Step son jealous of new sister

[AngelBabyOct05]

Please please please help me!

Here's the background:

My partner and I don't live together but we have a 1 year old daughter. We are planning to move in and the kids know this and were fine.

He has two boys 13 and 15. The eldest lives with my partner as of 6 months ago his mum kicked him out after a row. The youngest lives with his mum still.

Suddenly the youngest has been attention seeking big time (more than he already does but that's another story!!) and being naughty at home/school etc and has told his Dad (my partner) that he feels pushed out and that he never has time anymore for him since our daughter was born. He says that me and my daughter have pushed him out.

The situation:

In order for my partner and I to live together, the youngest son will have to share his room when he stays every other weekend with his half sister (my daughter). It was his room before.

At the moment, my partner doesn't see me and my daughter on the weekends he has his son becuase his son wanted 1:1 time alone with Dad.

BTW, the youngest son maybe 13 but acts like a 10 year old and is emotionally immature for his age.

The problem:

I don't feel the best thing is to exclude our daughter and I from my partners life when his son stays as it only makes a big issue of a common situation.

Has anyone else had these issues and how did you explain to the child who feels pushed out that families grow and sometimes you have to share peoples time and your own personal space in a way that a child will understand.

I'm afraid I come from a no-nonsense family where my parents said things like "we love you, you're still special, but this is what's going to happen and as part of growing up you have to accept it."

To me, my partner lets his child dictate what happens with guilt trips and sulking behaviour to get his own way and he does get away with it(as I said, he is emotionally immature).

Of course any child will a bit pushed out in this situation and I understand that but how do you deal with it???

Please help, I can't go on living these separate lives. My daughter needs the security of a family unit, I want her Dad to be in her life everyday. I've done this alone for a year now and I can't wait to move in but until the issue with the youngest son is resloved my partner won't let us.

Angelbaby. x x

It is a difficult one isn't it?

You say you want your daughter to have the security of a family unit and her Dad to be in her life everyday.

I think that you will find that this is exactly what his son also wants! And he can't have it, yet she can. It is so unfair!

I think your DP is trying his best to run a situation that he sees as being fair for all his children. And I know it is an answer which makes things very difficult for you. But he does have responsibility for the happiness of all his children not just his daughter.

I think what is probably making it harder is that his elder brother is also living with his dad, so he is the only one in the extended family who doesn't live with his Dad full time. That must make him feel sad.

In effect, what you are saying is that your DD will have his bedroom and he will get to sleep in it when he visits - not quite the same in his mind as sharing. And a 13 yo sharing with a baby is a recipe for disaster at the best of times.

Can he not share with his brother when he comes to stay instead?

Its a tricky situation but I can see why your ss feels jealous and left out. Is there any reason why your daughter cannot share with you at 1 year old so you ss can have a room to himself?

I have a ds 13 who would be mortified at sharing his space, it is so important to him and his developing sense of identity to have that space. A 1 year old doesn't need it as much at the moment. I know it will be inconvenient to you but not massively. My dd stayed with me until 2 due to space limitations.

Angel it may help if I tell you how things work in my family. DH and I have DD nearly 4. DH has 2 DS nearly 8 & 10 from his first marriage. My eldest DSS is jealous of his sister, largely coz we have sky TV and he doesn't! But you have to see it through the child's eyes. When DD was little she was carried and sat on Daddy's knee this made DSS jealous also. I feel sorry for DSS that he has to share his dad so I took a view that he could still have time alone with his dad so alternative weekends DH is absent from marital home whole weekend and stays in a hotel with my DSS. It is not ideal for me or our DD, especially as DH travels extensively for work and often doesn't see DD mon- fri either coz of long commute, client entertainment etc. But DSS was being verbally abusive to DD I didn't think saying snap out of it would help as was worried jealousy would go underground.

Younger DSS on other hand is very loving with his half sister, but logistically we cannot have contact weekend with one son and not the other.

In terms of housing we were a bit like you- lack of space. So we sold our homes and now rent a house where each of the 3 kids has a room each. It is financially crippling but I hope in time in will help.

I suggest you to think carefully before you make a jealous child share a bedroom with his sister, I think red rag to a bull.

When I got together with my dh we sold both our houses and moved to a larger home. It was essential to us that the kids had their own space.

I have 2 kids and a sd we have no kids together. Sd lives with us 50% of the time and if we made her share she would feel as though it wasn't her home. She has her own room at her mums and had her own room at dads prior to us merging houses. It would have been wrong to penalise her because she isn't with us full time.

Yes we get jealous moments mailnly from the girls, but mostly they are the best of friends. I have worked my socks off to provide an unbiased loving sdtable home for all of my three kids and yes I do consider them all mine too.

It is really important to give each child time alone with each parent or both, basically away from the other siblings. I spend time alone with my sd and she is now closer to me than to her mum. Also dh spends time alone with her, I knew things were working well when she started asking for me to come too!

Good luck but remember if your dp moves in you become one family who all deserve love and attention equally.

Sorry, reading you replies I realise it seems I am going to make the 13 year old share with his baby sister. I didn't write my plea for advice very well did i!

The 13 year old will have his bedroom all to himself when he stays and our 1 yr old will share with us, but when he's not there, she will share the room space. Am I'm being too insensitive to my step sons needs?

How do you explain to a child the changes in family situations though and make them feel reassured still? It's so difficult.

Trouble is I feel I left out too becuase my partner travels a lot with work and only see's me during the week when he come to bath our daughter and doesn't stay long as I am living at my mum's and he doesn't like her.

To stay at his is a nightmare as there is no space so I rarely do. (We are going to extend the property you see for when we move in).

It's so hard to please everybody in these situations and I guess I will have to put my needs second to all the children's needs, our child and his.

Thanks for you replies, you have certainly made me think about my expections of a 13 year old and I think I have been quite selfish. It just gets hard sometimes bringing up a baby on your own and I long for my partner and I to live together soon.

Angelbaby. x

Angel I din't want to make you feel as though you were being selfish! Sorry if it sounded that way.

It is difficult and you do have to learn to juggle and unfortunately sometimes your own needs get put on the backburner but you have to plan time carefully to give you and dp time too!

Will your mum babysit your dd? Can you arrange to spend time together on the weekends you dont have ss with you? If you try really hard at the start it should get easier as time goes by hopefully.

Good look with the extension, that was an option for us then luckily a house came up for sale that was already done. We had a couple of months all squished into a samll 3 bedded house though.

You didn't make me feel selfish, it's ok. I guess becuase of the background I am from with my parents being quite strict and we always just did as we were told I suppose that's why I find all this a bit alien.

I have had such terrible rows with my partner about the situation. I feel so guilty for practically pulling him in these directions. No wonder he hasn't had much of a smile on his face lately.

Wish I had found this site sooner! Only saw a lady from Mumsnet on GMTV this morning or I would never have known about it.

I don't feel quite so on the outside now.

x

angel, my DH tried to explain to his DS that me and his DD were very important to him and that he loved us very much and it wud mean a lot to him if DS would also spend time with us all as a family. At the time he didn't want to come to us for Christmas but 3 months later he happily came for Christmas. TBH I think DH wasted his time as children by their very nature want the world to revolve around them, they are selfish.

Living with a DH/DP isn't always in reality that great. My DH has been home once in past 3 months to bath his DD. We both work full time btw. I would get more help from my mum & MIL if I shared a house with them than I do from DH! I too feel lonely, am about to embark on 7 nights alone as DH visiting DSS this weekend then visiting 3 countries next week for work. In 4 months we have both been in same home for entire weekend 3 times! This for me is the reality of marrying someone with a full on international career and 2 kids from a previous relationship. But I love the man and he is a caring father.