Why does my husband turn into such a wanker when we're expecting DSC?

[morerogermore]

That's just it really. He starts being quite horrible to me, almost as if he thinks I am to blame for all his bad feelings. Does anyone else have this? We have a great relationship the rest of the time.

I've no experience of living with this and I don't envy you, but I wonder how much contact he has with his children. Does he text them? For most teenagers, all communication goes via their phones. My children live with me; their dad lives elsewhere. They really like it when he texts them and they can keep the texts going for a while. They like it if he's watching the same tv programme as them and texting them what he's thinking about it etc.

Does he make much effort during the weeks he doesn't see them? What did he say when you suggested he meet them mid-3 weeks? Why doesn't he text and ask whether they fancy seeing a film/having a curry/going shopping on one of the Saturdays he wouldn't normally be seeing them? Would it go down badly with his ex?

Lots of jumping to conclusions here!
Only you know your husband op, I'm not minimising his behaviour,- it's needs to be addressed. Hopefully by him finding a way to cope, rather than labelling him a bad guy and creating greater divides.
Just my opinion tho, and you could always talk to someone yourself if you need an outside perspective or just more support.

He does text them a bit, and rings them on the weekends when he doesn't see them. The older one often isn't bothered to reply. I don't think even if he was texting them daily that he'd be happy - but maybe he would. I'll suggest he keep in more regular phone contact.

My DH does often get snappy and a bit grumpy whilst DSC are here, but not so much on the build up. I sometimes don't look forward to them visiting but it's nothing to do with the DSC, it's because DH is so unhappy and then the whole house gets unhappy.
He's normally such a lovely man, kind, considerate etc. But when DSC are here I often have to remind him to not speak to me the way he does. He can be quite rude to me. I don't know whether it's the fact that he gets grumpy cos it's stressful looking after 4 kids or if it's because he's sad that things aren't as he would like them to be...or something else. I don't even think he realises he does it.

I just tell him stop doing it and if it continued I'd probably just go out and meet a friend instead of putting up with his grumpiness.

On the other hand, he puts up with my moods every month lol

I get the exact same treatment. Guaranteed - day before his kids arrive he starts being stand-offish with me and later starts picking arguments. If he manages to break through and create an argument he will make sure it blows up into a huge out of proportion where he usually throws in "maybe we should split up because you're not happy".

I'd be perfectly happy if I didn't have to deal with this bullshit EVERY weekend.

The other day, I found myself in an argument with DH about the situation with DSC, there was a bit of shouting, there was tears from me etc. But it actually turned out that we were in agreement with one another.
He wasn't angry at me, he was angry with the situation and probably with himself. He's frustrated about everything and doesn't like the way things are but is worried about upsetting people and causing ripples but trying to fix it.

When you say your DH's are unhappy with the way things are, do you just mean the obvious that they don't get to see their DC all the time, or something specific?

With my DP he's got drunk in the past and let it slip that he resents my kids living with us when he only sees his once a week and my kids getting all of his attention and benefiting from his career etc more than his own kids do.

In his past relationship he was controlling with the kids and made all the decisions - since they split she's took back 100% of the control and it frustrates him that he can no longer be in control. Their mother for instance tells them not to bother finding a job and don't bother going out making friends etc whereas DP is the opposite and wants them out there earning and making friends.

So - when his kids are due it starts playing on his mind - especially when he sees my eldest swanning around with his many friends, his 100s of "likes" on his facebook profile picture and his little job earning him money. NOTHING is the way DP wants it to be and who better to blame but me?

Foaming I think I would be dumping your DP, because he sounds like a right knobber.

morerogermore yes I mean he's unhappy about the fact that his children don't live with him. I think most of the time he tries to put it to the back of his mind but then when they come to our house it brings it all home to him that he isn't a full time Dad to them. DH is a real family man, his parents are still together and I guess when he had children he probably never thought that he would end up only seeing them every other weekend. It must be very hard for them to not see their kids for so long.

For my DH I think he struggles more because his ex is a real cow, his own mother is very controlling too. He's not happy that he has so little control of the kids and so little input. Eg his ex will often ask his Mum to look after the children before asking DH, they make arrangements between themselves and then DH gets told about it afterwards. He's seriously pissed off about it at the moment but he doesn't want to speak to his ex because she's impossible to talk to, she doesn't listen to a word anybody says and just acts all high and mighty and he doesn't want to say anything to his Mum in case it upsets her.
So instead he does nothing, puts it to the back of his mind until something happens to remind him how shit the situation is (eg they come to visit, he gets told about a parents evening that he wasn't invited to, he finds out his Mum has booked to take the kids away without asking him first etc etc) and then all the frustration resurfaces and as he doesn't know how to talk about his feelings he just ends up taking his frustrations out on me.