Anyone else sticking to rigid access weekends when the kids are actually adults?

[FoamingAtOnesMouth]

Not a moan as such but when I signed up for this whole "step parent thing" I kind of assumed that the days of EVERY weekend being dedicated to the kids wouldn't last for ever. My kids are pretty independent now and with my kids we can go out and leave them home alone whenever we want really. This would be great if it could happen on a weekend when we're not both knackered from work however his kids, now approaching their 20s are STILL sticking with rigid access weekends and it means we can never do anything on a weekend as all of his attention is on "entertaining the kids" (who, to be fair at their ages should be with their mates on a saturday night, surely?!).

It's starting to grate on me a bit that every saturday night is spent "entertaining" these boys/men.

I've suggested more relaxed access, where they come and go as they please whiich frees weekend up a bit for everyone but DP is insistant that he should maintain pickup at 5pm EVERY saturday and drop off at 5pm EVERY sunday. I feel sorry for the lads too - do they never have anything better to do than spend EVERY saturday night watching movies with dad?

Anyone else in a similar situation?

Seems bizarre to me. This seem ridiculous to suggest this at their age but what about alternate Fri/Sat?

He did recently agree to change it to Friday every now and again but doesn't want to make a habit of it incase it upsets the ex

Is there still something legal in place for this? Surely at that age they should be doing their own thing as you say.

How ridiculous. I don't see how it would "upset" the ex in any case because surely she wouldn't be stuck in the house - for example - "babysitting" them even if they were to stay at hers, or, if she wanted the house to herself as you say most late teens would be more than capable of making themselves scarce for a while, and in fact would probably be happy to do so.

I do appreciate that not every teen has a rip-roaring social life but to never organise something for themselves - be it hanging out with mates, going to the cinema, listening to a pub band or whatever - is pretty strange. I take it neither has a girlfriend then ? .... sounds as if perhaps they're both "scared" of upsetting at least one parent if not both - assuming their mum has insisted they must be out of the house for 24 hours every week, or possibly also because they believe - due to him otherwise not attempting to introduce a more relaxed pattern of contact - that their dad must really want to see them.

I think it's very unfair on you that you're so restricted by these arrangements. TBH I'd be thinking so what if the ex is "upset" - she'd have no right to be. If these "kidults" are now legally adults it's up to them when and for how long they see their dad, notwithstanding them showing some consideration towards her if she wants a bit of space occasionally.

I don't think at this age it should be called contact or access now anyway ..... when adults get together it's just called socialising surely ? And now they're adults, I personally don't think it's right that this absolutely rigid thing should be something that your DP gets to call with your feelings dismissed ..... IMO it'd be just as ridiculous as him insisting that he invited a particular friend round to yours at the same time every week and nothing was allowed to disrupt that. I mean, how long does he imagine this'll go on for ? ...... surely as you say get togethers should be on an ad hoc basis, depending on what everyone wants to do. That might mean he sees them briefly, e.g. for a quick weekday tea, some weeks, or even not at all - so what. There are plenty of other ways to keep in touch and wouldn't mean he wasn't thinking of them if he doesn't "get" his 24 hours. In fact, is this about the ex at all, or is it about him not wanting to relinquish their "childhood" and clinging on desperately ? He's not doing them any favours by not allowing/encouraging their independence.

My dh is the Disneyest of Disney. But even he would leave his dcs to their own devices on a sat night; that's our night in, out, or whatever we want. He would take them to a footie match/shopping over the weekend but never Sat night. I'm sorry but that's ridiculous.

Reading this with horror - I struggled with Extreme Rota Compliance until DSS was 18, but at least he then went off to Uni. Which has been the making of him BTW.

And so what if it upsets the ex - I assume (hope?) that maintenance is no longer being paid, and it's not as though the ex could be difficult about "access" with adult offspring??? What's the worst that could happen if she got upset?

I have an 18 year old working step adult who still comes for regimented "access. She has a younger sister aged 11 who has the same regime so I can see why it happens in some ways. It's just the status quo for her.

However, what I do struggle with is the neediness and the seemingly impossible task of thinking for herself. Friday evening and the inevitable question comes; "what are we doing this weekend?". Makes me so sad that she has no life of her own really. She literally lays on the sofa all weekend if she doesn't see her boyfriend.

No hobbies, no ambitions and no passion for anything. She's been given time,money and a loving home.

My ds plans on leaving home for uni in two years. I'll be honest, I don't think I will be able to handle weekends with her if things don't change by then.

You always assume that living across the two homes of their separated parents is something for younger children, and that it will gradually change as they become adults. But the access rota can become so indoctrinated that the step adults and their parents seem unable to see past it.

Is he worried that he won't see them at all if he drops the access weekends? Is it his way of expressing fear of an empty nest.

Some children and adults are just less social than others. However, I agree that there should be room for flexibility if they are effectively adults still living at home rather than children.