Delicate bedroom issue with DSC1

[AlwaysTheCoffeeOnesLeft]

DP and I are expecting a baby in a few months. I have one DC from a previous relationship, and he has three.

In recent months, since about when DSC1 (11) started secondary school, we've been having a hellish time with him (not obviously to do with the transition to secondary). He has become a mouthpiece for Mum, with whom he's always had a difficult, loveless relationship but who is now showering him with attention - which he's lapping up - and working with gusto to turn him against his dad, me and my DC (it seems to be working). He has been plain nasty, and stirred up a lot of tension among his siblings and my DC.

DSC1 has chosen not to come very much anymore. He would usually be with us a bit over a third of the time, along with his younger siblings, who've generally been coming as normal – and happily. I own the house, but it's home to us all, and of the four bedrooms, my younger DSCs have one between them, DSC1 has one to himself, my DC has a room and DP and I have one.

We have tried to get to the bottom of the problem with DSC1, but he doesn't say much, or cries, or just doesn't turn up (unless he wants something from Dad). We do know he's pretty anti all of us at the moment, which will be massively to do with Mum's influence. He's stayed two or three nights since the end of the summer - when, sadly, the atmosphere has been awful and fighting has sky-rocketed - and we don't see him for weeks at a time.

Meanwhile, we've become overrun with baby stuff, kindly given to us by friends – and saving us a fortune. It's piling up in the living space and the chaos is starting to get us down. We'd planned to muddle through in a degree of mess until we can extend, with baby (and baby's stuff) in with us until whenever that is. But I'm now wondering, and DP and I have started to talk about it tentatively, if we should reclaim DSC1's bedroom as a sort of nursery – a space for baby's things as well as a spare room for us to take it in turns to grab some rest in during the sleepless early months.

DSC1 isn't turning up. He won't give us any idea of when he will stay again. And we have no control over Mum's continuing toxic influence, so have no idea how long this dynamic will go on. And I'm starting to resent earmarking an entire room in our home for a child who is rarely here, while a child who will live here all the time will have no designated space for their stuff for a year or two – and our bedroom will be a resultant tip for that time.

If DP and I were to proceed with reclaiming DSC1's unused room, I would of course be the world's worst stepmother. There would be no reasoning or pragmatism, just drama. And DP worries, understandably, that he'd see even less of DSC1, which I can appreciate - though is keen to remain firm but fair with him rather than slip into Disney dad territory. But if we carry on as we are, well we'd all be dancing to DSC1's tune and, to be brutally honest, he doesn't need any encouragement to behave like a diva at the moment. We have camp beds. He could still stay. I just don't see how he has a right to 'bagsy' a whole room and not even turn up to use it when the space is very much needed by others in the household.

Is there a middle ground in this delicate scenario? AIBU? What would you do? Sigh.

Him keeping his bedroom probably won't change his behaviour for the better, but removing it could well end the relationship for good.

You need to remember that he is only a child and if he feels pushed out now, you will be reinforcing the terrible things that his mother is probably telling him. I speak from a certain amount of experience as my sister didn't speak to my dad for 10 years over something smaller than this. TBF my step-mother was probably just as toxic as my mother, so there was more going on. My dad has terrible taste in women!

I would suggest having a major declutter of everyone's stuff inclluding the baby's so that you can see the woods for the trees then work out how to rejig the rooms to accommodate the 6 people who currently need room in the house,
with an eye on the soon to be 7th.l

You can't take his room without providing at least a shared room for him, but you can all sit down and work out how you're going to rejig things now, and again once the baby needs a sleeping space separate to you (so in more than 6 months time.

It's a bit obvious to say that you choose to have another baby, not him, so why should he ousted, but I'll say it anyway.

Where's your dp in all this and does your dc spend time/have a room at their father's (if they have one)?

Maybe think how you would like this to be approached if it was your dc's step mother writing this post about your dc and use that as a guide.

How often do all of your dsc visit?

Personally I would use the room for the baby. Babies have too much crap and it wouldn't be fair on the others kids to have to share their room with a crying baby.

Sorry, but you sound like you have a chip on your shoulder about this boy. Well, you got together with someone who already had 3 kids and now you want 2 more, well that is the price you have to pay.

Please don't lock this boy out just because you have decided to have more children

You're right - wanting to use an absent stepchilds bedroom for the benefit of the wider family would make you a wicked stepmum; in the eyes of the majority of posters on this thread, wider family members, and possibly your DH as well.

Whether you choose to embrace that title or not is up to you, but from my own experience, I would argue with posters who have said give it time. The longer you leave it, the more wicked you will be.

There are bedrooms up and down the country which are shrines to children who are no longer members of the family whose household it is. There are ludicrously small clothes in drawers, outgrown and forgotten toys, handdrawn pictures and half built Lego models languishing unattended in the homes of NRP - who refuse to accept that the child has decided that they have only one home; with their resident parent.

For many stepmums, and their children, accommodation (literally, and figuratively) of an unknown and absent stepchild/sibling is part of life.

If it's not the bedroom, it will be his toys or the way you cook his meals, or his bedtime....

Step kids who are being alienated (or struggling with being part of two families) will look for justification to not be part of your family.

He will probably use this against you but the reality is, a child who isn't treated by one parent in an abusive manner (his mother) would adapt and adjust assuming you approach this tactfully and respectfully.

Peru isn't that quite a pessimistic post?

I thought Peru's post was refreshingly thought-provoking.

I worry about the trend to shared residency in situations where there is less than an ideal level of goodwill between separated parents. Rather than children feeling like they have two families/homes, I worry they might feel that they don't properly belong in either home.

I agree with the "whole family" approach - with lots of warning up front. This shouldn't be just about DSS behavior but about the whole family changing.
Declutter for everyone including yourselves, and all the kids (as well as the baby - really how much stuff does a baby need, regardless if someone gives it to you for free?!).
Space laid out for 4 kids soon to be 5 - baby I assume will start with you anyway - with everyone knowing the plan for when the baby is old enough.
As with all families but particularly step families communication is the key. Tell DSC when you are planning to sit down to discuss how to lay things out moving forward and you want them all involved. Obviously have a few ideas of what would work but let people speak up. If he doesn't come - and doesn't let his siblings know what he wants - act as his advocate, let his siblings see you are being very fair to him even if he isn't there.
There's no need to not address it but address it fairly and openly - then if/when it comes back to bite you've been as above board as you can be.

There's a new baby arriving. It needs some space, so there will need to be some re shuffling and nothing can be done about that.

It's madness to keep an empty room as a shrine while DSS never visits and others are cramped as a result.

Can you redecorate the room in a neutral fashion, and put a single bed in it, as well as a cot. Then when / if the DSS decides to come and stay you can bring the cot back in with you for the night(s)? IF DSS starts visiting more regularly, then other avenues can be investigated?

Sounds good grape, you could go even further and make it a game - draw a plan of the house on a big piece of card, and have cut-out shapes of all the beds and who they belong to and then shift them about to see what fits where...if at some point you have Dad ending up sleeping with the dog (or whatever!) then it could hopefully be fun as well as useful?

Could you ask DSC1 to draw the house plan and make the cut out beds, so he feels that he has an important role to play?

With a bit of luck he will join in, but if he doesn't then as you say, you can make it very obvious that you are looking out for his interests. So long as he knows about it in plenty of time, it needs to go ahead with or without him, because even at his young age and with his current struggles, he needs to know that the family all make decisions together and that he is part of that. Also it is best not to have the rest of the family "held hostage" if he won't participate. This isn't me being nasty, before I get flamed, this is a term that has been used to us by child behaviour specialists to describe children trying to control things by "not playing".

I can't decide whether it would be best to plan for the baby having its own room from the start (even though it might not sleep in there immediately), or whether a phased approach might be better...I think we'll have to leave that to you Always, as you and your DH know what the kids will cope with best.

If that all sounds way too "Waltons" then my apologies, just trying to think how we would cope in this situation...

Totally agree that the entire household should not be 'held hostage' - which is an excellent way to describe the current situation.

Vita - you make a good point about shared residency not working when one parent is antagonistic.

My DSC are often told that their life with us is irrelevant by the ex's snidey comments.

However, she doesn't always want to take responsibility for the children and will therefore tell the kids, get your father to do it. (parents evenings, money, lifts etc). What terrible mixed messages for the children. Your father is irrelevant, unless it suits ME.

My DSC don't call any house "home" just Mum's house or Dad's house.

To be honest I don't think shared residency works very well for anyone, but what else can you do when parents are separated? I've no better ideas.

No one child in any household is more important than any other. Do what is best for all of the children.

No one child in any household is more important than any other. Do what is best for all of the children.

But what do you do when the children's needs conflict? Without the step factor, parents agree and reach a compromise together as to which child's needs are prioritised and cope together with the fallout - a stroppy teen, a disappointed toddler or a grumpy tween.

When one parent (often the one with primary care) is excluded from the decision making in the non-resident household, and their child is disadvantaged and upset as a result, then what? Should the uninvolved parent stay out of it, even when they are the ones picking up the pieces with an upset, or contact-refusing child?

If there is conflict you have to do the best you can. It's unfair on the other DCs to "reserve" a room for a DC who chooses not to be there.

sunna the counter argument to that is that if the DC was choosing to be there, then the other DCs rooms would be arranged to accommodate him, so they're not missing out on anything just because he's not there and his room is empty.

I've heard the argument used - by a relatively young (pre-teen) child who had not set foot in his dads house for over a year - that his Dad should keep a room for him at his house even though he will never use it, just in case his mum is ill in hospital and his dad has to look after him in an emergency. The dads household were in financial dire straights and looking to downsize or take in a lodger - but the son (and his mum) were both of the opinion that would rob the DC of his entitlement to space in his dads home should he need it.

It's an impossible dilemma and one in which there is no easy/right answer.

"I've heard the argument used - by a relatively young (pre-teen) child who had not set foot in his dads house for over a year - that his Dad should keep a room for him at his house even though he will never use it, just in case his mum is ill in hospital and his dad has to look after him in an emergency. The dads household were in financial dire straights and looking to downsize or take in a lodger - but the son (and his mum) were both of the opinion that would rob the DC of his entitlement to space in his dads home should he need it.

It's an impossible dilemma and one in which there is no easy/right answer."

Blimey, you wouldn't want to read my answer to the above !!

I've not seen that exact argument elsewhere, but have certainly read lots of stuff over the years which puts forward a similar sense of 'entitlement', even though the NRP is regarded as the devil incarnate by both their ex and their children.

I always find it astonishing that in a climate absolutely full of news stories about the very real difficulties so many people have in finding, let alone affording adequate housing these days - be it mortgaged or rented - somehow, the same issue is so often brushed aside when it comes to what is expected of an NRP re: accommodation. I've certainly seen the old favourite - 'why did you have another child if you can't give each of them a bedroom' - put forward a number of times, which completely disregards the fact that many children have to share in so-called 'together' families, so not necessarily the end of the world - and of course also ignores the myriad circumstances under which different families choose to have more children. And also, the oh-so casual remarks along the lines of 'why don't you move somewhere cheaper to get an extra bedroom?' or, 'why don't you extend/convert the loft?' in answer to people wondering how best to arrange the space they have. Like it's as easy as buying a new washing up bowl .

cats the problem is that if that sense of entitlement exists (rightly or wrongly) the rarely-visited household will become even less welcoming to the DC should they lose the room that it is believed they are entitled to.

It's a vicious circle - DCs in this situation cannot be parented conventionally (taught, for instance, that in this situation everyone in the family has an opportunity to have an equal say and their opinions considered) because they 1) have options open to them that allow them to circumvent conventional parenting methods (opting out of contact, for instance) and 2) are receiving very mixed messages from each of their parents.

Like vita, I wonder how a child genuinely feels when their parents can't agree on the definition of their "home/s". Arguably, the primary carer will always have most influence.

The rooms need to be re jigged and you need to make DSC part of that decision. Your DP needs to talk to all his DSCs and with your DCs together and work out how it moves forward.Then no one is being picked on.There are so many ways this can be phrased.

The DSC in question started secondary school in September and only since then has the behaviour changed, - that is 3 months, where he is supposed to have been around for a third of the time not excluding the missed contact- that is not much contact time to get to the bottom of the issues - rather than just blaming the EX.

kick him out of his room and install the baby and yourselves - will re inforce what his mother is allegedly telling him.
Giving him a camp bed - other than peruvian will jump down my throat - this was/has been done to one of my DCs - it was /is awful to deal with - as the parent who has not caused the problem and the upset and feeling of being pushed out is almost impossible to deal with, I can not answer why it was done, just deal with the fall out.My DCs, now no longer want to go to Dads house. One is on a camp bed the other on the sofa!

Not sure the whole family are dancing to his tune re rooms - no one has asked him or the other children what they think.

why is it most are out to jump to the defense of the poor step children who in my opinion always get the better deal. Why is it ok for the step children to have 2 bedrooms and the resident child to have 0? seems very unfair to me.

ktt - slightly sweeping statement, not sure mine would agree with you about being treated better!

They get the spare room if no one else visiting ( the step grand mother) which is most of the time - as she does most of the child care or they get a camp bed and the sofa between the two of them - not a shrine, toy, piece of clothing or picture of them on the mantelpiece in the other house!!!

Why is it ok for the step children to have 2 bedrooms and the resident child to have 0? seems very unfair to me.

There's very little fairness about life - step, blended or otherwise.

The stepDCs have options - they can refuse to engage in contact and reject the non-resident home (assuming that refusal will be facilitated by their Mum), whereas the resident child doesn't have those options - they have one home.

That, in itself, is not fair - and every parenting choice made from there on is influenced by that fact.