Do you ask about/have consequences for lying to cafcass?

[CloudiaPickle]

Received the cafcass report for DSC aged 6&8 this week. They both said DH shouts at them, scares them and badmouths their mum - completely untrue. They also said they get fed up of doing the same things (swimming, baking, theme parks etc) and should be able to go home if they're bored - and the cafcass officer recommends DH is flexible and allows this!

They said my DD gets preferential treatment and pretty much that they hate her. This couldn't be more untrue - the DC all get on fantastically and my DSC sulk if DD isn't always there or does anything separately to them. DD loves them and often turns down party invitations if they're there at a weekend to see them instead.

I know they've been manipulated into saying these things by their mum (though I don't see how them apparently not getting on with DD would benefit her cause) but do we mention the lies about shouting/have consequences for what they said about DD - I.e. That I arrange contact with her father to coincide with their time here seeing as they hate her so much?

no advice but that sounds awful!!

I would speak to your solicitor and see what they suggest

That's so sad. Had similar happen with my siblings a few years back with their dad manipulating them. I'm assuming the DSC are otherwise a lovely part of the family?

I would 100% bring it up with someone.

The could be saying those things to make their mum happy, i read a wonderful article a while back about how sometimes children cant remember the good things about being with dad when their with mum and vise versa - it is a coping mechanism if they find it too upsetting not seeing the parent they are away from - so they concentrate on one event that they didnt like or imagine something they wouldnt like just so they can cope with the separation.

I would definitely dispute the inconsistencies. examples of things that show the children having fun happy times etc things they say at yours.

cafcass should also visit during contact at fathers and gain speak to the children in this environment during this time to see if responses are consistent or inconsistent.

My DSS told CAFCASS some whoppers about me and DD. I'd already stopped contact between him and DD because he'd started to make false allegations about DH and I didn't want us to be next.

DH challenged it with CAFCASS, but the court said that it was DSS's perception and that's what they had to take into account. He no longer has contact with me or DD and his contact with DH is restricted to a few hours in the community.

I would put your DD first and protect her by limiting/preventing contact between her and her stepsibs - sadly, when DCs are subject to this kind of manipulation, there is always associated drama (especially when they become teens) and if you can keep her away from that, she'll be better off.

Thats so sad wakey

Its so frustrating when DSC do that and they really dont understand the consequences until its far too late

The children all get on brilliantly the vast majority of the time. The difficulty we have is that DSC are mostly kept separate at home (one or the other with GPs) as they don't get on there so they struggle to play together here. Ultimately that means my DD can only play with one at a time so that's the only thing I think can be interpreted badly but what is she supposed to do if they won't playttogether?

I think the preferential treatment comment is because they seem to have few rules at home so will do things like draw on toys, walk into roads, run up and touch strange dogs etc which they get reprimanded for and obviously DD doesn't because she doesn't do it. But I feel the cafcass officers comment that we should be flexible and take them home as and when they want is ridiculous and totally undermines DH. All I can foresee is them demanding things and saying they'll go home if they don't get them, us feeling unable to tell them off because they'll say they'll go home, DD being manipulated into doing everything their way otherwise they'llgo home etc. Not to mention the cost - they live 90 mins away so if both decide to go home separately then that's up to 9 hrs travel for DH over a weekend. Is it unreasonable to say that if the judge orders flexibility about taking them home from DH (bearing in mind there's no flexibility about keeping them when they're asking to stay!) then DH says their mum can come and collect them?

I would say if they want to go home early then mum can collect from yours at this time or dad will return as normal at end of weekend.

But i agree children shouldnt be allowed to run away to other home if they are being parented in current home nor use staying as blackmail. If they lived with both parents they would just leave home when not getting their own way

I recon mum will lose interest in trying to get them back early if it has a impact of her having to stop what she is doing and drive to collect. so may be worth going with it for a few weekends - they may stop asking to go back if they know it wont work in getting their own way

cloudia you could drive yourself mad trying to understand and justify what your DSC have said about you and your family - but, from experience, i suggest you stop trying to "fix" whatever it is they say is wrong, because there will always be something else.

If you haven't already, then have a read of Karen Woodalls blog - it will help you and your DP come to terms with what is happening to your family.

By stopping trying though wakey, that's effectively saying don't bother trying to have a relationship with them. Which is exactly what isn't best for them and is exactly what their poisonous mum wants.

There comes a time when it may be best for a DC subject to alienation not to have a relationship with their alienated parent/family. Sometimes, the conflict created by the family continuing to try is more damaging than the temporary absence of that parent from their lives.

You can't fix this. There is no magic solution that will resolve things. All you can do is try and minimise the damage.