scared to sit down...

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

...in my own home!! Well slight exaggeration but we have a massive couch. I always alwats sit at an end . Dsc have commandered the seats tonight. Dp on other seat.

Im actually scared to ask kids to move because the last time i did i got accused from their mum as treating them like dogs.
I nean i am the adult after all. O should get to sit wgere i please. I hate sitting in the middle. I fedl like a guest when i have to do that.

I know how petty this sounds but thats how ridiculous my life has become. Scared to sgift the kids incase it starts an arguement. WT actual F!!!

This happens in our house. I admit to being cowardly. I tried a few times but gave up in the end.

I felt it was more important to stop them lying all over the kitchen work tops staring at their phones while I cooked dinner. I chose my battles.

I never said the kids have no rights. But when i was wee you moved to let your mum or dad or adult sit down. You didnt have to be asked.

Kids do have rights and should feel at home in their own home but so should I.

Sorry if I cant be bothered with the back lash of asking the kids to move. The last time it kicked off because apparantly i spoke to them like dogs which id never do.

But its a horrible feeling not being able to ask the kids to budge up. And its even worse feeling like your bitching about your stepkids. No one can make me feel worse than i do about that. And yes its something silly but it all comes from multiple oncidents that i have let boil up. Just came here for a vent.

I bet all the posters saying you are being ridiculous wouldn't go round to a family members house parents/g,parents and take over their seat. And to say the kids were there first is also silly, where does that stop, op could say she was there that morning, or yesterday, or when the sofa was purchased. Reminds me of a Friends episode

It sounds like a horrible situation (the whole thing with the ex, rather than where you can sit on a sofa) and I'd be thinking very carefully about whether to continue the relationship. Your DP doesn't stick up for you, you're treated like crap in your own home and you're afraid to say anything to the kids in case it gets reported back to their mother? What's the point in being miserable?

i think that the only people allowed to post on step kid issue threads should be only people who have step kids. others just dont get it. i know exactly how you feel, op and it is just crap. i would ask your dp to get the kids to shove up my easier said than done, i know. you are damned if you do and damned if you dont, like most of the time as a step parent.

No it just means that the sat down presumably while there were spaces and op was doing something else.

should they just sit on the floor permanently just in case someone decides they are sat on an empty sofa in someone who's not sat down space?

Why would the kids sit on the floor when they could sit on another seat?

Just pretend that you are Sheldon Cooper! Stand in front of them and block their view to the TV and discuss it nicely until they move.
In future, leave something there to mark your territory - your knitting, a cardigan, a book.

How would it work OP if you were to walk into the room and say to them all "right, where do I sit?" Either they and your DP make sure there's a seat for you. Or they don't, which I think makes it sadly very clear what your role in the household is.

you need more seats in your house, or to stop dithering and worrying about your stepkids tattling and get a bit tougher.

Your house, your rules. If thats your seat, you tell them to either move out of it or budge up.

how old are they? are any of them young enough to be ask to go sit on/in your dps lap?

whenever DSD came to us, it was made quite clear that this was her home, but that the rules were different and she was still expected to abide by them.

Anything i say or do get twisted and reported back to mum. Then she starts arguing with dp because i have allegedly said this or that

Unfortunately, this is quite common. A lot of SM face this:

SM - did you have a good day at school?
DSC mum to ex a few days later - "school is nothing to do with SM. Tell her to stay out of it"

SM - "oh, look, DSC, a rainbow!"
DSC mum to ex a few days later - "SM shouldn't drag the DSC out in the rain"

SM - "I bet you're excited about your cub camp next week?"
DSC mum to ex a few days later - "I was up all night because of the nightmares DSC was having about cub camp"

You do get to the point where you tiptoe round your own house and can't "be yourself". It's bad enough that your DP is pissed off by his ex's nagging, but if (as is often the case) you know that the DSC are listening to their Mums complaints then you tend to come to the conclusion that the DSC are better off if you don't say anything at all.

Purple - i think i would be scared of the reaction.

Its just a bit of a crap place to be at the moment.

Thanks everyone for your suggestions. I need to talk to dp about the whole situation. That sgoukd be fun. Xx

I've had 'budge up' issues with my DS, so it's not just a step-family thing.

The issue here is the 'tale telling' and your DP's unhelpful attitude. I would struggle too in the relationship you describe. Do you get anything out if it?

I totally understand this OP. I know how ridiculous it is not to be able to say 'shift up that's my seat' to a 12 year old (or younger) but I still can't do it! In our house DP and I have defined seats but when DSDs are here my space on the sofa is usually being sprawled over by one of the DSDs... Inside I am a Sheldon and totally perturbed by it BUT I would sit on the floor rather than ask her to move (ignoring my inner-Sheldon) completely ridiculous - but that's how it is. Anything for an easy life - it's not mature, it's probably not good for DSDs but I can face the thought of the potential fall out!

So glad its not just me.

I love my dp so much and when its just us its great. But when kids come over its like it gets so tense between everyone. Its not fun.

It never used to be like this either so not sure whats went so wrong lately. Xx

On a practical note, one thing I did when I moved in was to negotiate a rearrangement of the furniture. It helped mark out the change in who's home out was now, and also provided somewhere to place a cup of tea next to a previously unpopular seat, which then claimed as mine.

But agree with you OP that the bigger issue you have is not feeling confident that your DP will back you up. I couldn't live in that situation.

I Did the cup of tea thing also. I said , can I sit here please so I can put my tea there....on the side table, so I had a reason for asking iykwim. Could you do that?

I'd just say budge up and sit on whoever didnt move make a joke out of it. Lighten the mood around the whole issue. Your DP or his ex might be shooting daggers but they dont get to dictate what mood YOU decide to create for yourself around the issue. If the kids start laughing with you about being sat on (mine think its a great game) then your DP is the only one with the issue and has no reason to take issue with it as the kids are happy.

You take control of how it happens and make a conscious effort to change the dynamic. Dont ask permission just do it. Kids laugh easily

Your house you have the right to sit where you like I think its about manners and respect no matter what back ground children have , dad has a knee doesn't he ? Why cant they sit on that lol . I can't help but feeling that because children come from broken homes that adults are using it as an excuse for poor form

always I went through this too in the early days of step motherhood. I am naturally territorial. I think a lot of people are. This doesn't mean my dsd's don't have rights, they are welcome to claim their own spots, which they have, just not mine. I'm like this about my desk at work too!
I really struggled to ask them to shift. I didn't want to cause problems. But having my own piece of 'territory' in a house taken over by teens was important to me. So I would take a deep breath and ask them to shift over. I got some grumbling in the beginning but they quickly caught on and now don't even think about sitting in my spot if I'm in the house. Of course this may have happened quicker in my house because they live with us and weren't treated as 'weekend' guests.
Decide where you want to pick your battles and stand your ground. Demand your DP back you up even if he doesn't understand. You must have a say in your own house or you'll be miserable.

So does he undermine you in front of them by bawling 'you're talking to MY kids like DOGS'

Or did he say this to you when they weren't within earshot?

I usually jist get glared at. Or he will say its fine i told them to do this or that.

If he had an issue soneyimes he will say infront of kids but if he needed to say anything he would nornally wait til kids were away.

To be honest it seems really silly over a bloody seat. I know. But i appreciate the advice you have all given.

I need to talk to dp. I think he needs to do the 'kids come sit with me' if they are in my spot. either that or ill be drinking copious amounts of tea to say shift up i need to put my tea down. Lol. Xx

This is ridiculous. Your DP should tell his DCs to make room for you to sit down.

Mine always has done at his house. No questions, no arguments, and his four are all teenagers. Now they move of their own accord when I come into the living room, and I say thank you.

The fact your DP doesn't do this is worrying.

It's not just tea that needs to be put somewhere you know OP. will do too.

I know how difficult this is for you.

It is horrid knowing that every thing you say is relayed back to their mother with a twist. I too have stopped saying anything in front of DSS. When my father died we made sure he did not know as I did not want him and his mother laughing as I knew they would. My dd asked dss why he told his mother everything that happened in our house, he told her that he did not tell him everything only the interesting stuff! Agh!

All I have to do is walk into the room and then my dss will go to another room. So don't have to ask him to move. I would probably say 'who is going to move for me?' then dh can move or he can get the kids to.

Good luck, step-parenting is very hard.