didn't say she was awful!!

He does play independently at ours, I've already said that! We do our chores, we go shopping, we have independent time whilst he plays on his own. As I've already said, we give him as much attention now as we would if he was here all the time. At one point DP did have him 50% of the time and we gave him just as much attention then as we do now. DSS's mum moved away but I'm not sure how that's relevant? Contact is what it is atm because of distance, we're trying to move closer - how is who moved relevant in this case? Nobody's using teeth brushing and play as a reason for more contact. DP wants more contact because he's a father who loves his son. The relationship with mum and dad broke down for whatever reasons long before I was on the scene and now both parents want to see their son, I can't see any issue with that and I wouldn't be with DP if he didn't want to see his DS as much as possible.

Are you planning to have children of your own, OP?

You may find your enthusiasm for your DSS wanes when you have your own DCs.

Sorry, I didn't mean to sound harsh but it's easy to be a lovely fun stepmother when you have no other distractions.

I let my 4 year old brush her teeth unsupervised!

... and secondly I didn't say she was awful!!

Actually, the insinuation is in pretty much every word you type about her.

It's very easy to be a part time carer of a single young child, especially when that time is mainly weekends and holidays ie "fun" times.

I give up. I was merely trying to say there are different parenting styles, DP is stricter so from that point of view DSS should prefer his DM's. Not once did I say there was anything wrong with either approach to parenting.

Apparently on MN the general view is SM is naive, thinks DM is awful and hasn't seen how awful their DP is. Because of course a father who was once a SAHD can't possibly want to see their DS more simply because they love their child just as much as the DM does - that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with the way DM does things!

Regardless of how you feel towards your DPs ex, OP, what is clear from your posts is that you consider you and your DP to be "in this together". You refer to we and contact with us. Whether you intend to or not, you give the impression of considering yourself equal to your DP in this regard.

While that is admirable, it is, as others have said, likely to change if you have DCs of your own, and is an unrealistic aim. It may also create resentment from your DSS mum, and resistance other people in your DSS life (grandparents, child Carers, teachers etc).
You are not equal to your DP in his DS life - and no matter how much he loves you, your DSS will never view you like that. Sadly, many stepmums end up feeling rejected and hurt when their DSC demonstrate through words and actions that they do not consider their stepparents as important in their lives.

I said this on another thread recently; it can help if you view yourself in a similar way to a foster parent - responsible for providing as positive an experience as possible for your DSC while they are in your company and care, but with no influence or say over their lives. You cannot influence when they spend time in your care even if you are willing and available to do so, or how they are cared for when they are in other peoples care.

so if your dp was the main carer why did he not seek residency?

No-one has disputed on this thread that your dp shouldn't feel he wants more contact with his child, but the reasons you have given for this haven't been about him wanting to spend more time with his ds, they have been all about your assumption that your ds is reluctant to spend time at his mum's and that he wants to live with you,m added to your very negative assertions about his mum's parenting. You may not have intended them to come across as negative, but that's exactly how you have portrayed the ex.

this child is five. He is at an age where he wants to please the adults in his life. He may not be saying at his mum's that he doesn't want to go to daddy's but equally he might, and you really cannot know what is and isn't said at his mum's. And again, who was it who moved away? your dp? or his ex?

Apparently on MN the general view is SM is naive, thinks DM is awful and hasn't seen how awful their DP is....

[sigh] Just because you don't like what was said doesn't mean it is wrong or some kind of "general view"

I don't think there has been criticism of your DP anyway. Most, if not all, have said he should/could seek more contact.

Apparently on MN the general view is SM is naive

I think you;ll find that the general view is that people who look after a single child part time are quite possibly naive. You only have to look at the number of people who struggle with the jump from one to two children to see that. I was one of them. I was a great parent until I had a second child...

wannabe I stayed up thread it was DP's ex who moved away - though not sure why that's relevant. He tried seeking residence or even just more contact but the solicitor wouldn't even take it to court. DSS's DM eventually agreed in mediation to 50:50. She then stopped contact for a while but DP's solicitor said because she allowed contact eventually, they wouldn't take it to court. She moved just before DSS started nursery and that was the end of 50:50. DP's allowed no say in anything like schools etc and she's made it quite clear she wants it to just be her and her DP.

there is judgement dripping through every word about his ex and her parenting.
Tell you what, why not go for full residence and remove him from his mother? that is what you and your charming partner really want isn't it?
then you can play mummies as much as you like!!

Because that's really in his best interests isn't it...

DP's allowed no say in anything like schools etc

OP - unfortunately, a lot of men use this as an excuse when it just isn't true. Your DP can have an independent relationship with the school, it is not something that his ex can control or prevent. Why would your DP tell you he's "not allowed", when in reality, all he has to do is pick up the phone?

Your defence if him is admirable, but can I gently suggest that you do some independent research into family law in contentious situations?

There are many things you have said which don't "add up" from a legal perspective (in particular, his solicitors attitude - there are others?) - you may well believe them, but I suggest they before you nail your colours to firmly to your DPs mast, you ensure that you are making an informed decision rather then just blindly accepting his word.

maybe it is not in his best interests to have a stepmother who is so quick to slag off his mum then

And yes I do judge her for not wanting anything to do with DP. If you choose to have a child with someone then if things go tits up then you have to deal with that person being a huge part of your child's life - and that goes for both mum and dad.

I don't however judge her for how she deals with DSS on her time or for her moving. I know and understand her reasons for moving - not that it matters if I didn't - but that's why I said I don't see why it's relevant.

and yes, men always say that about their mean ex wife who doesn't 'allow' this or that, yet at the same time they make zero effort to build up a relationship with the school.

peruvian I went with him to the solicitors, not as interfering stepmum, just as support for him and I didn't say a word when in there. Yes there are others but tbh he can't really afford court and DM stopping contact for even longer whenever he tried the legal route scared him. I think that he took the wrong route but stopping the court route because he was scared of never seeing his DS, but ultimately that was his decision and all I can do is support him as best I can. He does have direct contact with school but I meant he gets no say in which particular school his DS goes to. DM said he wasn't allowed to go to concert but as I said up thread, he phoned school and got extra tickets. So the day to day school stuff is fine as he does and alway will maintain direct contact but in terms of choosing nurseries, primary schools and secondary schools, he's allowed no input whatsoever.

in terms of choosing nurseries, primary schools and secondary schools, he's allowed no input whatsoever.

Legally, he does. If he has objections to the choices that his Ex has made regarding his DS education, medical care, religion and other significant issues, he can seek a court decision.
It need not be expensive financially - emotionally it is draining and it takes time, but self-rep'ing (with the support of a McKenzie friend if necessary) is increasingly common.

He is making these choices, OP. He chose not to pursue 50:50 contact, he chose not to object to his ex moving, he chose to accept significantly reduced contact despite having been primary carer. Your support of him is admirable, but he is not a victim at the hands of his ex - he has chosen to be in this situation. That is not to say his ex is behaving well - but to ensure a strong relationship with your DP moving forward, it is important that you can accept his role in the situation as well.

There is no honour in your DP making decisions and then blaming his ex for the consequences.

I think, given the poor relationship with the ex, I would chip away at increasing the contact bit by bit. Look into using school for transition as that sounds like it will help your DSS in the short term - which is the most important thing. Mediation has already failed in the past you say and court could make things even worse.

My brother recently had to go to court because his ex wanted to change their current 50/50 contact to more contact for her. She wasn't successful because their 50/50 arrangement had been in place for a couple of years so was well established and she wasn't able to give any firm reason why it would be good for the children to have less contact with their father. She tried speaking on behalf of the children by saying what they wanted but the court refused to allow her to do this and said they could only take the children's views into account if it came from them personally through cafcass. She declined to allow cafcass to speak to the kids. I'm glad she wasn't successful but unfortunately the whole experience has led to a complete deterioration of the relationship between my brother and his ex.

Just to pick up on the school thing, my brother has had real problems with this. He is indeed allowed an independent relationship with the school but has to go in and see them constantly to remind them that he needs copies of letters and to be kept informed of events and parents evening (the ex won't tell him about any of this stuff). Recently he discovered that the ex had been having meetings with the school about my nephew who has some SENs and he hadn't been informed at all. So I'd make sure your DH takes the initiative here.

Maybe if he does go back to court he could seek shared residence. This does not mean there has to be 50:50 care but that both parents will have equal rights and be considered resident parents. This might stop some of the playing around with contact (and it won't be called contact any more) as the child will be deemed to be residing at your do' s house on his times. It might also help both parents to understand that they need to discuss things like schools.

peruvian I wholeheartedly agree with you about him not pursuing 50:50. He should've taken it to court, I told him time and time again that in the long run it would be better - even if court said every other weekend like it is now, at least then she'd (in theory) have less grounds to refuse contact. He didn't really have a say on her moving though. He did object to her moving that far away but there was nothing he could do about it and tbf she had limited choice - her and her DP at the time split up and as the house was in his name, he made her move out with her young DS. She stayed with us for a while but understandably didn't like the arrangment but had nowhere else to go. The council gave her a flat miles away from us and she accepted. Nobody's fault really, just making the best of a bad situation. Yes we could've moved closer but it wasn't practical in terms of our jobs and transport to job - it's fine travelling that far every other weekend, not so fine travelling that far (plus more since job is same distance but in opposite direction) every day. Looking back we should've moved closer but we're trying to rectify that now. I'm not blaming ex for 50:50, it's both of their fault. I blame ex for limiting contact for no reason but not for the issue with 50:50.