separate parenting and family time

[K8eee]

long story short but dh has got visiting sorted through mediation for seeing dss. since this has been arranged dh ex has been as awkward as she has always been :( dh and I have a 6 month old dd, and the last couple of times dh has had to spend time on his own with dss, and doesn't like having dd and I around. It's such a shame as dss used to be fairly close to me and now he's even reluctant to give me a hug :( I can understand that now there is another child that has to be taken into consideration but surely it's not normal to spend separate time with 1 child just because they're from a previous relationship? I feel that we should spend time as a family at least then both children get used to dhs attention being shared between the 2 of them?

I'm kind of in the same situation - have a 9 month old DS and DSD does not want to see DP whilst DS is there , I'm not sure if this is coming from her or DP ex as I know DP ex is very manipulative and jealous and DSD was all excited about DS to begin with. It's not fair on either child as she doesn't get to know her brother and as DP sees her on both his days off he doesn't get to spend time with DS either.

I'm a bit stuck in the middle with it at the minute as I have an older DD who obviously spends a lot of time with her brother and I can see the divide with DSD getting further if that makes sense!

I agree with you K8eee, and I think you should trust your instinct and push it with DH. Obviously I don't know the terms of the contact agreement, but it shouldn't be up to his ex if your other child and you are there. I think she's doing her child a massive disservice to make it seem to her child that you have 'replaced' dss in your affections, especially as this clearly isn't true. I'd personally try to get involved, and tell dss that honestly, that you missed him and you're happy he's back, that your love isn't limited so having another kid just means you have more love not less.

normally dh has dss even school holiday and sees him a couple of weekends here and there. The other major aspect that is really bothering me is that dss lives 4/5 hours away, but he wants to spend some time in his home town with dh. I don't see why spending time there is any different to where we live i'm glad I haven't come across as selfish I am worried I'm being self centred, but it's not fair on dss or dd that they don't spend time together and bond. I have step siblings myself and my dad NEVER separated his time with us all and we grew up understanding that we have to share his time.

I haven't been in the situation growing up but I personally can't see how as an adult you wouldn't ask why you were 'kept from them'. It sounds very confusing to me. We live a long drive away from DSD's mums house and DSD enjoys very much coming here, when my OH used to go to see her in here mum's home town they would run out of things to do, or mum would say don't go to this thing or that thing as she wanted to do them with her. It just seems like a strange artificial environment where a child doesn't see their whole dad and it seems like building up future problems to me. DSD loves me, so why should she have been denied another loving adult in her life and seeing her dad as that full rounded person. If there was another child involved she definitely would want to see her. The time in the car on such a long trip has been invaluable dad and DSD time, they are closer than any dad and daughter I've ever seen actually, and it's good quiet time to work on homework free from distractions. I would say it can have a hugely positive influence on giving them a more rounded life experience and group of friends, friend making skills, seeing different perspectives and ways of life. If nothing else involvement should be there should, god forbid anything happen to mum, long term sickness for example, how is a child supposed to suddenly then transplant to a new environment?

It was a year and a half before I was involved with DSD coming to visit here, but I would say that actually children are robust and go through changes every day anyway so there's actually no good reason to not just do it other than adult sensibility. If it's handled with confidence from all an amazing adventure awaits this child, a whole extra human and sibling who want to show them love, I can't see why to deny that for a slightly soul-less sounding separate visit. It's not what I would have chosen for my childhood personally. 'Going out' with a parent is fun but sometimes just sitting with them on the sofa cuddling is so much more important.

baby, dh ex is very manipulative and i'm sure this is her trying to control what he does with dss and where. its really getting to me but dhs excuse is 'oh I feel like I'm losing him so I feel I need to do more so as I dont' my response was; well you want more kids, what's going to happen as both he and our future children get older and your spending time just you and dss but don't do it with our own children. weird or not? I haven't still had a response...

Does anyone else have any advice?

How often does your DH see him at the weekends? You say here and there but is it often like at least once a month between school holidays?

If its not, I think there should be a balance that he spends some 1-1 time with his son even if its in his hometown. With 4/5 hours drive time, it might be easier and more efficient for him to drive on Saturday to where his son is, spend the day with son, stay overnight in a hotel and then come home Sunday. This seems a better idea than for your DH to do 2 8-hour round trips within 2 days.

Family time can be spent during longer stays during holiday breaks, with a shorter amounts of 1-1 time.