Step parenting

[maisy1908]

Wondering about the future of my relationship. I've been involved for two years with a very nice man who has an 8 yearly son. I have a 13 year old daughter. I've been reading step parenting forums recently because I am very concerned that I do not like his child. This is very difficult for me as I work with children professionally. The children I work with have a great deal of hardship in their lives and I care deeply for them, but my potential step son is a very entitled and sometimes agressive child. My own daughter is an empathetic intelligent young person and I am very proud that I raised her by myself from infancy to be a person who reflects the values I worked hard to instill. The boy in question does not reflect any of my personal values of honesty, empathy, cooperation and kindness... I believe this is because of how he was raised, coupled with his personality. I am not sure if this means that I will have issues with his father. I believe that a huge part of the reason my partner divorced was because of vast differences and parenting styles and values. currently, the parents share custody of the boy and there are constant conflicts. I'm not sure what I'm getting into and feel the more insight I gather the better. Thank you,

Where would you like to see your relationship going in the future? You are never going to be able to move in together if you don't like his child. Remember he is just as responsible for the way his ds has been raised. Do you want more children and would you want him to parent with you? If he's putting blame on his ex for their child's behaviour how can you be sure it is accurate or is he saying what you want to here?

Lunar. He would like to be married at some point. I'm not sure that he is entirely responsible for the child as he has only shared custody for a little more than a year, and has been separated and divorced for over 4 years. This is because of court ordered custody decisions. The mother's parenting has been so problematic that she lost full custody. He does recognize that his child's behavior is unacceptable and works hard to put boundaries /rules in place while strengthening their relationship. Since I've had a few very unpleasant interactions with his ex. I can see that, truly, she has raised a fairly difficult child and has made parenting choices that I would never have made. My frustration is that the aggressive, rude and selfish behavior that I observe has never occurred in my child. As I stated, I work with children, really challenging children, and I rarely feel this level of dislike. It's a difficult situation because I obviously love this man, and he is great with my child. However, he does not ever attempt to take a paternal role in her life, as she has a strong and positive relationship with her own father. This situation is very different as it would be very hard to not to fall into the role of evil step mother as I could not accept his behaviors in my home. He fully supports my feelings btw.

Are you still living separately?

Line runner. Yes we are. If we do marry, I'd like to have a better handle on the blended family thing :)

If you read this board, it's often not happy reading sadly.

I think that if your dp wants to make changes to his sons behaviour then that will be enough for his ds to deal with for a long time to come. His son needs to know that the changes are for his benefit and are coming from his dad alone. They will need time to build a solid relationship together before he has to deal with more changes in his life.

If you became involve before all this happens you would be blamed for the changes and he may be more resistant. I'd think you would be looking at years before you could be a blended family, I'd doesn't sound like your do and his son have formed a proper family together yet.

Line runner- yes. That's why I was asking before it moved further. Lots of sad stories and I really really dont need to remarry ony to make my child or his feel worse... Wish I saw more positive stuff about blending families.

I'm in a similar position. I fear my relationship is actually doomed because of the impossibility of Brady-Bunching.

Luna1. Very good points. I do not know what a dp is. (A deranged person???). Seriously, thank you for your insight. I think the man and I shall have to talk... I should not ignore my qualms. Only point I still want to throw out there is the kids whom I work with are very difficult at first, but time and patience and building a relationship seems to work well for me, so I'm not convinced that the situation is impossible.

Dp = partner

Liner runner. You know what? I think it is awesome that you are exploring the doom side of things. Many people seem to jump into this sort of Brady bunch scenario without really looking at how it impacts kids, and everyone... Maybe being pessimistic is really the most optimistic way to be, if that makes sense...I'm thinking that I didn't work my arse off to be a damn good single mom for 12 years only to wreck it by pushing something that can't work.

I support and thank you for your your realism Happy new year!

I don't think it's impossible either, just that it will require you to all take it very slowly. Luckily you sound sensible and are able to be honest with your self about things. So often people just want to ignore the challenges and go with the theory of 'but I love him...'

It's obvious from the way you post that you would wait for the right time and not rush things.

I certainly wouldn't think of moving in with your bf until you have found a way of liking the child, it would not be fair on anyone, though I think you know that.

The trick would be if you could find something you like about the little boy first of all. I used to teach languages and it was really important that I liked my students to get a good learning environment and I was only defeated once in this endeavour.

He is the nicest man I've ever dated. I love him dearly but love my daughter more! :). Personally, I think that's a good thing!

Coy, I totally agree. I believe that without the relationship piece, most kids don't learn or thrive. I feel bad that I was so blunt about the boy- I have actually had nice times with him. Teaching him to cook, for example, has been a delight! Plus I should have added that he adores my daughter. I aired my deepest negative feelings about him on this forum because it's not like me to have bad feelings towards a kid... I think the aggressive/competitive/rude thing really pushes my buttons. I deal with it at work really well, but not sure how it would be to come home to ... I was looking for someone who'd had to work through this stuff at some point. I really like your point about finding a positive experience to share with the boy... And yes, slowly.

Good New Years resolution material. Thanks!

Hmm - this doesn't bode well Maisy - ok there are some positives but I think there is one issue that you are not factoring into this situation. You talk a lot about the challenging children you work with, but there is a huge difference between working with these kids and having a step-son who mostly you dislike, or you dislike his behaviour but there's not an awful lot of difference in truth.

The thing is the man you love and want to marry is this boy's daddy and loves his son in the way you love your daughter, and it's this that gets in the way........and dare I say can make you resentful, jealous and angry and all sorts of other emotions. You might end up not liking yourself very much and feeling guilty. I speak from experience incidentally. Thank god mine are grown with their own families but there were years of tension and misery and I never felt fond of my step-kids, but had to put on an act. Then there is all the tension between their mother and father and that can go on for ever............sorry - don't try to "blend" until you feel that you have some fondness for this little boy - the very fact that you call him "the boy" speaks volumes.

Given that you work with children you must realise that behaviour is a product of experience and this child's behaviour is because of the way he has been brought up (no different from any other childnot because of his personality) - so no he isn't going to "share your values" and probably never will. He is in the middle of warring parents and probably inconsistent parenting, small wonder he is showing the sorts of behaviours you describe, and the confusion of his father's relationship with you - he must also sense your dislike of him - kids are very good at sussing that out and this is going to make matters worse.

Do the child a favour and back out of his life.

Hello nananina I appreciate a lot of what you had to say. I find it sad that you never grew fond of your stepchildren and that would be exactly where my fears lie. I am very aware that the working with children who have experienced trauma and actually coming home to a child who has similar issues, is extremely different. Frankly, I don't know if I am up for it, and if you knew me, you would know that my main objective is to be a positive force in people's lives. I am also realistic and want to gather insight and information prior to being more involved with this child. I think telling me to do the child a favor and back out of his life is a little harsh and unwarranted. I came on to this forum to hear people's experiences and perhaps suggestions to work through this... I have not accepted any marriage proposals nor have plans to move in with the man I have been involved with unless I am able to work through this. This is my way of being proactive in an anonymous setting. My intentions are good. Incidentally I refer to the child as "the boy" because he is not my step son and I do not know which term to use.

Yes sorry Maisy my comment was harsh and unwarranted. Apologies

It's a minefield.

Miserable

Sorry, that was meant to be the title of my thread!

Sorry about your situation OP, it must be difficult for you. I suppose the only way is if you can find yourself to accept that your DPs son has been brought up differently from your Dd and that as you will know, every child has their own ways of expressing themselves. But that's all easy for me to say.
Like you will see from the above, the title of my next thread cannot give you much confidence on my advice , I hope it works out for you x

Just wanted to say my dd has on occasions behaved appallingly, especially at that age, but as she was mine I had to muddle on, I couldn't just give up on her. If you can get to the point of feeling a certain ownership of this lad, you will have cracked it.

Are you and DP on the same page when it comes to discipline and do you share the same views on how to raise a child? If not, this will very likely become a cause of stress in your relationship.

If DP hasn't got a handle on disciplining, chores, manners, bedtimes, boundaries etc and you try to tackle these - even together - once youlcd in, you're headed for trouble IMHO. SS will notice you are the common denominator in the change of rules and you'll be blamed for dad not being as much fun as he used to be.

Interesting comment about loving your DD more than OH (apologies if I've misquoted but I think that's the gist). Totally understand why you would feel that way. The maternal bond is immense. However, in the literature I've read, your relationship with spouse must be the alpha one (not to the neglect of your children of course). When the children grow up and leave and the parenting stage has all but past, your marriage will be the dominant relationship and need to be strong to survive.

Just a few thoughts...

I think your foresight in raising these issues before you decide to commit long term is commendable. Although 2 years is already a long investment in this stepfamily.

*once you've moved in.

Gotta hate autocorrect at times! ??

It is very hard being a step parent. You try and build a relationship with someone who does not really want a relationship with you and is influenced by outside forces which are totally outside your control.

My relationship with my DSS was great at first, till he realised that my relationship with his father was serious. Then he felt he could not like me as his mother did not, felt he had to be loyal to his mother.

A few years ago, I arranged for us all to go skiing for a week. We had a great time, he loved it and was a good little skier. Within 5 mins of us being home, I heard him on the phone to his mother, complaining about the holiday, the apartment, having me and my daughter there etc. I then realised that no matter what I did I was always going to be the bad guy.

What I am trying to say is a lot of the factors that will influence your relationship with him will come from his mother and her relationship with his father and her attitude to you. If he is only with you half the time you will have to put up with the bad stuff and concentrate on the relationship with your DP. Any aspect of his personality that bothers you now will not go away and will possibly become worse when he has to deal with you marrying his father etc. His father will also feel guilty about his son, so will try and make up for that and be easier on his son than usual, and defensive.

What I try and remember is that it is not really personal, he would be like that with whoever his father is in a relationship with.

What you need to remember is that you are unlikely to be in a relationship with a man who will have kids you will love and get on with from the start, nor a man who does not have children from a previous relationship. So if you have found someone who you love, then put up with the problems of step prenting and do your best.