I need a little rant....

[Weathergames]

My first post in Step Parenting please be gentle with me.

I love my DSDs (10 and 8) and my DSS. I get on well with OHs ex (not DSS mum).

We don't see him so much as he is 19 and lives a long way away. I have 3 DC 17, 15 and 12. DS2 is 12 and has been with his dad this week. My older two haven't seen their dad at all over Xmas as he has gone abroad for a month (his third holiday this yr).

I have a stressful job and have taken two weeks off over Xmas.

My issue is this. I am knackered and part of me struggles with having younger kids again as I have brought up my 3 alone and OH doesn't get this (I am perfectly nice and cook, play games etc) but feel like everything is geared around the girls (OH is forces so this is the only time we see each other too before he goes back).

We have the DSC every other weekend and practically 1/2 the school holiday. My ex does not see our eldest as much meaning any time I take off to spend with my kids everyone is displaced and on top of each other.

Coupled with the DC CONSTANT fighting, regularly coming with nits, untreated verrucas, bedwetting which we had tried various things to help with NO support from his ex wife.

It's hard not to sometimes feel a bit resentful as my teens are off out and I could just have a week off work and chill out. His ex wife is checking in at the pub with her mates every day on FB and I am denittting her kids. I just feel like I have had no break at all.

They get sent with dirty clothes which don't fit, I taught them to swim last year, tie their shoe laces and neither of them can ride a bike, which is very tricky to do with a tall 10 yr old.

Is it ok to sometimes feel a bit resentful?

DSC constant squabbling sorry....

Are you saying your OH is on holiday for a month over Xmas? Or is he working as he's forces?

No he's off we are both off for 2 weeks. He will go back to the base after Christmas - he lives there in the week.

I'll admit I'm a bit confused as to where whom is where but it sounds like what you're saying is that your OH has been abroad over Xmas and you've had responsibility for all of the children. If that's the case then that's not right at all.

I don't think you are unreasonable at all. I sometime feel I would like a break from my own kids never mind dsd.

I think it is ok for you to take some time yp yourself or do activities that with your dc that don't included the dsd's if they wouldn't enjoy it. They can always do something else with their dad.

Your youngest is 12 is that right? Take him out and leave your dh to the job of nits and bike riding. I read it that he is home while they are staying is that right?

OH hasn't been away we have both been here . Ah just being a grump, and tired from cooking for 7 for a week and the delights of two sisters who bicker constantly but insist on being in the same room in the house!!

I love them all really I just sometimes wish I could enjoy the fact that mine are off out all the time as they are older and my new found independence - I want to spend time with OH though so that involves going to the park with him and DSC.

My 12 yr old has stayed with his dad this week and my older two kind of do their own thing so what could have been a week of blissful pottering about has involved what feels like training for a job with the UN!!

So sorry, I read it that your OH was away, not your ex. I can't blame you for feeling knackered and a bit fed up. By the same token you took the kids on with the man and they won't be this young forever

weather Blending is doubly tough on forces families because the parent is unavailable to their family for so much of the time - which leaves less of their time to be shared out between various DC's and spouse.

You're not being unreasonable to want some one-to-one time with your DH - and I totally understand that is even harder to tolerate when you regularly pick up the slack and fulfil the role of parent to your DSD's.

It's not unreasonable for you to suggest that your DH books a babysitter for his girls, so that you and he can spend time together alone for an afternoon or evening. He has a responsiblity to you as his partner, as well as his DC's, and both you and they need quality time with him. Of course you have to compromise on the frequency or duration of time together, like all parents, because his DC's are young, but neither you nor he should sacrifice your own relationship to the cause of parenting - there are perfectly acceptable solutions to ensure you get time together.

I know why you do the "parenting" that is lacking elsewhere in your DSD's lives, but I do think your overall family dynamic would improve if you stepped back a bit. There should be no expectation on you to de-nit, teach DC's to cycle, cook, clean, play games. These are repsonsiblities of a parent. If you choose to do them, then that is different - feeling obliged to pick up the slack is not good for you, or the DC's.

I think it helps if stepparents approach their support of their DC's with the question if I wasn't in these DC's lives, how would this get done?. Your role is to be a bonus adult, rather than an essential adult, in their life.

I thinking of it as being a bonus adult :) I always think of myself as being a bit like an Auntie.

OH does his fair share too I feel we are a team and I yes I did chose to take him and his children on, and he does things for my kids.

The forces thing makes him want to be a bit of a "Disney" dad when they are here too which I do understand but we also have to have some semblance of "normal life".

I feel sorry for them sometimes that they can't do "normal" childhood things and I don't resent doing it when I do it I feel a bit resentful that their other parent choses not to do those things - but in the same token I understand how exhausting it can be working and being a single mum.

I can relate to this. My ds is 16 and is off hand a lot of the time. He also doesn't see his dad but is sooo much more independent and not wanting to be with his boring old mum.

Dp's three girls are by our side what seems like most of the time and I get frustrated at doing the drudgery for them when, if I was still single, I'd probably be having more hobbies and more of a social life, but above all, just more peace and quiet.

My ds is going away for a week soon and I want to go away too and enjoy some time to myself but dp wants me to stay home with his kids and I'm seriously considering going on holiday alone as I never get more than 2 nights without his kids.

Ex wife can have 2 weeks away whilst we look after the girls but dp hasn't even considered leaving his girls with their mum so I can get a break.

If they were mine I could decide not to look after them and find a babysitter (as I have with my own ds), but as step mum it often feels that other people decide how I spend my time and I think it's the most difficult part of being a step mum.

I have a similar set up in that much of the time when my own DC are off at their dad's we still have the DSC who come every weekend. And even though they're similar ages to my own DC they're a lot less independent, so need lifts to places, "taking" to the park, etc, which is annoying

But I do take time out when I need it - meet a friend for a drink or something. I do a lot for the DSC - cooking, playing games, etc but try not to be taken for granted in any of this. Good to remind your DP that they're his kids sometimes and that you are - as you say - an extra adult. So do take some time out for yourself.

Doing something just with one of the DSDs might be good too sometimes if they bicker a lot.

Getting time with your DP is harder, but is there some time you could mark in your diary to look forward to?

Actually think that this is more a "forces" problem than a step parent problem - there just isn't enough of your husband to go around.

If he worked 9 - 5 M - F then you would see plenty of his so the girls being here wouldn't be a problem as you could get on with doing your pottering sometimes whilst he takes the girls out and then at other (nit free) times join in and enjoy being part of the family.

As it is you are all squashed together trying to squeeze in as much of your dh as you can.

Probably doesn't help except that it is probably better for your family as a whole if you are thinking "dh's bloody job" rather than "dh's bloody kids"!

Weather - I know the feeling. We have a lot in common - i too have older independent ds, so have been enjoying 'peace' for a few years - have taken on younger kids and it is draining. Inbox me if you want to rant!

Im finding it hard too as my Dc x 3 are all adults now( DD x 2 have left home, have Ds 21 at home still whilst DSd is only 15, so what should be 'my time' after bringing my Dc up singehandled after divorce, I spend EW with dsd, who has been coming Ew for 8 yrs!
On top of that I have two grandkids, & a full time job and Im exhausted by end of week and want to relax, but DSd is there EW - and DP turns into disney dad!

Mrs nodge - i know the feeling. Weekends after a hectic week (running dss around) i'm exhausted and want to chill, and the 'what r we doing today' question drives me bonkers!!

so sorry OP, even though this is ages ago