My partner and I each have 4 year old sons, my son is adopted and was adopted by me at 18 months old and my partners son was created through sperm donor at a clinic. We are a lesbian couple.
Our boys generally love each other, they bicker and argue like siblings would but then make up very quickly. However, we are about to move in to the same house in 2 weeks time and still having some teething problems and wanted some help or reassurance about the right things to do.
- Both boys are used to having single parents until 6 months ago, although my partners boy "N" has longed for a 2nd parent so he's very happy to have me around. He often will cling to me and say "my mummy" to which my own son, reacts quite badly and will cry because he feels his mummy is being taken away. We talk to the boys alot about being a family and sharing love and affection and they both get equal amounts of attention from us both. My son "A" also loves to cuddle my partner, although wouldnt dream of calling her Mummy because as far as hes concerned - Im his Mum and we are very close. However, N will often get quite possessive over me and refuse to cuddle my partner (his bio mum) and will cling to me so that my own son cant get to me which upsets my son obv, and upsets me as I'd like to cuddle A as well as cuddling N.
- N has a few emotional issues at the moment, and we arent sure whether its starting school (they both started Reception class - different schools, this September) but N appears to have severe issues with handling his emotions. He kicks off alot if he cant get his own way, every morning when we leave the house he's crying - ALOT. Every single morning, and its usually over something ridiculous but he will cry and scream from the moment we leave the house until he gets to school (which he loves). He will cry over it not being his turn to open the front door, over not having the right pants on, over A accidentely brushing past him on the stairs - ANYTHING. Hes also quite nasty to A sometimes and wont let him play games with him and will insist that everything is HIS. My son A, is a little behind (around 6 months) in his development whereas N is far more advanced so we are struggling to find ways in which we can help N to stop crying all the time. He will also shout YOU'RE ALL STUPID when he doesnt get his own way (getting his own way is wanting his dinner NOW instead of waiting until its cooked) He seems to lack a lot of respect for being told what to do, and if you give him time out he will just scream in his room and shout down the stairs to us.
Merging families is difficult anyway, but my partner and I are constantly stressed with both boys emotions at the moment, and we are fairly laid back ourselves and when hte boys are good its GREAT, but N's behaviour and constant whining and crying is really upsetting my partner and I want to do the best by the boys to make this transition easier. They have their own rooms at their own houses at the moment and will be sharing a room with bunk beds when we move.
We have tried behaviour charts with stickers, time out, ignoring the bad behaviour and over dramatically praising the good, removing toys ... any other ideas we could try to make this move easier on them both and us in the long term?