Is it OK to go without DSC?

[ChristmasSparklee]

My sister has just announced her engagement, they've not booked the wedding yet but she's warned us that they're looking at getting married abroad summer 2015, possibly Turkey or Cyprus.
I'm so excited for her but I'm really worried about how we're going to afford a foreign holiday with not all that much notice.
She doesn't expect us to go and would understand if we couldn't afford it but I wouldn't miss it for the world.
Oh and she's a teacher so it'll be in the school holidays, yes that's great that we don't need to take the kids out of school but not great as far as the cost is concerned.
I can do some overtime at work and we can reign in our spending and if necessary put some costs on the credit card, and my parents will probably help us out a bit so we'll probably manage it but realistically there's a big difference between paying for 4 of us (me, dh and our 2 dsc) or paying for 6.
DH thinks we should go without DSC, they're already going on a foreign holiday with their Mum next year but I know we would never hear the end of it from her, she is very critical of anything we do / don't do. And more importantly I'm worried about upsetting DSC. DSD asked a few months ago if we could all go abroad and we said we can't afford it, I just think it will now look mean if we go without them.
DSC hardly know my sister, she doesn't live locally so they only usually see her about twice a year.
My own DC are quite close to her though as we (me and DC) often go and stay with her for a few days in the school holidays and they're always speaking to her on Skype.

We usually take DSC camping for 2 weeks during summer holidays but I don't think we will be able to afford to do that as well as the wedding holiday, we might manage a long weekend or a week at the most.

I could go to the wedding by myself but I would miss DH and DC and my sister wants them to be bridesmaid a page boy, we've never been abroad together, not even just me and DH so it would be lovely if we can make it happen.
Part of me thinks it's mean to not take DSC but paying for 2 extra children will probably make it unaffordable and we would probably have to not go or I go on my own.
So then I think it's not fair that my children have to miss out on going to their Aunty's wedding because we can't afford to take DSC who are already going on a foreign holiday.

It's just so frustrating, we can't win what ever we do.

Like I said, nothing is confirmed yet, so we could just be worrying over nothing, fingers crossed they'll realise how expensive weddings are and move it back 12 months. But I'm just interested to hear what others would do?

Well done. Now start thinking about your wedding hat!!

OP - could you afford Turkey for you and your 2DCs, then your DH take his 2DC camping (possibly over to France?) without you? That would only need 1 car, a lot less equipment and money. It would also 'even' up things, both have had a holiday without the others about.

Eurocamp's not cheap really - well cheaper than a hotel but a lot more than just paying for a campsite. If you've got the camping gear already and are somewhere in the south of England I'd look into taking the car(s) and camping gear to France. Maybe a roofrack or a trailer would mean you could fit in one car? Or see if there's something fun the DSC would really enjoy in this country? Ours get very excited about anything involving a theme park.

But you're right - it's for your DH to know how to handle his ex really.

Firstly, go take your DCs and DH- end of discussion.

Secondly, it is going to have to be explained well to DSCs, that one they are probably not going to get a holiday with you guys this year and yes you are having the foreign holiday you said you could not afford without them - it is going to cause some problems - they would not be normal kids if it did not!

I think anyone can see how the DSCs may be miffed and diplomacy is going to be key and you know there are going to be issues otherwise you would not be raising them here. Nice that you care though.

It is irrelevant that they are going on holiday with their mum, this is about how your DP tells them and handles it and their role in your family.

Liara - your suggestion is just crass and gives SMs a bad rep. Having been told by my EX that he could not afford to take his DCs on holiday with her and her DCs - to then find them in the Caribbean for the 2 weeks of the summer he should have been doing child care - it sucked. In essence I paid for their holiday - by forking out for the 2 weeks of holiday activities on their weeks he should have been doing child care - that was this year. Last year, I paid for the rental of the villa that they all went to - by him stopping maintenance for 3 months to afford to take them away for 2 weeks!!!!

I wouldn't describe it as a holiday at all -- I think of weddings more like a very fun version of a work conference.

I'd suggest DH stays home with the kids. You go and have a great time. You could go for less time and could really be there to support your DSis.
Your DC sound as though they would be too young to apriciate the holiday.

WhaddayWant - dd will be nearly 2, DS will be nearly 5. They would absolutely love going on an aeroplane, spending time with grandma, grandad, aunty, uncles and their cousins, playing in the pool, building sandcastles on the beach, going on a boat trip etc.
Before i had kids I used to go abroad about 3-4 times a year, its now been about 6 years of staying in UK. Its not just a holiday, its making memories. as much as i love camping, getting back to basics etc, its just not the same, i come back feeling rough and last time had a bad neck for weeks cos we'd pitched our tent in a slight ditch, meaning we slept terribly.
I do really really want dh and dc to come, I just wish we could also guarantee DSC a camping holiday.

Liara i've only just seen your post. I could see your suggestion going down like a lead balloon! Probably worse than not taking them at all. I don't think their mum should be responsible for paying for them to come on holiday with us, or even contributing towards it. Yes she's finanially better off than we are but that's for her to spend how she pleases.

Mary - but going on separate holidays would mean that dh and I wouldn't get a holiday together and dh wouldn't get a holiday with his 2 youngest. The only ppl that would suit is DSC. I'm sure they would love getting their dad all to themselves for a week, but, as much as i want to consider them in our plans, i think it wouldn't be good for anybody to revolve our plans around them.

oh sorry OP - I meant your DH come with you to turkey, then he does camping just with the 2 DSC to keep the costs of that additional trip down. That way, while their Dad has had 2 holidays, each child has only had 1. (ignoring the trip with their mum)

Can your DH promise to take the two of them on a foreign holiday a little later. I think they would go for that, but saying that he is taking his younger two aboard and can't afford to take them camping is unfair. They might have to wait a little longer but I bet they'd be happy if they were promised a holiday abroad with him a few months later.

Lunar - yes you're right taking them abroad will be cheaper than camping in uk, that's the answer! FFS

I did say save up for longer. Or does it just have to be the cheapest option for your step children FFS.

needaholiday - it may not be any of her business, but she is going to be the one left with 2 kids who are pissed off, upset and feeling excluded - so am sure comments will be made. It would be unrealistic for this not to happen.
(believe me having been in this situation - the hurt to my DCs was huge. They knew and felt unwanted - aged 6 and 4 yrs. It is awful to deal with children, who feel that one parent does not want them - regardless of the circumstances)

OP - your DP needs to phrase this well to the DCs and his EX. It does not help that you said no foreign holidays and then go off on one and do not take them - it will regardless, of the circumstances be interpreted as them being excluded.

Can your DH promise to take the two of them on a foreign holiday a little later. I think they would go for that, but saying that he is taking his younger two aboard and can't afford to take them camping is unfair.

It's unequal, not unfair. DCs don't have to be treated equally to be treated fairly.

believe me having been in this situation - the hurt to my DCs was huge. They knew and felt unwanted - aged 6 and 4 yrs. It is awful to deal with children, who feel that one parent does not want them - regardless of the circumstances

How awful! Why on earth did your ex tell the DCs that he didn't want them just because he couldn't afford to take them to the overseas wedding of their stepmum' family?

Why on earth did your ex tell the DCs that he didn't want them just because he couldn't afford to take them to the overseas wedding of their stepmum' family?

you don't think children, even very young children, are capable of expressing that themselves?

Regardless, I think you've mixed the posts and that's not what is being said here.

peruvian You don't have to tell children that you don't want them, for them to feel that that is the case.

That said, my ex's DW's family live abroad, so he has been abroad with her, and with youngest DC without my two. They would like to have gone but have been completely understanding that their DF can't afford it. So it is very much a case of how you handle it. My ex has always made sure to do something with them though - very cheap camping holidays with just him and them, lots of walking, exploring, visiting beaches and cooking on a fire - ie nothing that costs money! It can be done and they can still feel that they matter to him without lots of money being spent if you handle it well I think.

Yes, do describe it as a wedding that you have to go to, rather than a holiday. And best not to make the direct link between the cost of this and not having much more money to spend on a holiday for DSC (though they may make this link themselves, best not to spell it out for them)

Your sister's plans sound very vague, for a wedding next summer. I am sure she has her reasons but mArrying abroad creates maximum expense and inconvenience for guests, dictating their summer spending and calendar. If she had dates and place now you could take advantage of the cheap advance flights etc. I think it's sad that people have to go into credit card debt to go to a wedding.

But given this difficulty make decisions based on what seems best and reasonable to you, not based on unreasonable behaviour from the ex.

But your sister needs to understand that people in other jobs often have to book time off work for summer hols in Jan, so if she wants any guests, get on with it.

I think it bizarre to book a wedding that makes it so hard for your own sister to attend that you would 'understand' if she couldn't .

Go :)

How old are the sc? Old enough to explain?

If we had to take the sc on holiday we simply couldn't afford to go at all. They go once, sometimes twice a year with their mum and stepdad, ai packages. Mine have been to France on camping holidays twice in 10 years.

As much as we might like them to come, when you have a budget it's practically impossible to take a family of 6 away cheaply.

Sc are teenagers now and understand that our financial priorities are different. We pay for sports and activities, but have no money for holidays. Their mum would rather go on holiday and them not do any activities. Sc actually have the best of both worlds as they get holidays and to do activities!

I think it's fair that everyone gets one foreign holiday. It's also reasonable to exclude dsc from a family event that's nothing to do with them. If it was your dh's family then it might be a different story.

You need to stop thinking of the trip as a holiday. It is a family wedding which just happens to be abroad. If your DP is Ok with not taking the DSC then its his call and I would leave him to deal with any fallout.
I have a lot of family who live abroad and don’t know DSC. Its not even anywhere hot or ‘holidayish’ but DSC and DP used to get in a mood when I took my kids out to visit them, but its no different to when he takes DSC down to visit his parents at the other end of the country. The fact that it is a 40 minute flight rather than a 4 hour drive is irrelevant.
As for the ex ... well she will have a moan whatever you do so you might as well enjoy the wedding and let her get on with it...