WHY WHY WHY!!!

[NotQuiteReady]

please help me

been living with bf for couple of months

Dont understand why i have trouble accepting his 2 kids, ex wouldnt let them meet me until recently so i never realised how hard i would find it until too late.

ex is a nightmare altogether and i dont understand why she keeps trying to get my bf to visit the kids at her house while she is there - finding the time they spend together difficult to deal with. Plus she is on the phone nearly every day and not just about the kids, its about her social life, his social life, my money, his mom. . . the list goes on and on.

I am finding my place in all this hard to find and need someone to talk to as i dont know anyone personally that has had to deal with this!

Have similar sort of problem. Ex is always text messaging my DH. Really annoys me - also DH does not always tell me she has been texting me - probably because he knows it winds me up - so I find myself checking his phone - hate myself for doing it but just cannot help it. Text messages in the main seem to be nasty ones about me. I also have trouble 'bonding' with ms SD. Unfortunately she does not have much to say and most of the time she ignores me. Very hard. Tried talking to DH but to no avail. Good luck!

NotQuiteReady - I totally understand and sympathise. My dh has a 7 yo dd from his first marriage, and despite us taking it slowly with his dd when we first got together (I stayed out of the way for months so as not to unsettle her, and have since developed a really good relationship with her) his ex has always done her hardest to make things as difficult as possible for us.

She would phone for the most ridiculous of reasons, speak badly of me and my dh to her daughter, and generally do whatever she could to encourage their dd not to want to see her dad. As a result the poor child is completely messed up and completely scared of upsetting her mother by wanting to see her dad.

It does get easier, I promise, but it takes time. If you and your bf are serious and determined to make it work together then you will be fine, remember, he's not with her for a reason, and he wants to be with you. I put my dh's ex's behaviour down to jelousy and insecurity. She wanted to control the situation and the only means to do this was their dd as a weapon.

Any dad worth his salt will put up with a lot of crap from an ex in order to ensure that their child is not affected and that he continues to have a relationship with them. That's one of the hardest things to deal with - I would be furious at her behaviour and furious with him for not challenging it, but in time I learned to understand that he felt the need to try and keep things calm in order that his daughter was not suffering. Also, as sad as it sounds, dads have very little influence in these situations - something that a lot of their ex's are all to aware of.

Stick with it, always talk to your bf about how you are feeling, and do your best to understand things from his pov. It's tough, but don't let his ex become the focus in your relationship - he is with you!

God, just seen how long I've waffled on for - sorry!

Thanks its nice to be able to talk to people who understand!

My bf doesn't see why I should be bothered by what ex is doing and I must admit that since he has stopped telling me when she has phoned and text him I have checked his phone - its terrible i know. But more lately he has been deleting all his messages and call lists. Which makes me more worried - whats he got to hide?

As for the kids, I am normally so good with children, but they are just so naughty. Well not naughty but as soon as they walk through the door its want want want, they expect sweets and not just one packet - three or four each, they only stop one night.

They go through all my personal belongings without asking, and dont listen to me or bf when told no they just cry and shout because they are not getting their own way.

I've tried to talk to bf about this but he says he wants them to want to come and stay with us and they wont want to if he tells them off. All this makes for a very unpleasent time when they are with us and i dread the visits for days beforehand.

went thru same myself it gets better!!my hubbys 2 to ex girlfriend was thrust on me as soon as we moved in 3weeks before our wedding together.all weekend and 2/3times during week.the daughter went thru my stuff and ran around ransaking cupboard and refusing to eat anything i cooked.boy was total nightmare tantrums bad language and hitting but hubby did nothing for fear of upsetting them.had hell from ex too and thought what have i done! now though we have 2 of our own and we only see other kids on a sun rather than weekends and weekdays too.as they are older and rules have now been laid they are well behaved and we have no probs at all.(apart from ex occasionally but that wont ever change!!)you have to grit teeth awhile then start getting your hubby to see that turnin a blind eye doesnt work and he should just be how he would be if he were still living with them with rules and guidlines they get more respect that way.let him know how its upsetting you at first hel defend them but hel take it on board honest.dont tell ex about probs though as shel encourage it .

thanks, I really hope it does get better I really do. Its very hard at the moment to think that if I knew it was going to be this hard I would have run a mile at the beginning.

How did you get your partner to understand your point of view? Mine just gets annoyed when I say things and accuses me of trying to stop him seeing his kids.

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I know your right and I'm usually so much stronger than this, I have had a pig of a year and I have had no support from anyone, I've even considered packing up and leaving to start a new life somewhere else.

Do you think that maybe you're not ready for this relationship - or certainly not ready enough for all the rubbish that comes along with it? Sorry to seem harsh, but if your year has been so bad, it's hard to see how bf fits into it.

probably not, just v confused at moment

pick your moments and try not to sound critical but say it calmly say you like them around(even if you dont)but you dont like it when......and it needs to change if everyone is to be happy.it comes with time really it helped once we had our own children it shifts their loyalties abit.however they dont ever go away so you need to sit and think if you can accept them being in your life so you can be with him or get out now.when we were dating before we married and had kids i remeber getting home from work and not wanting to go home as i knew theyd be there but its much nicer now as they dont stay over.i have my space.