Children and cars (possibly trivial!)

[StepCatsmother]

Hi there,

I'm sorry if this sounds trivial, but I'd really appreciate your views.

I've been with my DP for 1 year, no kids of my own but he has two from a previous relationship, one is 6 the other is 9.

It's only recently (over the last 10 weeks) that I've been introduced to the children, starting as a couple of hours at the start or end of his contact time, the odd meal out all together etc. We then had a couple of full days out and the weekend just gone was the first time we've spent pretty much a whole weekend all together.

Generally it's going pretty well, the kids are very sweet, I like them and they seem to like me :)

One little thing is bugging me though and as I am conscious of my limited experience with children, I thought I'd see what others thought.

The 9 year old always wants to sit in the front of the car with dad. I have no problem with this as an occasional thing but he runs to the front door of the car every time we go to it and though he's been told by his dad to ask me first, he's usually already half way in or hovering at the front passenger door before the question gets asked. He also asks every single time we have to go anywhere in the car. It's becoming almost a 50:50 thing where on the journey out the child sits in the front, on the way back I do.

There's 2 things in this for me:

1. I feel that as an adult the default should be that I'm in the front and that whilst I don't mind being asked occasionally, I shouldn't be asked every time. I don't want to be in a position where as a new-ish person to them, I'm saying no to something frequently.

1. For longer journeys, the kids often sleep in the car, and I think it's daft for me to be trying to talk to DP from the back when I could be having a little bit of conversation with him more easily in the front. As I still find the whole days with the kids a bit intense, little opportunities to talk to him are important to me.

DP has said he'll speak to his son about this but I am not sure he thought I was being entirely reasonable! I did try to ask him if it had been him and his ex in the car would either of them have ever sat in the back for a child (as when I was little I was never allowed to sit in the front if M&D were both in the car, though I appreciate times may have changed!!) but he didn't really answer that.

Should I wind my neck in?

I had this too, when I started going out with my now DH, and his eldest was 10 at the time.

It is just the child exerting their authority, which is understandable, but you need to nip it in the bud, quick style. Safety aside, It's disrespectful to any adult. Would your OH let his DS sit in the front at the expense, of one of his parents, for example? I doubt it.

On the flip side of the coin, it's important that you let his DS feel important and involved in other areas of your day to day life, as you prob know.

I'm genuinely bewildered as to how a situation evolves in which a fairly young child ends up "sitting in the front" of a car as their default position - even if there isn't a second adult in the family to take that place.

I spent quite a few years as a single parent, and always sat DC1 in the front next to me - it prevented both DCs squabbling on the back seat, and allowed us a nice chance to chat. DC2, being younger, would often fall asleep on long journeys. I also found that after a bit of training, even by age of 8 or 9 he was quite useful at map reading. If I'm driving anywhere with just me and DC/DSC I still allow the eldest to sit in the front - we do it strictly on who's the oldest to prevent squabbles.

It is statistically safer for anyone to sit in the middle at the back - but that applies to adults too, and who puts their DP in the back if there's only two of you in the car?

But as I said above, I agree completely that when there's a second adult in the car, they should go in the front.

Nope, my kids go in the back, regardless. It's safer. I drive a lot on my own, and I wouldn't allow dc in the front, unless I had a carful of kids for whatever reason, then the biggest would go in front.

Adults can make their own decisions. If dp wanted to sit in back cos it's safer, up to him. But my kids are minors and therefore I know best where their safety is concerned.

My children always sat in the back even when only one of them but always made sure I had a four door car!