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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Was I in the wrong here??

43 replies

Whateverwhenever · 24/11/2014 16:23

Just wanted views on a argument I had with BF and if I was the one in the wrong! Thought posting here would give good views as many are mothers as well as step mothers.

My children only see there dad once a month for one day and one night (24 hours in total) and I may be totally unreasonable saying this but I love those 24 hours, no cooking, cleaning, entertaining kids etc.... That's my 24 hours to do as I please, go out if I wish, have a lie in and not worry or have to think as a mother for the day, that's only a total of 12 days per year and I love it I think the little day off makes me a better mum!

So my bf has a son and his ex wife changed his contact days back in the summer saying he can only have son one day a month overnight as she herself had her step son every weekend and wants her son there to and yep you guessed it it always falls on my weekend I'm child free! (Bf also had one weekday evening contact to)

Now I'm totally fine for my bf to have his son this weekend but have requested that he keeps him at his house for the day/night instead of always bringing him to mine as I don't want to spend my little tiny bit of my day off feeding/entertaining a child!

So this has been causing a few issues and bf refuses to ask his ex wife to change the weekend even every other month (which I suggested as a compromise) stating that his ex wife holds all the cards and it has to be on her terms!

So basically a huge fight broke out when my bf said I should Tell my ex that the current weekend arrangement doesn't work for me and that I want to change my weekend and as he refuses to pay maintenance he has no say in it and that if he doesn't agree then I stop the children seeing there dad altogether!

Now I wasn't happy with this at all, no my ex doesn't pay to support his kids, but things have been very hard especially the first 3 years after the spilt (think police etc) and it's taken along time to get to the stage we are now, regular contact and able to actually talk to each other at drop/collect etc.

So we had a huge fight about it and I have said I am not going to rock the boat with my ex and not let the kids see him if he doesn't change his weekend as it's not fair on the children and they are the only ones who will suffer and if he wants to see me on that weekend then it's down to him to sort it out with his ex and not expect me to use my kids as a porn!

We are currently not talking after slamming phones down, so was I right or and I being a bitch not taking his son into consideration?

OP posts:

Original poster

Whateverwhenever · 26/11/2014 23:56

Yes sadly he does have a key, I'm just going to tell him straight tomorrow that Saturday doesn't work for me! If he turns up Friday it will be to a dark empty house and no food! In fact I'm going to purposely not go shopping tomorrow (don't need to mine having macdonalds for tea Friday and bowl of cereal Saturday morning before they go to dads) and put it off till Sunday!

Think some of you are right he def needs a few weekends alone to deal with his own childcare, not really sure how he will cope

OP posts:

tribpot · 27/11/2014 00:01

It sounds like he might just turn up and order takeaways for the hell of it. If there's a way you can bolt the door so he can't get in, I would do it. But I think he knows you won't be able to make too much fuss later on on the Friday night when your own kids are there, and once in situ how do you force him and his son out without upsetting the boy?

ChippingInAutumnLover · 27/11/2014 00:04

How long have you been with this guy?

I think that tomorrow you should read this thread, as if someone else had written it.

This guy is walking all over you and you are taking it like a door mat. Why?? Please don't say 'because I love him'.

He'd be gone if it was down to me.

OwlCapone · 27/11/2014 07:15

the response I got was "oh well we will see what happens Saturday, what we feel like doing"

And the answer to that is "No, I already know what I feel like doing and that is enjoying my 24 hours with only myself to please."

Does your door have two locks and does he have both keys? I once changed the mortise lock and left the Yale one when my ex was being a twat so I knew I could lock it without him being able to get in if I needed to.

FunkyBoldRibena · 27/11/2014 07:41

You were nice and attempted a compromise; what did he do to compromise?

I take it he often looks after your kids?

What do you really want here? If it is a weekend on your own you are going to have to tell him not to come over.

purpleroses · 27/11/2014 08:23

Saying we'll see what happens isn't a good way to sort out the disagreement. Either he's got his head in the sand, or he's hoping he can walk all over you and just ignore your feelings.

Do you have any raucus, drunken child-free friends you could invite over to make it quite clear that you're not in Mum-mode?

Original poster

Whateverwhenever · 27/11/2014 09:48

funky No he doesn't look after my kids! Like I say he doesn't live with me, makes no financial contribution to my house and I only spend weekends with him due to work/life etc we also have no intention of living together!

It's not about me wanting a weekend on my own, it's about me not wanting to look after/feed/clean up after his son on my one and only 24 hours off a month

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 27/11/2014 10:08

I wouldn't want to do it, either! I think he's got a real bloody cheek telling you they're just going to turn up and expect food etc.

Tell him you'll see him the weekend after if you want, but I'd be telling him I didn't want to see him for quite a big longer than that.

FunkyBoldRibena · 27/11/2014 10:10

It's not about me wanting a weekend on my own, it's about me not wanting to look after/feed/clean up after his son on my one and only 24 hours off a month

Well, tell him, not us.

You are either going to have to have day on your own, or spend it with him and his son.

theworkofsatan · 27/11/2014 10:15

Just tell him to get stuffed! I cannot believe that you are letting him dictate what you are doing in your own house.

He is your boyfriend, not your boss. If he wants to see his DS on the one day a month that you do not have your own children then of course that is up to him. But surely he doesn't get to dictate what you do in your time?

If you lived together then the situation would be different but you don't live together so just tell him not to come over this weekend. End of.

I would probably change the locks if I thought he would just let himself into my house when I had told him not to come.

WannaBe · 27/11/2014 10:45

"No he doesn't look after my kids! Like I say he doesn't live with me, makes no financial contribution to my house and I only spend weekends with him due to work/life etc we also have no intention of living together!" Why are you with him? Seriously - he sounds like a bit of a user. What's in it for you?

ME and my dp only see each other on weekends due to work/life/distance, but....

We want to live together - we just don't because of circumstances atm

He would do anything for my ds including take time off to look after him if need be.

Your bf sounds as if he's in this relationship for himself - what about you?

tribpot · 27/11/2014 11:19

No he doesn't look after my kids! Like I say he doesn't live with me

But you're expected to look after his even though you don't live together.

I honestly would change the locks before tomorrow, if you really believe he respects you so little he would go against your express wishes with regard to your own home. I would consider what kind of relationship that seemed okay in as well.

theworkofsatan · 27/11/2014 11:36

It is really quite irrelevant who has their kids when and how long for and when they are with their respective ex-partners.

The simple facts are that OP and her BF do not live together. This is not a step family as such. Each party has their own children and houses. As far as the OP is concerned there is no intention to move in together.

As far as I can the OP's boyfriend wants to rock up at her house with his son, uninvited and also wants to be fed. He takes no account of the OP's plans, either with her own children, or what she would like to do on the one day a month that she gets some time to herself. Sounds like a man who likes everything his own way to me.

tribpot · 27/11/2014 12:10

Not just fed but have his son entertained for the weekend, all his clothes washed and ironed and a packed lunch made for Monday. Sheesh!

latorgator · 27/11/2014 12:46

OP, you gotta get tough, it's your home, not a crèche. I don't think you should be forces out to stop him coming in (and as he has a key he will still come in). If he's there when you get back home after telling him no I would be asking for the key back.

Original poster

Whateverwhenever · 27/11/2014 14:45

I'm going to make it clear tonight when I speak to him that I will not be seeing him this weekend and that I have plans of my own with a friend for my 24 hours of freedom!

I have made it 100% clear to him that I am more than happy for him to have his son on these weekends if he wants to and I do not expect him to change it on my account but I do not want to have to look after his son on this weekend!

OP posts:

latorgator · 27/11/2014 15:33

Good for you OP, don't budge on it, I wouldn't even compromise the Friday night! He can have his son come over to you any of the other three weekends. But not that one, and not because you have plans with friends (because you won't always) but because it's (and here's the bit he's not understanding) your child free weekend :) good luck op.

Cabrinha · 01/12/2014 20:25

So what happened?

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