dsd attitude

[wheresthelight]

we have bought dd and dsd a new set on bunk beds this week as dd has reached the lowest level her cot will go to and I doubt it will be long before she learns to climb out!

when changing the bed over we noticed that dsd has wet the bed and just left it. I haven't changed the beds for a couple of weeks as they are only here one night a week and eow so hadn't noticed before but the sheets had 2 dry rings and a wet one. Dp has spoken to her about it in terms of its the fact she hasn't said anything that he is cross about. I have said nothing. so now she is refusing to speak to me or even acknowledge me.

I have cooked tea and they are all in the living room and I am in the kitchen. Dp seriously doesn't get why I am fuming and upset as yet again i am being made to feel unwelcome in my own home. I have asked dsd several direct questions since collection at 5 and she has point blank refused to speak.

we used to have this issue with dss until I lost my temper and shouted a lot and cried a lot. but every time dp lets them get away with it.

Urgh I am pissed off!!!!

Similarly even if OP had been the child's mother and posted this way about it I would still regard her as nasty and a bad parent. That sort of attitude damages children.

I feel the same across any board Star I have never supported a parent who calls their child vile names.

Stardust, that's simply not true. If the op came in and said she was finding it hard to deal with step daughters behaviour and would value some support she would certainly have elicited a more positive response. I hate this board because I clearly have my own personal experiences but I hope the op considers her approach based on some of these responses. I have plenty of step parent friends who struggle, I accept it's tough but I also know when posts (like this one) is not just about making things better for the relationship.

I just think it's interesting that negative language used by stepmums is called out far more frequently than on any other boards.

You would expect there to be an equal distribution of posters across MN that are willing to challenge "vile name calling" - yet it's clear that there is far greater proportion of posters willing to do that here on the step- board than anywhere else on the site.

At least stepmums have somewhere to go for advice - even if it's not in the part of the site that MN intended!

Tenacious ain't ya stardust. I think you'll find unless you can present evidence to back up your claim most of us just won't believe you are you really suggesting that if this post presented itself in relationships for example, the responses would have been different? For what it's worth, I'm not keen on the name calling or unbalanced responses either but I doubt people would have responded differently if this was posted elsewhere. Disclaimer: Just my own particular view.

This board demonstrates a very different form of support than the other boards on MN - and is frequented by posters who claim they are defending the DCs from hatred, whereas in fact, they appear to care not a jot about those DCs who are being posted about in the same terms elsewhere on the site.

When I first joined MN this board was a pit of hatred. There were some posters who took great joy in hating their SDC. They created "bingo" threads and threads where posters could "safely" be vile about children. The support I saw was to agree that 5 yo girls were mini wives and to blame for Disney dad behavior. Posters were supported to detach from the children when they were not getting all of their DH/DP's attention.

I saw very little support to make positive changes. I was bullied off this board and told I had no right to post here because I didn't agree with the child hating. It sounds like you preferred it that way Star

Strong Flossy but I agree.

Strong Flossy but I agree

Sorry Blu I have a hangover and my tact filter is off kilter this morning

Both my stepchildren were bedwetters. My stepdaughter till she was about 10 or 11, my stepson till he was 12.

It is tedious. However, there is basic stuff which most people would do in this situation, such as putting down waterproof sheets preventing damage to a mattress. (It's also possible to buy sleeping bags with a special lining, that children can get into easily if the original bedding is wet.)

I think a change of bed would probably make it harder for someone who is reluctant to leave warm sheets at night to get up and go to the bathroom. Particularly if they were in a top bunk - which is presumably the case if the bottom bunk is reserved for a smaller child.

One of the things that my partner and I did as the children got a bit older was to institute a reward system for not waking us at night/dealing with bedding. So it would be possible to reward both a) dry nights but also b) prompt reporting of an accident either when it happens or the next morning - whichever works best for everyone concerned.

Each situation is different, and I think there has to be an acknowledgement that is easier to stay dry as you get older and have greater physiological control. I think it's also easier if parents - and any other significant adults - can agree on an approach and work together to implement it. This is less easy when parents have split up, and the views of a step-parent may be different from those of both the mother and the father.

Too early for hair of the dog

I think you'll find unless you can present evidence to back up your claim most of us just won't believe you

It's "not the done thing" to link to other threads, but if you take a wander over to the "behaviour and development" board, you'll see all the vile language I've referred up thread in current posts/threads. And none of them have resulted in the same attacks on the OPs - a few lone voices about the tone of the OP have been shouted down in favour of a sympathetic response.

OP, I'm sorry for the hard time you are getting here.

Of course it is very frustrating to have a sulky child who is bent on ignoring you, the more so when this is the second of your DSC to pull that one and you've come here to vent and get some support. But it does seem as if she is behaving like this because of the bedwetting, so I'd give her the benefit of the doubt this time.

For the future, I'd be getting a waterproof bottom sheet and letting her know that she can come to you at any time and tell you (or her dad) if she's had an accident and that you won't be annoyed. And try to engage with her about things she can do - even if that means having a code word to remind her to go to the loo if she's (understandably) sensitive about this. At 9 she knows this isn't how things should be, and she does need to start to do things to help herself like going to the loo regularly. I knew a child who also refused to go to the loo regularly and was still bed wetting almost every night at 16. It was only when she moved to her own place and had to deal with all the washing that she finally realised it was much easier just to make a schedule for peeing! Like your DSD she'd been to the docs most of her life in connection with this and they found that because she withheld urine so regularly that her bladder was much larger than normal, so she could pee prodigiously.

You and DP need to work together to decide how you'll deal with any other times she is deliberately ignoring you that are not related to bed wetting, because it isn't on that her behaviour makes you feel pushed out in your own home. The best way to deal with a strop is often to just ignore it, but DH will need to be onside for that and to make sure that you aren't feeling excluded

That's just one example starburst and I don't deny there will be plenty of others but if you look on the talk board right this minute you'll see another step mother struggling and getting some great support which is entirely due to the way she presented her difficulties which very clearly highlight her intentions, namely support and not collusion.

Star I do not frequent every single board on MN so I cannot be held responsible for what happens on other threads. However if I am on a thread where children are being called vile names and hated then I do express my disgust as well as trying to offer advice if I can.

Too early for hair of the dog

I think one sniff of booze this morning would get me drunk again Blu

I have not been nasty to her or about her.

we have waterproof covers on the mattress but she had stopped wetting and hadn't done it for over 7 months the at night.

there is absolutely no need to call me names or accuse me of beating her ffs you lot are crazy

there is absolutely no need to call me names

So you can call your DSD a swine but you don't like it when you are called names

You called her a swine, and your general attitude screams not liking her so yes, you have been nasty.

Star I had a quick look at the other board and saw that folk were actually telling an op not to call her dd what she did, didn't see other folk calling children nasty names on there so I think your argument is a bit invalid.

Most of us don't visit every board though and the ones we do visit we do call the op out for such things. It's not our problem if that doesn't happen everywhere, we're not the moderators and I will ALWAYS call anyone, be they parent, step parent, aunt or uncle or grandparents, even the Pope, out if they use vile language and generally be nasty about children.

you really are a nasty bunch. I am leaving now because most of you are vile and have no interest in the actual issue

We have more interest in the issue than you it seems. You have been given advice but because many will not agree to your name calling of a child or that your DP being cross was the right way to go you are flouncing. Grow up OP and have some compassion for the 9 yo who is wetting the bed and dealing with adults around her that are not supporting her.

This argument that elsewhere on the board it is acceptable to moan about your children and call them names with impunity is tediously regular on this board by certain posters and simplistic in the extreme. People moaning about their children is natural, family relationships are trying. However when it's your own child there is a deep bond in place there and it's clear that it's mainly tongue in cheek moaning or a parent pushed beyond endurance after 24 hour a day, 7 day a week parenting.

In a significant number of threads on this board it seems to me that many of the "moans" are being made by people who do not have such a bond with the child in question and more often than not the moans come from a negative place of resentment for their step child and to be quite frank are somewhat petty. There is a definite flavour to these kinds of posts that is unmistakable.

This is why people bristle up. These children are already struggling with their family situations and having people in their lives not of their choosing, there may often be a difficult ex in the background pulling their loyalties unbearably. They will be aware that they're not particularly wanted by the people they have to spend time with.

It seems to me that most emotionally healthy people would understand why drawing parallels between reactions to step children and birth children doesn't really make sense and it surprises me that I see such a weak argument used so often here.

OP I would only be repeating what others have said if I address your OP but do think you sound quite angry and resentful over what is essentially a very normal occurrence in childhood i.e wetting the bed and not telling anyone.

I imagine a parent whose birth child had done this once or twice would be posting with concern, not anger, or calling them a "swine" if they posted at all after only a few bed wettings. So it's a pretty good example of the points I make in my previous paragraphs.

We may indeed be a nasty bunch op, but none of us are as nasty as you and you are quite frankly acting like a child.

And I agree with what you have said very strongly Nicki

Strongly agreed Nicki and brilliantly put.