Delicate bedroom issue with DSC1

[AlwaysTheCoffeeOnesLeft]

DP and I are expecting a baby in a few months. I have one DC from a previous relationship, and he has three.

In recent months, since about when DSC1 (11) started secondary school, we've been having a hellish time with him (not obviously to do with the transition to secondary). He has become a mouthpiece for Mum, with whom he's always had a difficult, loveless relationship but who is now showering him with attention - which he's lapping up - and working with gusto to turn him against his dad, me and my DC (it seems to be working). He has been plain nasty, and stirred up a lot of tension among his siblings and my DC.

DSC1 has chosen not to come very much anymore. He would usually be with us a bit over a third of the time, along with his younger siblings, who've generally been coming as normal – and happily. I own the house, but it's home to us all, and of the four bedrooms, my younger DSCs have one between them, DSC1 has one to himself, my DC has a room and DP and I have one.

We have tried to get to the bottom of the problem with DSC1, but he doesn't say much, or cries, or just doesn't turn up (unless he wants something from Dad). We do know he's pretty anti all of us at the moment, which will be massively to do with Mum's influence. He's stayed two or three nights since the end of the summer - when, sadly, the atmosphere has been awful and fighting has sky-rocketed - and we don't see him for weeks at a time.

Meanwhile, we've become overrun with baby stuff, kindly given to us by friends – and saving us a fortune. It's piling up in the living space and the chaos is starting to get us down. We'd planned to muddle through in a degree of mess until we can extend, with baby (and baby's stuff) in with us until whenever that is. But I'm now wondering, and DP and I have started to talk about it tentatively, if we should reclaim DSC1's bedroom as a sort of nursery – a space for baby's things as well as a spare room for us to take it in turns to grab some rest in during the sleepless early months.

DSC1 isn't turning up. He won't give us any idea of when he will stay again. And we have no control over Mum's continuing toxic influence, so have no idea how long this dynamic will go on. And I'm starting to resent earmarking an entire room in our home for a child who is rarely here, while a child who will live here all the time will have no designated space for their stuff for a year or two – and our bedroom will be a resultant tip for that time.

If DP and I were to proceed with reclaiming DSC1's unused room, I would of course be the world's worst stepmother. There would be no reasoning or pragmatism, just drama. And DP worries, understandably, that he'd see even less of DSC1, which I can appreciate - though is keen to remain firm but fair with him rather than slip into Disney dad territory. But if we carry on as we are, well we'd all be dancing to DSC1's tune and, to be brutally honest, he doesn't need any encouragement to behave like a diva at the moment. We have camp beds. He could still stay. I just don't see how he has a right to 'bagsy' a whole room and not even turn up to use it when the space is very much needed by others in the household.

Is there a middle ground in this delicate scenario? AIBU? What would you do? Sigh.

Why is it ok for the step children to have 2 bedrooms and the resident child to have 0? seems very unfair to me

Because the resident "child" in this case hasn't actually been born yet maybe?

Step children don't really get two bedrooms, any more than those of us who work in an office get might have "two computers". They only get to use one of them at a time.

If they don't get at least a bed and a bit of space that's " theirs" in each house there's a good chance they'll lose out on having a proper relationship with one of their parents, and that's sad.

I would tread very carefully as it is a sensitive issue.

My adult SS's have never lived here but visited regularly when younger. They have always had a room of their own and we also converted the garage into a den for them and their friends at vast expensive. They are 22 and 25, both live abroad and haven't stayed here for 5 years. Our 2 younger children were squashed into a much smaller room so after 5 years of SS's not staying we changed the bedrooms around as my SS's as adults no longer stayed. They came home this Christmas for a rare visit- still had a room and space of their own,just not the same one as before. Despite this they became quite unpleasant to our younger children aged 5 and 12 about this and made them feel as they had pushed them out of 'their bedroom'. We also had other people staying for Christmas and yet they couldn't see that it wasn't possible to be in what they saw as "their bedroom". My 25 year old SS even refused to leave my 12 year olds bedroom and prevented her sleeping there as he felt he should have been in her room (which she had to share anyway).

When I was growing up we always swopped bedrooms around according to various siblings needs.

I would try and involve your SS in discussions- does he have any ideas? I expect he may well be feeling insecure by the arrival of a new baby and moving to secondary school so do tread carefully.

I agree with goldenlilliesdaffodillies who is speaking a lot of sense, from personal experience.

My experience is not the same. It is of having a birth dd (aged 10) and a relatively newly adopted son of 4. Not the same as your situation but I guess I do know about jealousy and a lot of emotions and arguments etc. And IMVHO do not remove your step son's room, please. This will send an appalling message to him and may damage his relationship with his father, and with you, and maybe the rest of the siblings, for good.

Your new baby is, of course, a child but is - and will be for the first year - a baby. The recommendation for new babies is that they sleep in with the parents. Do this for the first few months or year until you are able to move or renovate as I believe you had already planned to do.

Store the baby stuff around the house.

Removing your step son's room would not only send a message to him but might send a message to the remaining children in the family. This is a sensitive time and this child has not had an easy time of it. Stuff and space is not as important as people and if you take away his room you will either send the message that stuff or space are more important than him or perhaps that his new half sister is more important than him. A recipe for disaster in my humble opinion.

I know it is tough and perhaps you are not keen to expend even more energy on this and you have other children to think about and a baby on the way. But I do feel if you make an extra effort to help your step son now, at this vital time, to do whatever you can, it will pay dividends in the future.

Otherwise what is to stop things deteriorating with the other step sons? The mum is being horrible, you need to be the anti-horrible. I am sure you know it all. I don't want to tell you how to such eggs and I don't want to be patronising. I have no idea what resources you have looked at but I wonder if these things might help....

Band Back Together

Independent Article

I won't post the whole article but look down the end for sections..

SEPARATE SPACE

THE NEW BABY

Good luck - I mean that most sincerely.

golden that is awful. A grown adult picking on a child

thebluehen yes my DD refers to "your house" and "(exP's) house". It breaks my heart, because what I want more than anything is to provide a happy HOME for her.

Taking any emotional issues out of the picture for a moment - how does all this work out with housing benefit/bedroom tax, when some people insist they need bedrooms for step children who rarely visit the property? It must be hard enough with housing etc when you have an EOW step child, who visits regularly enough to warrant a bedroom, but isn't 'officially resident'?

petal it can be a nightmare for the parent considered "non resident" in near 50:50 arrangements, because the child's needs are not considered by the benefits system. If the NRparent is lucky enough to be eligible for housing/benefits, that is as a single person, and often a totally unsuitable environment for a child. A bedroom for a NRChild is taxed as surplus, even if a child used it 3/7 nights.

It was something that was heavily campaigned against by many of the fathers rights charities during recent changes to legislation, but their argument was undermined by the single-parent charities.

"Our 2 younger children were squashed into a much smaller room so after 5 years of SS's not staying we changed the bedrooms around as my SS's as adults no longer stayed"

This ^ isn't a step children issue, it is an entitlement issue.

There have been threads before about big bedrooms being kept for children who are away at university and younger siblings having to stay in smaller or shared rooms, while one room stays empty most of the time.

It is the same issue. When my elder brother left for university I moved from the box room into 'his' bigger bedroom the same weekend.

This is a different issue to the OP though since the children involved in the OPs blended family are all children, not adults.

I agree with Patrick .... that's appalling behaviour from an adult stepchild of 25 (FFS) who literally 'refused' to leave a 12 year old actual child's bedroom and prevented her from sleeping there. There's no question that's rude, ungrateful and intimidating (for the 12 year old) and Goldenlillie's OH should have read the riot act to them.

The sensitivity re: bedroom arrangements amongst dependent children (res or non-res) who still regularly need accommodating is entirely different to the scenario described here. Adults - who've not visited for 5 years (!!) and who live abroad - do NOT have any sort of entitlement to a perfectly preserved room of their own at either of their parents' homes (unless parents wish to, and can afford to, provide this). Back in the real world, and especially at Xmas, when families often have all sorts of visitors, it's ridiculous that a pair of adults aged 25 and 22 have been so unpleasant over 'losing' 'their' room - the one which hasn't actually been used by them for several years. And, it's important to note, one which was 'kept' for them until comparatively recently (maybe in the hope they would have visited sooner?)

Sure ... I accept that as a young adult, and after you've left home, it can feel rather strange and odd when you go back and what was 'yours' is now something else ('the guest room', a hobby room, whatever) but such is the way of things in many (most?) families who don't have the luxury of countless 'spare' bedrooms which can be kept enshrined indefinitely and it's certainly very common so far as I'm aware - from my own family experience and that of friends - to play 'musical beds' at Xmas to fit everyone in with all sorts of swapping, sharing, camp-bedding, bow-up bedding and so on going on. I left home at 19 for example and 'my' room was immediately given to my younger sibling - which made perfect sense .... I can remember feeling a bit 'weird' about it but also understood this was all part and parcel of leaving home, things changing, everyone moving on etc.

Their rudeness towards their dad, their stepmum and their younger siblings would be pretty unforgivable IMO - and being especially unpleasant to the younger kids is awful. Given the overall circumstances I wouldn't be able to put such a display down to 'step' politics as you might if they were much younger ..... I mean, for just how long can step 'children' (adults in this case) 'get away with' completely unacceptable behaviour simply because they are 'step'. Surely this should be taken at face value - i.e. two adults behaving in a really entitled, rude and stroppy manner - and they should be challenged in no uncertain terms as to why they think that's acceptable, as you would with any other adult visitor behaving the same way ? If any of my children, 'bio' or 'step' behaved like that I'd be furious with them and they'd bloody well know it ..... kids who've long ago left home simply don't get to dictate how their parents organise their rooms. And I'd have zero tolerance for any sort of unpleasantness from adults towards children as described - regardless of the fact they're siblings. This wasn't 'simple' sibling bickering - but deliberate nastiness. How must the 12 year old have felt when a 25 year old man refused to leave what is now - whether he likes it or not - her room ?? ...... as a 12 year old I'd have felt pretty scared and intimidated by that, particularly when the room arrangements would have been beyond my control.

Anyway, sorry to go off topic somewhat - just really, genuinely shocked by Goldenlillie's experience.

I agree it's tricky but you have to be practical and re adjust the rooms. Do use the room now for storage, and use it for sleeping/napping as you need.

Don't, I think, this stage redecorate into a nursery. Wait a while.

A nursery will be needed; you won't want the others sharing with a baby so I see no alternative then slowly changing the room.

I agree with the idea that it might send a horrible message to the younger DSC - basically, that you have to be good and visit regularly or we will cut you off. I KNOW that is not the truth but it's how they might see it.

The baby really won't care where it sleeps for a good year or so. Nurseries are usually decorated for the parents not the babies

In the meantime you could possible make the DSSs room a little bit more multipurpose without it stopping being your DSS's room. Ie put in a full size single rater than a small single so you or your DH can still use it for getting a good sleep if the baby is awake.

I don't think the fact it is 'your' house makes a difference.

can I just say, that my ds started secondary this year and he loves his school, is doing well etc etc, but it has been a very emotional and tough term. He seems to have no time at all and is exhausted all the time. I can well imagine him refusing point blank to go to dad's house if that was the situation we were in, because he just wouldn't want to move from his own pit bed.

He would also though see the removing of his space as the removal of hiw welcome.

How you re-organise would depend on age and genders, if everyone is juggled, but everyone maintains their own clearly defined corner, you should be able to find a solution which works.

Golden sorry I meant to say that what your step son did was appalling.

But I think this situation is very different and you obviously have a lot of experience where step children are concerned.

Thanks. Yes I have lots of experience as a step mum. I think how things are handled at the beginning can come back and affect you many years later.