I can't do anything about this, can I?

[chocoraisin]

Just really needing confirmation that I can't do anything, even though I am worried. My DS1 (4) just told me his dad (XH) has given him a new booster seat for the car, with no back - the kind suitable for much older children, and put DS2 (2 and very small) into his old seat, the kind from age 4 upwards with a seatbelt across his tummy not a 5pt harness. He's swapped them so his new baby, due any day, can have DS2's old car seat, one of the birth-4 seats. I hate knowing that the DC are going to be travelling long journeys (over an hour) in seats that aren't the right size/safe for them.

I can't do anything about it though, can I? His time, his choice :(

Kids are with him e.o.w and spend at least 2 hours in his car each weekend.

I'm posting here not Lone Parents because I really want to know what SP's think, can I/should I ask him to get proper seats? Or would that be seen as an interfering XW thing? I wouldn't let them travel in anyone elses car without proper car seats though, so it's not like I'm singling him out or anything :(

If your ds is right then your ex really never does stop being a twat does he! I guess the first thing to do would be to ask him, do you think he would tell the truth?

I would have to say something. Some men are a bit bloody clueless about this type of thing. And if his choices mean the kids are in danger, i would have to open my trap lol.

It also sounds like he's trying to save money, which i understand, but not to the detriment of the safety of his older children.
I'm a mum and was a sm, i would not have let p put the older children into unsuitable seats, in fact he tried to put them onto simple boosters long before they should have been and i had a kitten about it.

Is there any way you could find some second hand ones that haven't been in any accidents, on ebay, or facebook selling pages?
Tell him he could keep the others for the future, but at the moment they're unsuitable, and send him the links for the ones you find. I know it means legwork for you, sorry, tell him to look as well obviously.

Oh is there some sort of backstory i have missed? Typical

This would be a non-negotiable issue for me. No proper car seat, then not getting in the car.

It just isn't safe.

If there really wasn't enough room in the car for a full hbb for ds1 (and I mean really - there are so e quite slim hbb available) then I would possibly rationalise it as it being the safest solution all round for all children (if changing the car was out of the question), but I still wouldn't be happy with it.

But no way re: the situation with your ds2. He is too small (from the sound of it) to be sitting with just an adult seatbelt, and too young. He should be an absolute minimum of 15kg, and preferably 18kg before relying on the adult belt, as otherwise you cannot guarantee it will work effectively.

I wouldn't care that I was seen as interfering - too right I would interfere, where the safety of my childrne were concerned.

I'd bring it up, the worry about how it goes is nothing compared to the regret you would feel if something happened and you had kept out of it.
I obviously know nothing about your relationship or your ex but i would think he would want them to be safe too! He might be unaware of the recommendations or he might even have been given some misguided advice.
If it's a money worry do you have suitable seats that they could take with them and bring back at drop off?

Firstly double check your DSC's weights, some children at 4 are big enough for a booster without a back, I think the weight required is about 3st 4.
By the sounds of it your 2 year old definitely isn't big enough for a booster with a back.

Get the facts and figures and then go to your ex and ask him if what your DS is saying is correct. 4 yo's aren't the most reliable sources of information.

If he is putting them in seats that they aren't big enough for then definitely say something. 1) you need to know your children are safe 2) he is breaking the law

He has probably just been misinformed, tbh I find the guidelines very confusing and unclear.

I'd offer to let him use your seats if necessary. DS's dad doesn't have his own seat for him, he takes mine.

Sending my seats might be an option, but I doubt XH would take them as he would see it as interfering. I will ask him but I don't think he'd even respond if I do, he refuses to talk face to face and only emails (won't answer phone to me). This is not because I've ever been rude or harrassed him, he was abusive in our relationship (long backstory) and it's one way he still likes to control things, by cutting off any communication re: the DC.

I'm thinking of mentioning it to his mum, but think that might just put her in the firing line. No chance of approaching his wife - she won't have anything to do with me (was OW) and as she's 8.5 months pregnant now I have no intention of starting any kind of conversation that could be interpreted as intentionally upsetting her.

It's good to know I'm not the only one who would be upset about it though, I've seriously considered not allowing them to go with him, but didn't know if I would be seen as a nutty ex if I did that. I want them to see him, just not if they are unsafe. My DP had crap car seats for his DC and I made him replace them within a week of me seeing them, he was clueless and skint but I just don't think it's ok at all and would have the same issue with anyone who uses unsuitable ones!

Do you know anyone with children who've outgrown the right-sized seats recently, who could give you there old ones? Saying to your ex that your friend mentioned they were getting rid of some and asked if you wanted them yourself - and you kindly thought of your ex - might go down better than telling him you've gone out and bought new ones because you're so unhappy with his choices.

Though from my understanding it's not illegal to have a 4 year old in a booster seat. There's sometimes a difference between what's ideally recommended for each age group, and what's OK and perfectly legal. I think a booster seat with no back comes into that catagory for a 4 year old, and I think it's not compulsory to have a 2 year old in a birth-to-four seat - they can go in the next catagory up, even if not as ideal. So if it's legal but not ideal, it might be a hard battle to fight.

Put your foot down. I even argued with my DH about our child's seat and we're not divorced! I forced us to get one of the fancy backwards-facing ones.

I find as long as you pay for something nobody minds you changing it (incl. getting a second hand one)!!

I've emailed him saying that he is very welcome to use the ones I have, that I've loaned them to gp's and friends because I don't see any reason for anyone to have to buy double sets when there are perfectly good, well fitted ones available. It's not personal I just feel very strongly that the kids need to be in the best seats for their age/weight.

Suspect I'll be ignored :(

Some parts of separated parenting are just utterly SHIT. I see both sides of it, knowing DP can't afford all the fancy stuff for his DC and I don't expect XH to cover double sets of everything but I do expect him to keep them safe. Makes me want to weep in frustration when he chooses stuff like this to stonewall me on.

It sounds shit. Together parenting is hard enough! You have my sympathies.

I think car safety is non negotiable and I salute your stance.

P.s. Maybe aspects of having a slightly slapdash ex will come into play when the kids get older, if he doesn't quite care about things as much.

16th birthday party? At dad's house.
Learning to drive? Dad's car.

Etc.

I would do as a previous poster suggested and check your kids weights against the current car seat regs. if they meet them then say nothing, however, if they don't then I afraid that I would be banning him from driving with the kids until they have the appropriate car seats. as with others car seat legality is non negotiable imo

I am a step mum and I wouldn't allow dp to drive my dsc or our dd without the correct car seats! dsd is 132cm and no longer uses a car seat in her mum's car but she has a booster in mine and she knows she uses it or goes no where

I wouldn't let my children go anywhere without the correct car seats for their age and I wouldn't expect DH's ex wife to allow him to take them without the correct car seats either.

In fact he went once and when he arrived he realised he'd got my sons car seat instead of his so he went to Argos and bought one just for that one journey!

If you are positive the seats are incorrect, I'd refuse to let the children go. What's he going to do, call the police? Here children must be in an appropriate approved child seat or you can be ticketed & fined. Happened to BFF when her ex showed up with NO car seat. He actually physically took the child and drove off. She called the police with his car tags and likely route. She got a call about 15 minutes later to come pick the child up where they'd pulled him over.

I suggest, if he behaves like an arse, that you call your local police station and ask them if you are required to let the children go with him (even if it's a court ordered access) if he doesn't have proper seats. And can you call them to back you up if he insists.

Definitely refuse to let them use the wrong seats - esp ds2. A child that young and small must still have a 5 point harness. My exh mentioned the other day about moving dd (almost 3) into one of those seats - my response was no way! Your ds1 should be fine on the smaller booster if it's because they can't fit all 3 seats across the back, but no way move ds2 into a bigger seat yet.

Hi chocoraisin,

I totally agree with everyone saying don't let your ex take them in the car if they are not in the correct seats. You're quite right to stand your ground. His attitude is really poor. There must be something in the water because there is a similar case in AIBU right now.

Also, I hope you don't mind me saying but I think it's really cool that you posted on this board. As a stepmother (and mother) I have sometimes wanted to post on the lone parents board to try to get the perspective of my DSD's mother but was not sure whether it would be a good idea. You may have broken the ice here and started a new trend, which an only be a good thing if it helps the children involved. So, thank you.