"You're not my dad, I dont have to!!"

[astewart]

How long does this go on for?
Im mum, DP is struggling with the constant "Your'e not my dad....." from DS (10).

DS doesnt see dad (dads choice) although dads quick to speak to him in the street and promise him the whole world, just not regular contact. Ive told DP to ignore it but its been a year and it still continues, I personally imagine it to continue a whole while longer yet......WDYD?

Would it help if he replied with "No I am not your dad, however I am an adult in this household, so yes you do have to unless you want to [lose xxx privilege, etc]" Just basically not accepting it as an excuse but asserting his authority in a calm manner.

I second what bertie says. To the letter. :)

We havnt had this yet but expecting it at some point and I to would say no hes not but he is an adult and you respect him like you would any other adult, not insinuating anything here just a question but does your partner go on at your son a lot to make son feel like hes nagging him or being unfair?

I did what Bertie said rather than having DH do it. I said something like "No, he isn't your dad but he cooks for you, plays with you, washes your clothes and loves you and I won't have you speaking to him like that." Seemed to work.

astewart I agree with bertie but I would like to ask what do you say to your ds when he says this?

I think that you need to reinforce that your ds's behaviour isn't acceptable and that you back up your dp if/when he replies to your ds's comments

I say what Headdoctor said "no, hes not your dad but hes the adlut here and you need to do as youre told and respect that". Like talking to a brick wall.
I just wondered how long we should expect it for? They get on fine normally, just when it comes to discipline this comes out, I know hes just pushing his luck I just want to nip it in the bud.

I tried that a few times with my step mum. She gave up disciplining me and let my dad do it after that, which I preferred.

He's old enough to understand the consequences of his choices - so when you next have to run a boring errand (hairdressers, dentist, Drs) take him with you and make him wait, rather than leaving him at home with your DP, explaining that he has to come because he won't listen or do as your DP asks.
Similarly, if there is something he enjoys doing with your DP, make it clear he can no longer do so, becuse it's important that he's willing to listen to adults who are responsible for him and he's made it clear he won't listen to your DP.

He can't have it both ways - if he only wants discipline to come from you, then he shouldn't benefit from the positives of having a stepparent, either.

Hmmm. Tricky one, I feel for your DH, but having had s stepfather myself I rather feel that it will always grate to be told what to do by a step parent. I made it clear that I was only prepared to be disciplined by my mother and that worked well.

agree with other posters - you are already doing the "he is the adult" bit, so you progress onto Wakey's suggestion.

totally agree. In the same way that children have to respect their teachers.

Maybe a frank conversation with open communication between you all would be a better approach as he is old enough to listen and be listened to. If he is rejecting the idea of your partner being a father figure then forcing it will only make things worse for everybody.
If it would work better with all the discipline coming from you then it might be the best way forward and could relieve tensions. I have implemented a few rules but at the start particularly this was done through my partner on my behalf so it didn't create a divide.
Every family is different so it's about finding something you can all be comfortable with.
If your partner then knows where he stands he can find his way to cope/deal with things.

If he is rejecting the idea of your partner being a father figure then forcing it will only make things worse for everybody.

There is a big difference between acting as a father figure and acting as a responsible adult in a DCs life.
Grounding a DC because they've not got good enough grades is a parental responsibility, but asking them to empty the dishwasher, or to stop swearing at the games console, is not.

OP your DS behaviour is by no means inevitable in all blended families. My DH has been "stepfather" and a "responsible adult" in my DDs life for over 4 years. She has never uttered those words - and he regularly reinforces house rules and boundaries to her.
I would suggest that the consequence of not complying (and backchatting) your DP is not severe enough to motivate your DS - perhaps you need to come down on him harder and follow through with consequences so that he's under no illusion that compliance with your DP is somehow optional.

My point was meant to be that forcing it could be counterproductive.
I didn't mean it should be accepted or always happens (I get the opposite- SS is far less likely to backchat to me or not do as I ask because I'm not his parent)
I was just suggesting that a discussion about why its not acceptable and what the consequences would be might be more age appropriate than a telling off which isn't working.
Totally agree there's a huge difference between a parental figure and a responsible adult but the sons words imply he feels confused about his stepdads role so I would talk to him about why he feels like that.

I have always told my daughter that she must always obey a reasonable directive from a responsible adult. We have discussed what reasonable is, so that she doesn't think she has to do anything an adult says. I have told her that if a responsible adult has told her to do chores or stop doing a certain thing, she must obey. If she feels it is harsh, she can speak to me about it and I will sort it out. All the adults who have contact with her thinks she is marvellous.