dsd attitude

[wheresthelight]

we have bought dd and dsd a new set on bunk beds this week as dd has reached the lowest level her cot will go to and I doubt it will be long before she learns to climb out!

when changing the bed over we noticed that dsd has wet the bed and just left it. I haven't changed the beds for a couple of weeks as they are only here one night a week and eow so hadn't noticed before but the sheets had 2 dry rings and a wet one. Dp has spoken to her about it in terms of its the fact she hasn't said anything that he is cross about. I have said nothing. so now she is refusing to speak to me or even acknowledge me.

I have cooked tea and they are all in the living room and I am in the kitchen. Dp seriously doesn't get why I am fuming and upset as yet again i am being made to feel unwelcome in my own home. I have asked dsd several direct questions since collection at 5 and she has point blank refused to speak.

we used to have this issue with dss until I lost my temper and shouted a lot and cried a lot. but every time dp lets them get away with it.

Urgh I am pissed off!!!!

It seems to me that most emotionally healthy people would understand why drawing parallels between reactions to step children and birth children doesn't really make sense

I agree. It never ceases to amaze me how often stepparents on here are urged to treat their stepchildren in the same way as their own children - whereas in fact, "emotionally healthy people" would understand that the reactions (of the both the adult and the child) are different depending on the relationship between them.

Ahh if this is an ongoing issue then this is about far more than her being embarrassed about a one off accident. Its a big issue now, and will have built up in her head and going by yours and dp's reactions then she will be all too aware of what telling you will acheive.

Also, if this is happening everywhere all the time then why on earth was no-one checking if her sheets needed changing in the mornings? No one can predict a one off accident but this is ongoing and no one checked her sheets for weeks? Didnt the room stink of wee? Poor pet.

Sorry Star but your PA attempt to twist a small section of Nikis post will not take the shine off a well worded and thought out view.

Then we are in agreement as I would not expect anyone to treat MY child as if they "were their own". I would however expect them to be respectful and kind and take into account the difficulties of that child's situation and have awareness that they are children and not "mini" adults trying to make the step parents life difficult. I would certainly expect them to react with "fury" to a 9 year old who is embarrassed that she has wet the bed so doesn't tell anyone.

NOT to react with fury

Personally, I agree with nicki - the reaction of other posters to stepparents negative language towards their DSC is naturally going to be different from the reactions to the same language used by parents about their own DCs elsewhere on the board.
I have experience of that having posted the same situation from pov of a parent and as a stepparent.

But, there are some posters on this thread who deny that and claim their outrage would be the same no matter who was being "nasty" about the child. And if that is the case, then you would expect the same proportion of challenges to OPs who are vile to a child no matter what the relationship. And that isn't the case.

But, there are some posters on this thread who deny that and claim their outrage would be the same no matter who was being "nasty" about the child. And if that is the case, then you would expect the same proportion of challenges to OPs who are vile to a child no matter what the relationship. And that isn't the case.

You can just write my name Star I find you PA ways very tiresome.

You are trying to hold a handful of posters responsible for the entire attitudes of MN. Have you used your calculator and sifted through the thousands of posts to determine what the percentages are? Your argument was invalid to begin with but now you are just making yourself look at bit daft.

That's not what I am saying stardust. Please do not twist my words for your own agenda. I am saying that I react differently and believe that other posters also do to people criticising their step children because the animosity is often extremely overt and palpable in their posts. Personally I judge each post individually and certainly do not apply a blanket perception because an OP is from a step parent.

Again this is just another facet of your weak "wah, wah, wah, it's just because I am a step parent and you're all meanies argument. I do wonder at the lack of insight that promotes that view so consistently though and think a person who holds it probably has much more responsibility for the problems in their family than they realise.

You can just write my name Star I find you PA ways very tiresome.

But it wasn't just you, flossy - in fact, more posters seem to agree with you then either nicki or myself.....it would be wrong to single you out when you hold the majority view

But it wasn't just you, flossy - in fact, more posters seem to agree with you then either nicki or myself.....it would be wrong to single you out when you hold the majority view wink

YAWN.

Again this is just another facet of your weak "wah, wah, wah, it's just because I am a step parent and you're all meanies argument.

Fortunately, not my "argument" but one which has been researched and documented widely (and to which links to academic papers have been posted on this board in the past).

It's naive to assert that everyone on this board posts as you do - based on the contents of the posts alone, when there is significant evidence that individuals in society react to others based on the stereotypes that they have been exposed to.

Not everyone who posts on the stepparenting board on MN is aware of the impact those stereotypes have on themselves, and who therefore make a conscious effort to suppress their instinct and reactions in favour of a considered and measured response.

And It's perfectly natural that members of a minority group that is subject to negative stereotyping will become defensive when that stereotype is reinforced.

The OP was repeatedly told on this thread how she felt about her DSD - not asked. Posters projected the feelings they expected her to feel onto her. Where else on MN is it acceptable to tell a poster how they feel and accuse them of lying when they deny it?

I think there's becoming sensitive to a stereotype and then there's wheeling it out on every possible occasion to use as an excuse for really unkind and selfish attitudes from adults towards children.

In fact I've yet to be on a thread with you stardust where you haven't posted it, even on threads filled with sensible and measured posts where it's quite clear that the OP is being most unreasonable and attacking towards their stepchildren. Obviously I can't link and couldn't be bothered to if I could as it's a personal perception only obviously.

Where was she accused of lying?

Posters are told all over MN Star the SP board is not singled out in that respect. You seem to want it to be an issue though. You are gleefully trying to create a divide or argument that the SP board is badly treated by MNetters. This has been evident on the few threads I have been on with you. Your agenda is becoming clearer with every post. I doubt I am the only one who has noticed.

even on threads filled with sensible and measured posts where it's quite clear that the OP is being most unreasonable and attacking towards their stepchildren

Unlike this one, then?

I say what I see. I'm not a stepmum, although my DD has one - and I'm acutely aware that any of the posts on here could be by her; raging about my DD and her Dad. And frankly, I wouldn't blame her - I struggle to tolerate my DD's behaviour at times, and my exH is a DisneyDad of epic proportions. My DD's SM deserves a medal!
I would have nothing but sympathy if my DD's SM needed a place to vent and rage about my DD - being a stepparent is the toughest job in the world, and she deserves to have somewhere safe without being reminded that the brothers Grimm (or should that be Grimm brothers?) decided to vilify women like her generations ago.

I have seen no hatred of SM on this thread at all. Most of us are SM. In fact I have seen very little SM hating on this board in recent months. You are intent on finding it though. For some reason you seem to want posters to hate SM and that is frankly odd

Agree flossy.

I think that - rightly or wrongly - people take it for granted that mothers love their own children, even if they express frustration at them. I find if you're asking for advice and support about a DSC it's a good idea to say something positive about the child, to show that you don't just hate having them around.

The OP here has shown nothing but contempt for her DSD saying she's a swine and shown no interest in trying to support the poor child in dealing with an embarrassing issue.

Absolutely staggering. Where is the compassion and love? For the child, her parents, the op whatever her flaws, and for each other as adults? Parenting and childhood is so deep for all of us whatever our status. Lots of triggers. Why can't we acknowledge each others' pain? Good God where would the helping professions be if people only 'presented' in a favourable way.

Hmm

Wondering whether it's PA to accuse someone of being PA

I empathise with both sides of this disagreement, as a SM (and an SC) and a poster on these boards.

I think the OP is being a little unsympathetic to her DSD, and also expecting a bit much. My DSD is 12 and still doesn't strip or make bed/hang up towels/pick up rubbish she's left on the floor. She doesn't do it out of spite just has never learnt. Of course there's no way I'll let my own kids behave like that at 12 but I don't blame DSD, I just cope with it while sometimes suggesting changes. I remember wetting myself in front of my auntie when I was about 9. I was mortified and insisted it was spray from the taps. She was as nice as can be and tumble-dried my clothes but my little heart sank and I wanted never to see her again!!

Secondly I do agree that this board is (ironically) very inhospitable to step-mums. The attitude of negativity comes from the posters who claim to be policing against negativity! There isn't much natural compassion for women in step roles or honestly much wisdom. What there seems to be is an endless pity for the children for having to put up with a step situation, and that's not always right. Us stepmums are often looking for positive, practical suggestions or things that have worked for other people, not to be told how upset the children must be about unchangeable aspects of the situation.

My stepkids' bad luck all happened long before I came on the scene: they were genuinely unlucky to have parents that didn't see eye to eye or get on, or manage to run a proper household together, or refrain from committing adultery. That's a problem that doesn't disappear but which was alleviated by divorce. Sometimes when I have posted on here the effect has been opening up to the most conservative members of my extended family. I.e. those who think that after a divorce there is only darkness, and the children's lives are forever ruined. I can't agree, and I don't think anyone should get involved in a step situation who feels like that either. I don't think I will post on here much more as an OP as it just makes me feel like a pariah in society, which of course is not true. Children are the most optimistic thing in the world, and we must try to add whatever is appropriate to their experience/upbringing/sense of security.

Things often change when someone becomes a stepparent or becomes closely related to a stepfamily. When I became a stepparent I started asking my own stepdad all sorts of questions and I began to greatly respect him. I felt so shameful the way I used to speak to him, but my 12, 13, 14 year old self didn't know what was going on at the time. As a FT stepmum I have a similar attitude to you Daisy about my DSD's situation and despite the challenges it's usually a privilege being a family together. To be honest I can also relate to my 45 year old DH who probably doesn't know what's sometimes happening, as well as relating to my 43 year old self. No point beating ourselves / anyone up.

Friends and even family of mine have sometimes talked about their 'favourite' children - not right I know. I was shocked when I heard my mum once say she favoured me over my brother. But it often seems a stepparent - which is tremendous responsibility - daren't express their experience, or put a foot wrong, even though things will go wrong frequently due the complexities in even the most simple of stepfamily setups. That's despite stepparents who (just by being part of society) may also be birth parents, adoptive parents, foster parents, teachers, children's social workers, children's / youth workers etc and so have plenty of experience with children - which is not always appreciated.

So I know what you mean about some posters, Daisy. But just when I've thought of turning away from MN there's been some real pearls of wisdom, warmth and understanding from parents and stepparents (esp parents whose children have stepparents) which has been very encouraging - so I hope you pop back occasionally.

I've read and spoken with kids about what they go through in step situations and I feel that needs to be understood first. On top of that I've always thought it would be great if there was a really empathic book / conference called '100 things biological parents wished stepparents knew' and its partner '100 things stepparents wished biological parents knew.' Maybe it would heal, bring understanding and help prevent unhealthy relationships.