Is this normal?

[FeelTheNoise]

Please don't flame me, I get enough flamings in RL!

DSD is 11. She is understandably very insecure after a difficult few years.

DSD is very competitive for DPs attention. She competes with me constantly. On friday, DP had put fake blood on his face, before it dried he jokingly asked for a kiss. I laughed and refused, and DSD charged into the room, announcing that she would kiss him, which she did. DSD is physically quite possessive, and when I get home from work, she will run to DP, fling her arms around him and stick to him like glue until bedtime.

If I get up from my seat, DSD will jump into it. I know it's not personal, but I do feel awkward at times. I often, like now, just sit in my room because the atmosphere is stifling.

If DP and I have a conversation DSD will repeat he conversation, repeating everything DP has said.

I know DSD needs reassurance, but how? Is this the right way? Does this reassurance need to feel so awkward?

unfortunately it is quite common. dss used to be like it with dp when I first came in the scene but he has grown out of it. that said I have read it a lot on here and it would appear that girls are slower to grow out of it and in some cases never do.

what does your dp say/think? any rebuff of her behaviour needs to come entirely from him and never from you ime.

hopefully once she learns that yiu aren't a threat she will calm down but I would definitely have a strong conversation with your dp

Can you engineer some time alone with her, maybe DP gets called away in an impromptu way and you are left alone with her, take her ice-skating and ice cream, or something really good - I just think if she sees more of an upside to having you around, she may resent you less.

How long have you and DH been together? Are you, or were you close to DSD before she started this behaviour?

My DSD went through this phase which started when I had dd1, when DSD was 10. I think it was a coincidence that it started when dd1 was born, I think she would have went through it anyway. She became possessive of DH especially if he and I showed each other affection, and I'd been with her dad since she was 2. We did remain close (DSD and myself) as we had previously. She didn't really grow out of the behaviour until she got a long term boyfriend when she was 18. Although it seemed to go in peaks and troughs during her teenage years. If she had a busy social life she was bothered about DH and seemed to come to me all the time when she needed something. When she wasn't busy she regressed into that little girl lost that wanted some daddy attention. Thankfully it hasn't followed her into adulthood and at 22 she has a healthy relationship with both me and DH.

The way we dealt with it was to try and figure out the underlying reason for her wanting more attention than usual. It seemed to to be triggered by her starting puberty at 10. Has your DSD started her periods yet? Is she showing signs that she might? Then as she got older there were other reasons, she was never actually jealous of me being with DH as she'd never known any different, her parents split when she was still a baby. We tried to deal with the underlying reasons for her attention seeking whilst at the same time giving her reassurance from both DH and myself that she was loved (as equally as her sisters). Giving her hugs and kisses, maybe spending some one on one time with her (both of us) until it passed. But not giving in to the little tantrums and calling her on it if she was disrespectful or cheeky.

I think in families were parents are still together that children don't necessarily feel the need to seek out the love and affection of one parent. But in step-families children can sometimes feel insecure and need that extra bit of attention and reassurance to help them through.

What are the living arrangements?

We live separately.

Thank you for the insight, I've got boys so all this affection at age 11 is very new to me! As is all the drama

DSD needs so much reassurance, it isn't easy.

DP and I have been together for a couple of years now, and DP has been a single parent for a year and a bit. DSD had a horrible time with her mum and was thrown out of home, which is why she is constantly desperate to prove how much she loves and needs her dad

I think you have just answered your own question to be honest! of she has been thrown out by her mum then she is going to be terrified of being rejected by her dad hence the clinging to him.

you need her to see that you are not a threat to her relationship with him and that actually you are a good addition to her life.

as has been suggested I would make sure you can create some girls only time, maybe pinch her dad's credit card and take her clothes shopping and have a nice lunch out maybe? or a girly cinema trip.

that said your dp does also need to make her aware that her behaviour won't be tolerated, I can understand why he is cautious but in the long run boundaries show kids that we care

We do a lot together, she does need and expect to be entertained a lot of the time, which again is understandable. I don't spend lots on her because her dad and his family really do, and in truth she has more in a material sense than anyone else! There is the issue that I am mindful that I can't give more than I give to my own it's like walking through a minefield at times

is it just the two of you though or as a "family"?

I would expect if it's as a family and your kids are there also it must feel like a real kick in the teeth if she is feeling rejected by her own mum to then see other kids with a supportive mum - not that that is in any way your fault!!

could you suggest some personal and possibly even family counselling to your dp as that might have an impact top

also has he spoken to her school? do they have any concerns about her behaviour?

A friend of mine had this problem. She started enlisting her DSD's help in doing things together 'for your dad'. They'd bake a cake for him together, go shop for necessaries (socks, razors, whatever) for him together, do a craft project for him together. Then she'd make sure that whatever they did, she let DSD 'present' it to him as 'from them' together. Her point being to make DSD understand that she was not a 'rival' for her father's affection, that they were, together, a 'team' for Daddy. Her DH always made sure to thank them both. It worked pretty well.

I'm afraid it never really goes away, unless you're very lucky with your DSD. Mine, (very much grown now) continually tried to establish her dominance over any rights I had to hold DH's hand, to sit next to him at dinner, to walk arm in arm etc!....and just as it got less intrusive, (or maybe it was when I disengaged) along comes DSG becoming a teen, and the whole process starts again!! It's a constant battle, and very wearying!

That so reminds me of myself at that age. My step-mother felt exactly as you did.

As you say, it's a sign of insecurity. If you want to hear it from the other side, I acted like that because I really really missed my dad. My mum was fine, but not very affectionate. My dad was the 'cuddly' parent and so I sought this from him.

I didn't get along with my SM. I felt she was very controlling and wanted to change me to be the child that suited her. I wasn't that child so always felt very anxious around her. For instance, she was overly keen on good manners and I always felt watched and judged at lunch time, how i held my knife and fork etc... The thing that made me resent her was that neither my mum or dad cared about this, so I didn't know why I had to adapt my ways to suit her.

I can absolutely say that the way I acted towards my dad wasn't in any way to spite her, it was to gain my dad's attention which I craved. She was very reluctant for us to have time alone and that probably contributed to it. I needed time to talk to my dad, about my life at my mums, my school etc... I couldn't have talked to her too, but I didn't feel comfortable doing so because I felt I would have got the response, ie. reassurance I was looking for which I knew my dad would give me.

On the positive side, I of course grew out of it and 30 years on, my SM and I are very close. Ironically, I now email her more than I email my dad (we live far away so only see each other twice a year).

You say that she competes for your husband's attention. She can only compete if you are in the competition. You are still new in your relationship, so can understand that you too need to find your place in your partner's heart. Give it time and continue to show understanding and compassion for her and it will all get better.

My DSD is very much like this, but I realised quite early on that she just misses her Dad. We only get to see her on weekends, and she loves / admires DH so much that she naturally wants to be close to him.

We've never pulled her up about it, and only mentioned it to DH in passing. He's very aware, and can feel awkward in that particular spotlight, but I actively encourage them to spend more time together. At the end of the day, she is his daughter - that's a lifelong bond that should not be challenged.

But what happened after I made my peace? DSD started being just as cwtchy and lovely with me! I recently lost my Grandmother, and DSD was so upset that I was hurting that she followed me around, randomly showering me with hugs and kisses (she's 13).

The minute its no longer about you and DP, but about him and DSD things get so much easier.