Looking for a bit of advice

[SummerMelody]

I'm just looking for a bit of advice really. I've posted on here before and have always found everyone to be very supportive and helpful, so I sort of feel like I can be honest on here and say things that I would usually say.

DSS (7) is with us for the half term. DP and I are both off work for the week (I'm a teacher so it's half term for me, he's booked the week off as holidays).

I get on with DSS very well, and he seems to enjoy spending time with me. However, I'm a bit apprehensive about the coming week. I'll try to explain why, but I hope I don't sound horrible or petty. Some things just sound really small, but I do find it hard sometimes.

I find it hard when -

I feel like I'm not getting enough time to myself. The house becomes very loud when he's here which I'm not used to.

DSS's behaviour sometimes. He will sometimes throw a tantrum if he doesn't get his own way. He is often treated a bit young by his nan (DPs mum) and sometimes DP, although he is working on it, which I think encourages this. For example, he'll demand that DP dresses him. DP will ask him to get dressed and he will shout 'no youuuuuu' until DP gives in. This really upsets DP but I feel like I would offend him if I tried to advise.

He will say 'I want this (sweets/toys etc) in the shops as though he expects to get them. Often he does. This sound really petty but it does annoy me sometimes. His nan will always buy him anything he asks for, so I think he now expects it.

This one sounds terrible, but hygiene. I admit that I am very oversensitive to this kind of thing, and I know it's just kids being kids. But things like picking his nose and wiping it on his clothes/the seat of the car etc., not flushing the toilet, not washing his hands, makes me feel really ill. It shouldn't, that is wrong of me I'm sure.

Being woken up early, even though DP doesn't expect me to get up. DSS will come in the room and say 'when are you getting up?' To DP until DP eventually gets up, at which point I'm feeling a bit irritable and can't get back to sleep.

It all sounds petty I know. DP is lovely and an amazing dad. I just find some things hard when DSS is here for a week. I love having my own space and some quiet time, especially during the holidays. I just feel as though the house is completely taken over but I can't say anything because I don't want DP to think I have anything personal against his DS, who I do like.

Any advice would be appreciated. Sorry if I sound petty and awful.

That should say, 'say things that I wouldn't usually say'.

Can u book yourself a few days stay at a hotel maybe?

your feelings are perfectly normal though!

He sounds like the average seven year old.

I second the hotel though. It's fine when they're you're own but it can be hard to take from other peoples children.

I suppose it all depends on what you see in the future? Do you want to take a more active role with him?

I know how you feel about all of those things, don't worry, it's perfectly normal in my house Fwiw, I also feel the same when it's my own DCs - I get used to the quiet when they're at school and then when they're here all day it can be a bit overwhelming.

Similarly the hygiene thing, my boys are terrible at flushing the loo and DD is always putting her hands on my face in a loving way, but when they feel a bit sticky it makes me wonder when was the last time she washed them! I love her to bits, but I still don't want her slobbering on me, her bogies on the chairs or her wee on the toilet seat!

I agree you should have a couple of days peace, but frame it as giving your dp time with his DS on his own. I'm sure his DS will appreciate a bit of time with his dad alone and you can have a lovely lie-in and pamper yourself for a couple of days.

I don't agree that children are naturally disgusting. My kids weren't perfect but they always flushed the loo and there was never anything disgusting anywhere.

Can you arrange to go on a visit somewhere, OP? It would be nice for them to spend time together - keep saying that to yourself!

a wee thing that helped me was asking DP to get up as soon as SS was up. We had a similar situation and like you, by the time he got up I was too wound up to get back to sleep anyway and SS probably felt fobbed off or left out so was also a bit grumpy. I usually get a cup of tea brought through and sometimes read for a while before I join them in the living room.

You could also arrange some coffees with friends or just by yourself with a book so you get some peace and time out (a hotel seems extreme to me but is obviously an option if it's right for you)
Also find a few activities for them to do so you get time alone at home. Even if it's just a film your not interested in seeing that gives them something to do for a few hours.

I think you should probably talk to your DP about at least some of the things that are bothering you about DSS. Otherwise you're going to get more and more annoyed by them. Could you set a clear time before which DSS is not allowed to come to knock on your door (unless something's wrong obviously) but after that time as soon as he does your DP gets up with him to let you have s bit more of a lot in? DSS should be being taught clearly to flush toilets and not pick his nose in public, though don't expect instant results.

And reward the good behaviour when it happens. Eg if he gets himself dressed or doesn't whine for sweets when you're out then give him a little treat.

As a step parent I find it a lot easier to deal with my DSC's shortcomings if I feel that DH is aware of the issue and is trying to address it, or we're trying together. Taking yourself off away for part of the week isn't necessarily a bad idea but it won't really fix the things that are bothering you in itself.

Sorry that should read a bit more of a lie in

I agree with purple's advice.

Speak to your DP and perhaps start with one or maybe two things that bug you the most and try to tune out the rest for a while (hard, I know, but it will help your sanity in the long run).

FWIW, when DSD was 7 she didn't tantrum and was pretty good at entertaining herself first thing rather than wake us up so I don't think you are being unreasonable in your expectations on these, although of course it will take time for things to change. Turning the behaviour around will really depend on support from your DP (and also GPs if possible).

On the hygiene front though, it's still a huge ongoing battle to get DSD to wash her hands and this is my number one bugbear, simply because it's really yucky and exposes everyone to unnecessary germs. It's compounded by the fact that she lies about it but thankfully DH is now wise to this and makes her go back and 'try again' each time so hopefully she will get the message that it's easier just to wash them the first time.

I also get what you mean about having your own space and you shouldn't feel bad about that. I sometimes do this by disappearing into the kitchen to cook us all a really nice dinner or cake but it's not bad thing if you want/need to disappear for a day or a night or two. And as you say, 1:1 time is really important for parents and their DCs.

It's tough isn't it?! I had exactly the same situation with DSD waking up on a Saturday morning at 6am. It took a big falling out with DP who told me that it was obvious how annoying I found DSD to solve things. I had to patiently explain that I found her delightful (and I genuinely do, she's fab and makes me laugh like no-one else) but the way he parents her is really frustrating for me. It sounds obvious, but I've had to ram the message home several times that when she stays over on a Saturday night and then wakes up at 7am he has to get up with her and stay up with her. He doesn't see the harm in getting her sorted with her programmes and duvet on the sofa and then getting back into bed with me, but 20 minutes later she'll be bored and hungry and wanting her breakfast and it really bugs me that I get disturbed when she comes clattering in again demanding her weetabix!

The way I always phrase it to him (and this may sound really harsh, I'm not a mum myself so apologies if this comes across badly) is that he made the decision to have a child before he met me and therefore he has to own that decision himself. That means he can't sneak off for a nap when he gets sleepy, or ignore DSD when she gets stroppy, or expect me to entertain her when she's bored, often as a result of his reluctance to 'do stuff' when she's here.

So as a summary to my ramblings, he needs to parent and you need to be there as a fun other person to enjoy days out etc. It is your home too and he needs to be aware of your unhappiness. Detaching is difficult but so helpful and will help your DP realise how amazing it is to have you on board and helping out.

A week is a long time to have a little person in your home who doesn't belong to you, however lovely they may be, so cut yourself some slack, it's not easy! Xx