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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Do I include DSD in 'my' family things?

47 replies

Onthedoorstep · 19/12/2014 19:52

I am permanently confused about what's the right thing to do.

My children are youngish and DSD is 16. DSD wants to come to everything with us! e.g. playdates with old friends (including mummy friends of mine) - we've met up for years and it seems really odd having her there too.

Is it ok to say she can't come to these sorts of things, or is it wrong?

OP posts:

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FourthMary · 20/12/2014 09:37

I have a young ds and older dsd's. in this kind of scenario I would take ds on my own and dh would do something with dsd's.

I think with her lack of social life it sounds like she needs some help. Can you and dh look at clubs and activities she may be interested in?

ImperialBlether · 20/12/2014 09:42

Why can't her dad take that opportunity to do stuff with her? They could go for a run or a swim or to the cinema.

Did she ever have friends? It seems very sad that a 16 year old should not have any friends.

My (now adult) children love listening in on conversations I'm having with friends but after an hour or so they are sent packing.

Hedgehogsbuzz1 · 20/12/2014 09:44

Can you take her friend with you too? Or a lap top/art project for her to use in another room?

If she is having friendship issues, can you work out where her interests are and if there are any clubs/groups about she could join. If she likes the company of adults maybe you could consider knitting/sewing/sports clubs with grown ups.

Hedgehogsbuzz1 · 20/12/2014 09:47

I think DH needs to have quality time with her when you do some toddler activities. Can't he take her for a bike ride or a walk with a cafe stop or to the gym/pool/cinema

PeruvianFoodLover · 20/12/2014 09:57

If her mother isn't in her life then it's up to you to support and love this girl as I'm sure you do

Assuming this is the case, then it's even more essential that the OP is given the opportunity for respite away from a child who is relying on her in this way, and ensures that her own DCs don't lose their mum to the needs of their step-sister.

The OPs DH should be ensuring that his DD has approproriate support, and making sure that the demands on the OP are not so great that she loses the opportunity to socialise and parent her own DCs independent of his.

FunkyBoldRibena · 20/12/2014 10:03

A - where is her dad whilst you are with the other mummies [do you call yourselves that in real life?]

B - she will never leave those skills if she never gets to speak to adults, will she?

I feel your pain, I have a 17 yr old stepdaughter who rarely speaks even when it is her own family she is with [granddad, aunt etc] - we can only try to involve her - one day she might just grow up a bit.

Hoping she goes off to uni next Sept and learns some adult social skills to be honest.

paperlace · 20/12/2014 10:29

Peruvian - yes I see your point and agree. By 'you' I meant the girl's dad, more so than OP which I didn't make clear. But I get very uncomfortable when people make assumptions about teen not needing their parents or not caring about being 'left out'. I think when you have very young children and a much older step child you don't realise they are still children and they still need you.

paperlace · 20/12/2014 10:31

And step families are not easy for teenagers, or any kids, especially when their parent(s) go on to have new famiies - I speak from experience here. There may be all sorts of issues going on for her (I know what I'm saying is hardly an earth shatteringly revelation!).

Original poster

Onthedoorstep · 20/12/2014 11:26

Respite is exactly how I feel about it. :(

I have my own children less time than I have dsd. I really want to have nice private times with them because the dynamic is very different when I'm alone with them and when I'm with dsd.

OP posts:

Original poster

Onthedoorstep · 20/12/2014 11:27

Ps my children are NOT a new family - they are from my previous marriage.

OP posts:

Branleuse · 20/12/2014 11:29

it wont be forever x

MaryWestmacott · 20/12/2014 11:36

I think YANBU - perhaps you can change it so that you arrange for your DH to do stuff with her when you have plans, and tell her that first, then "Great you and Dad are going to XYZ, [your DCs] have been invited to a friend's to play so you two go have fun and I'll take the little ones over to their play date."

If she doesn't have any friends her own age, can you look at trying to get her involved with any clubs or groups on the weekends? Something to give you a break and a chance for her to socialise with DCs her own age outside of school. (I had few friends from school at that age, but a large group from other groups I'd joined). If she's struggling to make friends at school, then perhaps think about encouraging her to move for A levels.

noseyfrog · 20/12/2014 12:14

I would speak to my DH and ask him to do something with her in that time so she doesn't come along bit doesn't feel that she was told she couldn't.
I can see why it would be irritating to have her sat there while you're trying to talk to your friends.

Hedgehogsbuzz1 · 20/12/2014 13:13

You haven't answered the question about where the dad is? Why isn't he doing activities with DD

Chillyegg · 20/12/2014 13:34

I feel a abit sorry for your DSD she sounds at a bit of a loose end and probably wants to tag along because she feels insecure. Also as her mums not in the picture that much maybe she's trying to channel that lost relationship through you? I agree with what others have said why not get her dad to do something with her at those times. Maybe get her interested in a sports club or activity that's social? And I agree it's so important you have that time with your own children, but maybe she'd stop tagging along so much if you create a special time for you and her? Make each time seperate for certain occasions? Maybe a movie night do hair and nails or something you both enjoy?

DrElizabethPlimpton · 20/12/2014 13:42

How old was she when she last had regular contact with her mother? I'm wondering if her emotional development has stalled at this point, resulting in an over dependence on you as a maternal figure.

I feel for her as she appears to be in an emotional limbo.

Original poster

Onthedoorstep · 20/12/2014 16:50

She sees her mother but they have a very hostile and volatile relationship. I'm sure this is why she struggles to form normal attachments with people.

Yes I feel very sorry for her, but I am also wrung out and I know that causes me to push her away which I feel bad about but I love my own company and now never get a moment on my own; I also can't have a parent/child relationship with her because she doesn't do anything I say and enjoys negative attention as much as positive.

I think this thread has made me realise that DH needs to do more. He isn't very interactive with her, apart from sitting and watching tv etc. which is great, but I need them out of the house occasionally and doing more.

OP posts:

paperlace · 21/12/2014 07:15

You have my sympathy but when children are involved they have to come first. Annoying/anti social teens or otherwise. I'd say stop expending energy wishing she wasn't like this and find ways (or your dh find ways more to the point) to help her become a happier, more confident human being. We parents would all love more time to ourselves but if you have a kid in need, that has to go out the window doesn't it?

tribpot · 21/12/2014 07:37

What was your DH's relationship like with her before you were on the scene? Was he the primary carer then? I don't see how he can have been given he doesn't seem basically to do anything for her now. As exhausting as it is for you it's hardly surprisingly she's latched on to the only parent in her life who seems to do any actual parenting.

Your DH does indeed need to step up to the plate. It sounds as if your DSD hates being physically alone because she has been emotionally alone for so long.

Original poster

Onthedoorstep · 21/12/2014 13:15

DH is very quiet and probably used to interact more with her when she was younger - I think that beyond the pretend-games and jigsaws phase he's a bit baffled. She doesn't have any hobbies or like sports so it is hard to find anything she wants to do. They have been away together camping and to music gigs etc. but it's not stuff you can do every weekend.

It's true about her needing attention and company but I seriously cannot do it all the time because I am on the point of spending the night on a park bench just to get away from all the talking. It's driving me crazy. I've told DH he needs to take some of this burden off me.

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tribpot · 21/12/2014 13:22

Fully agree - this can't all come down to you. I'd leave him with all three kids and have a nice night away on your own.

ImperialBlether · 21/12/2014 16:53

I wouldn't; I would take my own children away for the weekend instead.

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