scared to sit down...

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

...in my own home!! Well slight exaggeration but we have a massive couch. I always alwats sit at an end . Dsc have commandered the seats tonight. Dp on other seat.

Im actually scared to ask kids to move because the last time i did i got accused from their mum as treating them like dogs.
I nean i am the adult after all. O should get to sit wgere i please. I hate sitting in the middle. I fedl like a guest when i have to do that.

I know how petty this sounds but thats how ridiculous my life has become. Scared to sgift the kids incase it starts an arguement. WT actual F!!!

Purple you nade me laugh. Wine will moat definitely work too.
Calico thats so sad. Dss mum doesnt sound very nice if she woukd laugh at something like that.

I dont want to not talk to the kids but it is hard watching everything you say or do. Driving me nuts to say the least.

will be had tonight. Xx

I would be a bit sly about this, and turn it into a game.

"Everyone pull daddy's leg hairs!"

Seats are empty now, take your pick.

He will soon catch on to make sure you have a chair.

Loving trollsworth's suggestion! You could do a lot with that theme -

"There are biscuits in the kitchen!"

So you refuse to speak to your step kids and you get upset that they sit on "your" spot on the sofa?

You don't sound particularly mature ready to be in a relationship that encompasses step kids tbh.

Some people are actually on the spectrum, don't be so fucking offensive.

Sit on DH's knee, that should provoke some movement and some spaces next time

Some people are so rude on here! Anyway,If people bothered to read the whole thread you would see that I have mentione dthere have been a few events recently which provokes the reaction of not speaking to the kids. why would I want to speak to them when everything I say gets twisted or half told to their mum. Then she starts giving DP abuse about me? I wil lspeak to the kids I just let them start the conversation and I reply politely and try not get to far into anything that could be used against me.

I disagree about not being ready for kids in a relationship. I am absolutley ready, what i am not ready for is cheeky, lying, disrespectful kids (and I am not just talking about a spot on the sofa).

I have also always said that I know it is rediculous to be annoyed at this situation (I know iabu) but im more frustrated that I cant just tell the kids to budge up or shift. Its not really about the spot on the sofa. Its the not being able to approach them like I would my neices or nephews.

Thanks to those who have offered advice / support and take the time to understand the underlying issues.

cedric you've deliberately ignored the issue to air some completely random issue you clearly have which is unrelated.

The issue that the OP has is that when she talks to her step kids in a normal human way, their mum has some sort of aggressive go at her - not sure if it's directly or via the kids or her partner.

It sounds like it's become a bit distressing and out of control. It's not healthy for kids to be given the impression they're in charge and can control the grown ups via their mum, or the impression their mum rules the universe by virtue of other humans coming out of her foo foo. It's not helpful if your partner isn't backing you up, and tbh you sound a little depressed, and like you need a big hug and be told that you are valued.

I think, hard as it seems, just now you need to try to act 'normally' as you would with any other family members or friends kids. When inevitably things get fed back to you from whichever route you need to politely tell them that you are treating them like your own, and in your own home there are some rules which may be different to mums house but they are to be respected. If this is your partner feeding this back you need to tell him he's not the vessel of his ex and her parenting wishes, and if he wished to raise his kids exactly per his ex's house then respectfully he would still be living there so please back you up!

My partner roundly ignores his ex's pointless feedback about how she feels we should run our home, and I wouldn't want to be being told by some random stranger how to act within it. Realise that over and above being mean and confusing their kids, the kids mum has no power in your home, unless there's something so serious that she wishes to try to block contact with you (such as drug abuse which I presume you're clear ;-) )

To be honest I couldn't deal with it all if my situation was like this, where's the thanks? Being a step parent is hard enough, you start out inviting virtual strangers into your home, inevitably you end up changing your life and paying for them (6 years holidays in kids holiday camps anyone). Every now and then people need to realise that you didn't actually sign up for this in life, they're actually not your kids and actually say, thanks for that, thanks for being their for my kids and loving my kids you're great. I appreciate it very much when my partner says that, it's a nice thing.

My god i remember being a step parent and it was awful!!

Tell them to move up, if they go home and tell their mother and she sends a shitty text then you let it go right over your head! Delete the text and forget about it. If its not a nice message or texts regarding contact arrangements then you ignore them.

It took me along time to do that.

Dont engage with anything she wants to discuss about how you treat the kids etc.

She will soon stop texting rubbish when she doesnt get a single reaction from you or your dp.

Do not let the kids show that you are scared of them, they will play this to their advantage.

Its your house, you sit were the bloody hell you like!

Do not have a child making you feel uncomfortable.

If your dp complains, politley suggest that he has contact time away from the house.

That will shut him up once he realises that its very difficult to entertain kids all day in the cold etc..

Dont respond to rubbish, delete it and act thick.

Best way to be!

Wow.. I can't imagine how shit I would've felt if my step mum had asked me to move because I was in "her" seat.

How awful. Poor kids.

Dont be silly meg. Lots of people have their 'own' seat in their home. Nothing poor about someone being asked to get off it. My parents still shift me off their seats in their house when i visit. I do it with my dcs. Its a non issue. No offence taken. Its their seat.

My parents still shift me off their seats in their house when i visit. I do it with my dcs. Its a non issue. No offence taken. Its their seat.

It's something most people would accept "within a family" but when a DSC is either 1) treated like a guest, 2) encouraged to behave as a guest or 3) feels like a guest, then asking them to move garners the "poor kids" response.

Thing is, a DSC can't be convinced to "feel at home" in their NRP house.

No matter how much they are considered a member of the family, if they don't feel it, then the type of behaviour that is acceptable within families (familiar behaviour) will only result in them feeling even more unhappy and unwelcome.

I am definitely a guest when I go to visit my parents - I've not lived with them in 20 years and never lived in the house they're in now.

But I'm still quite aware which seat is my dad's seat and shift out of it if he wants it. Respect for adults and acknowledgement that older people tend to find it harder to sit on the floor isn't something that only applies to full time household members

Meg, you must have led a very sheltered life if you think being asked to move by an adult is awful. Jeez, the op is a right evil cow

I am so glad some of you see my point of view.

I dont want kids to sit on the floor but just bunch up.

We were at a family house party and the kids got seats while adults sat on floor. DP Was on at them constantl to shift for the adults. To me its a respect thing, and its something we as kids always done was to move as soon as an adult came in the room.

I suppose my dp didnt see an issue the other night as he prob thought i would just shift them. i dont think he realises how i feel about other stuff going on.

X

Interesting that your DP recognises the 'respect for adults' thing re: kids monopolising seats when he has an audience - but gives you 'looks' if you ask them to move specifically for you in your own home. If there's tale-telling going on and a difficult relationship with the ex there definitely seems to be an unhealthy dynamic going on where he doesn't want the boat to be rocked.

In a similar vein both DP and I have our own 'spots' on the (large) sofa - some people might find this odd but apart from the whole thing on an adult who's actually paid for the bloody furniture being allowed to sit where they prefer (shock horror) in my case I don't have very good eyesight, even with glasses, and am prone to migraine unless I sit where it's most comfortable for me to view the TV IYWIM and to be fair, if my stepkids are therefore in 'my' spot, DP will ask them to shift. So no problem there, except, I've known them now for well over a decade and it bugs me that they still have to be asked to make space almost every time - left to their own devices they'd remain sprawled all over both sofas leaving everyone else to sit on the floor whereas it seems absolutely obvious to me that if anyone comes into the room, even leaving aside particular seats, you make room automatically!

Interestingly, DP is very territorial about 'his' spot - more so than me, and has no qualms in ever asking our child, or my oldest (when they still lived here) to shift along - though they didn't need to be asked that often. However, when his kids are here, although he'll ask for me ('cos of the eye thing) he's very reluctant to ask them to move for him .... and I'm sure it's because he doesn't want to 'upset' them even though asking them to show a bit of basic courtesy doesn't fall into the realms of 'upsetting' anyone IMO. We have, though, had dreadful contact issues over the years and there's always this residual fear that they'll strop off again at the slightest excuse - hence you get ridiculous stuff like this which wouldn't even be an issue normally. It makes me cross that a grown man can sometimes end up on the floor because his kids won't budge up - so it tends to be me that asks them to move. But basically, it's the same sort of 'fear' driving all this as yours Always - this kind of ridiculous pussy-footing around children, and in most cases, it can usually be traced back to an inappropriate level of 'power' and 'control' effectively handed to kids because the NRP is scared of affecting contact and/or a 'difficult' ex who condones and encourages rude behaviour whilst at NRPs, as in 'you don't have to listen to them' etc., and who then goes off on one when they hear about very mundane and fairly applied discipline/rules because it's an opportunity to sh*t stir and cause more stress. That's certainly been the case in my family.

I think it's one of those things that isn't an issue if everything is tickety boo. If things aren't - and that sounds like the case here - then feeling aggrieved at not having your spot, or feeling you can't be authentic and just say budge up are symbolic of a greater issue. It can be the smallest issue that brings up the greatest reaction - and IME its helpful to look at what is behind the reaction and then deal with that.

I know detaching gets spoken if a lot on here .... to me that's what it means, ie dealing with your own emotions and what incidents bring up rather that it being about the child or the spot on the sofa, for example.

I wonder if the things had been going well and a few innocent remarks from the dsc has got their Mum's back up/made her feel insecure. Hence the DSC now subconsciously feeling the need to say negative things about you to keep their Mum happy.

Sadly many step children so feel the need to try and keep their Mum happy by complaining about the step-parent - often it's subconsciously as they sense their Mum/Dad isn't happy about them liking spending time with the other parent and their new parent.

Then there are of course some resident parents who are very bitter and will cause issues at great cost to their dc and others who accept their dc can love and like many people in their lives without feeling usurped or threatened.