what to do...

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

Things have been quite hard the past few weeks as DSC are starting to come into their own and are becoming cheeky little people with no end of backchat. (We think they get away with it at their mums). So im trying to remember they are not my kids and dp will do as he sees fit by way of discipline. But sometimes I do get involved as its my house too and i expect respect.

Anyway thats just a kid thing and i accept its part of them growing up.

my real issue is dp has just dropped off something at their mums and seen the state of the house. He says its worse than what you see on tv and the kids were sitting wrapped up in blankets like little hobos. Mum still in her bed.

Their mun works part tome while kida are at school and we have the kids 3 nivhts through the week and every other weekend.

When the kids come over they smell like they havent washed Or are wearing dirty clothes(have seen where their cat has peed on the clothes and they get sent to us regardless)

I feel so bad for the kids. Its a disgusting way to live. Dp says heir mum has always been a slob but i hate the thought of the kids living in such a pit. There is no need. I know its hard keeping a house clean and tidy when you work/ or a single parent but she gets time off at nights and every other weekend.

Yes it could be an off day for her and she hasnt got round to it but it seems to be like that all the time.

its not our weekend for the kids but dp is bringig them both over later for the football and keeping them over night. (this bothers me as i dont have kids and want to spend time with dp as we have had no tine this week and are both busy this weekend and only have nights free but at same time i dont want thr kids in that pit of a house. So having to suck it up )

I just dont know what to do about the kids. I want whats best for them and right now i think they woukd have a better quality of life with us. but i know they love being at their mums. They have a better relationship with her than with us.

Not here for a roasting so any useful advice would be appreciated.

It sounds like she's probably struggling. From my experience most people don't want to live in a dirty messy house, it's often a sign that they aren't coping or maybe depressed.

My Mum's house was always dirty (or not clean to most people's standards) but I was always cared for well, I was not at risk and although the house was dirty I had a happy, loving upbringing and she did a pretty good job.
So just because a house isn't as clean as most people think it's acceptable it doesn't mean that the children living their are neglected or at risk.
A house could be immaculate but the children are never allowed to play, make a mess or have any fun.

Tbh I'm not sure there is anything you can do about it.

Maybe your DP could speak to her and see if there's anything he can do to help her get the house sorted?

Maybe it was just a bit of an off day? There are days when my house looks like a bomb has hit it. I don't see that the kids being wrapped in blankets is a bad thing? We love snuggling up under a blanket, it doesn't make us poor or dirty, we just find it cosy.

Im only goung by what dp said and how they looked. And i agree that dirty/ untidy house doesnt qualify neglect. Its just a shame they have to live in it. god my house looks like a bombs hit it more often than not but its always clean. It might be a mess but underneath is clean.

From what i can gather her house is never either. its unvlean and a mess constantly.

Maybe im just slightly ocd with this kind of stuff.Which is possible. Thanks for replying xx

They are sent to you wearing clothes that have cat pee on? I would be ringing the NSPCC for advice in that situation, no questions.

What do you mean, 'slightly OCD'? You either are or you aren't.

Oh and they don't love 'being at their mum's'. They love their mum and they love being at home.

If the children's father has welfare concerns he needs to intervene in an appropriate way.

Another vote for the 'offer to help' brigade.

But only with the kids, not with cleaning her house.

You haven't mentioned they are unclean as such, no head lice, greasy hair, dirty fingernails etc so it could just be a question of clothing. And kids being kids they will tend to put on the same thing day after day come what may. Or that they're hungry.

So seems a distance away from a crisis just yet. You haven't suggested there's a back story?

There is every chance though that she isn't keeping up with laundry and bath time routine etc. Getting three kids out of the house in the morning to school, working through the school day and then picking them up after school must be pretty exhausting.

Coud you offer to have them more ? Maybe an evening during the week for tea would be useful.

Could you send them home one weekend with some new clothes and suggest they bring them back next time they come? You may end up with dirty washing comnig with them but at least you'll send them home with a few days of clean stuff.

What ever you do it's for DP to agree with the kids mum. You haven't really hinted at the state of their relationship, whether she'd appreciate an offer of help or refuse it etc. so it's really a case of doing what you can.

Sounds like mum's not doing well and may be very low in mood. Can you offer help?

I have been woth dp 3yrs and never met her properly. She doesnt wamt to. Which makes a lot of stuff awkward but thats another story.

She works part time. We have kids 3 nights thru the week as it is and every other weekend.

Any new clothes we buy disappear never to be seen again.

We have an issue where dsd isnt cleaning down below and have tried to raise with her and her mum but i got shot down. Only trying to help. Maybe it camw across as interfering.

I just wish if she wasnt coping she would speak to my dp about it as ultimately the kids suffer.

It really is up to dp to have a word if he is concerned.

Xx

How old are the DC?

Sounds a tricky situation to be in

How old are the dc?

They are 10 and 8. X

Could you perhaps give some little jobs at home (or your dp) get them to put on the Washer etc then they know how to do it and they coukd help her a bit. At 10 and 8 they should be capable of this
If your dp is concerned he needs to speak to their mum. Or is he just picking at her?

I think he might be picking at her but i really dont know. When i see / smell the kids and their clothes i wonder whats going on. We have tried taking the kids shopping for clothes so they can pick what they want but even then they will only wear what mum sends over and they grow out our stuff and it goes in charity bag.

I asked dss what they got up to at weekend and he said cleaning so im thinking the state of the house was a one off. But dp says its always like that.

Did they separate on bad terms? Has he always been a big disapproving?

From what i can gather it was fairly mutual. And they get on ok for the most part.

She seems to be quite volatile and always tries to get an arguement out him for something. Hence why he doesnt really want to speak to ger about state of house/ kids clothes etc. Xx

Yes I can understand that
However if he has genuine concerns he needs to speak to her or get advice from elsewhere