Do I include DSD in 'my' family things?

[Onthedoorstep]

I am permanently confused about what's the right thing to do.

My children are youngish and DSD is 16. DSD wants to come to everything with us! e.g. playdates with old friends (including mummy friends of mine) - we've met up for years and it seems really odd having her there too.

Is it ok to say she can't come to these sorts of things, or is it wrong?

Do you take your own children? If you do, it's wrong. She shouldn't be treated any different.

Yes I do take my own children - they are all old family friends. It just seems that we sit around feeling awkward with DSD there as she doesn't play with the little children - so us mummies can't talk!

I wouldnt bring a 16 year old to a playdate! Step child or own child! That is weird that she wants to go.

No - DP doesn't come, it's just an old group of mummies and children. DSD wants to come to EVERYTHING with us - which is sweet, but often annoying!

I would be questioning why she wants to come with you? Does she want to feel grown up? Time alone with you? Where would she be if she wasn't with you - is she trying to avoid it?

Sorry for all the questions

It's fine not to include her in things like that, I have teenagers that are my own biological children and I wouldn't take them

When you have an age difference children do get treated differently, equally but differently

She is 16. Just talk to your friends fgs. What happens when your own children are sixteen and want to tag along? Will they be allowed?

I wouldn't like to say no. Is she lonely? Why isn't she off with her own friends?

Your DSD wants to be involved with you, that is sweet. Is it not possible to include her in conversation? You could see this as a good opportunity to bond with her. Being 16, she may prefer to hang out with women rather than her dad.

Don't exclude her. Talking from personal experience, being excluded from a step mum and siblings activities sends a very clear message that you are not welcome in that 'family'. Be kind :)

I don't see the problem in not inviting her to things you are doing with old friends and the younger children.

When my teenagers have hung around a bit too much when I'm with my friends, I ask them if they'd like me to hang around when they're with their friends. The answer is always no, and they disappear. Same applies here - completely fair enough to say actually, this is my time with my friends.

But she does seem to need/want your company - could you and she go out on your own sometime?

No. I wouldn't class that as a "family" thing either. If anything it's a social call. I'm not entirely surely how you'd go about being clear she isn't invited though without making her feel pushed out.

Yup - the problem is that she doesn't really have friends, so her social life revolves around me and her dad. I know it's really sad and is something we are trying to address.

We can't involve her in grown-up talk. She doesn't really have the skills, if I'm blunt.

This is where her dad needs to step in and be a father. Depending on how far you are from her home base, either allow her to bring a friend or he does something with her. She probably just want to get out.

I think it's very unusual for older teens to want to be with parents. I think it's more normal for them to detach from parents. It's part of growing up.

However, I often read that step children tend to behave in an opposite way to that.

I think it has something to do with feeling insecure and a fear of"missing out" probably brought on by not spending all their time with the Nrp.

However, I do think it's important to reinforce normality and having an older teen tag along on adult time, shouldn't be allowed all the time.

I think allowing it actually will make her feel more insecure because she'll know it's not really "normal".

However, it does need to be dealt with carefully and tactfully.

Thank you.

I don't know what to do with her (wider problem I know). She really doesn't have any friends. She needs attention so much and I think her peers find her 'weird'. Her dad and me seem to have become her entire social life. :(

Does she have contact with her biological mother?

Not really at the moment.

Well from everything you've said it would be crushing for her if you said not to come along! She obviously has issues with social connections, she wants to spend time with you, she needs you. She will feel even more alienated if your own dc are taken along and she's not - no matter what her age is. If her mother isn't in her life then it's up to you to support and love this girl as I'm sure you do. I feel sorry for her. Do you talk to her about her lack of social life, can you encourage her to join some activities or something?

Could you phrase it as "taking DC for a play date"? Ie something that's clearly geared around your younger DC and not something that would really include her. And then try to do some things that do include her too. Do you know any families with DC her sort of age? Does your DP?

Or can you do your socialising with DC when she's at school?