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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Dsd has asked for money for doing chores

22 replies

sunnysarah · 13/10/2014 06:37

My dsd came up to me yesterday and said if she did chores around our house could she earn some money. Im a bit stuck as to what to do, Im not keen on getting her to do stuff around our home as it feels wrong, she gets £30 a month allowance from her mum at her home but she has to do a hell of a lot to earn that, hovering, dusting, making her mum coffee look after her sister etc. Plus that money has to be spent on paying for stuff she needs for school like cooking ingredients, bus fare into town she even had to buy her own drinks when she went on holiday with her mum. I just don't feel comfortable getting her to do chores like that here, plus my son wants pocket money for doing the washing up etc ( although that has yet to happen lol) Her dad kindly passed the buck over to me when she asked him, cheers! So do we just give her pocket money which in itself will cause problems as money is very very tight and with 4 children between us gonna be very expensive :( and if she does do chores what sort? any advice would be great.

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SunnySomer · 13/10/2014 06:51

Really tricky one to answer because you sound like you've decided no. We give DS money when he does jobs such as washing the car - things that don't (massively) affect everyone else if they don't get done so it's really his choice to do or not. Your DSD sounds as though she might be feeling pretty hard up (eg if she has to spend her money on cookery ingredients which I would consider a school necessity and buy for her). Is she old enough to get a proper weekend job, or does logistics/age prevent that?

SunnySomer · 13/10/2014 06:53

Just thinking also - do you know anyone who might need a babysitter (again, assuming she's old enough and sensible)

YonicScrewdriver · 13/10/2014 07:01

I used to have to do regular chores as part of my pocket Money agreement but get extra for eg cleaning the car.

But if yip don't have the money, you don't have it.

YonicScrewdriver · 13/10/2014 07:04

Can you help her budget eg buy value ingredients, drink water on holiday etc.

Romeyroo · 13/10/2014 07:09

It just sounds like she wants to earn a bit of cash. My DD gets £30 a month, but it is for saving and non-essentials. What kind of things does she want the money for? Is it something (I.e. nail varnish) you could give her if you have some you don't want? Or chat about how she can budget for her necessities, maybe there are cheaper options? If money is tight, you can't give her it, but there may be other ways you can help.

joanofarchitrave · 13/10/2014 07:10

If you don't have the money, you don't have the money. You could explain that to her.

We do two types of paying for chores. We do give pocket money, and we dock a bit of it if ds's daily chores aren't done every day (which they never are, so that's effective ) Then we pay extra for extra chores, like car washing or gardening (I hate gardening and amazingly, this has been inherited).

I'd agree with pointing her towards babysitting/work. Could you afford to pay her to babysit the other children, for example, if you would normally pay a babysitter? Locally there is a babysitting course of some kind which I think includes a bit of first aid/emergency management, could you pay for her to go on that and then help to scare up a bit of work for her?

iwantgin · 13/10/2014 07:46

I see no harm n letting her know that you don't have the money to pay her. In fact it may let her see that you aren't rolling in money.

How old is she? There may be some local very part time jobs around? Paper rounds pay quite well for the effort required around here.

Good on her for wanting to earn some cash - I was out doing so from the age of 11 - and bought my own 'fashion' clothes. We were quite hard up - so I wouldn't have got anything otherwise.

Perfectlypurple · 13/10/2014 07:55

Why does it feel wrong for her to do stuff around the house? Surely it's her home too.

My dsd does or should do jobs here to get pocket money. It is her home and I treat her as if it's her home and not like she is a guest. Although she hasn't had pocket money for months as she is too lazy to do all her jobs/pick up after herself. Every time I say she can get pocket money again after a few days of doing what she should she reverts straight back and never gets the pocket money. I am hoping with Christmas coming that will make her start to do what she should.

WakeyCakey45 · 13/10/2014 08:57

The issue seems to be her Dad refusing to make a decision - why not? He's setting you up to be the bad guy really - while I admire your DSD motives, her Dad has put you in a no win situation. This isn't an issue for one adult to decide, particularly the stepparent - it should be led by the parent and both adults in the household should agree a way forward.

MeridianB · 13/10/2014 09:03

We've had a similar situation. DH and I agreed that if it was to be genuinely helpful then the chores had to be things DSD could do unsupervised. That really narrowed down the options!

Not sure what she your DSD is but I feel very sorry for her having to fund her own cooking ingredients for school and holiday drinks. Is her mum trying to make a point?

OldCatLady · 13/10/2014 09:08

If you can afford it, I think it's lovely that she realises money has to be 'earned' and I see no problem with getting her to do a few chores.

If you can't afford it a simple "sorry love, we can't really afford it at the moment"

MeridianB · 13/10/2014 09:10

That should read 'not sure what age your DSD is...'

SixerofthePixies · 13/10/2014 09:18

How old is she? I do feel sorry from her as imo she is spending her pocket money on things that parents should be providing cookery ingredients/buses etc. I totally agree that children should help round the house to earn pocket money, but to me that is then ther money to be spent on whatever they choose.

Type of chores depend on age

purpleroses · 13/10/2014 09:31

We try to distinguish between the sorts of tasks they should help with anyway (washing up, putting clothes away, hovering own bedrooms, etc) and one-off larger jobs that we wouldn't normally ask them to do, but do offer money for - this is largely mowing the lawn or washing cars.

If money is tight it's best to keep it to things that aren't going to need doing too ofter. Nice that she wants to do some work to earn some extra money. If she's old enough, you could suggest she asks your neighbours if they need their cars washing if she wants to earn more cash.

slkk · 13/10/2014 13:16

Seem to be at odds with popular opinion here. We tell the children that helping out around the house is part of being in a family and no-one gets paid for it. Pocket money is separate. Dsd gets five pounds a month from us into own bank account which she has a card for so can use at both houses. She uses it for extras like going out with friends. All school necessities are paid for by us. £30 seems like a lot for a child. Is the issue with her having access to her money at yours? If so, lots of accounts now give debit cards to children over 11.

Original poster

sunnysarah · 13/10/2014 17:34

Thanks for the replies guys. Sunnysomer: I havnt decided No otherwise I wouldn't have posted the questi.on, just not sure how or how much.
My dsd is 11 so not old enough to babysit and with two 6yr olds and a 9yr old that's quite a lot of responsibility. Yes this is her home but not her main home and I can just imagine her mums response when dsd goes home and says "ive been hovering, washing up etc at dads".
I don't agree with dsd having to spend her money on "essential things" hence when we all went on holiday earlier this year the kids spending money was exactly that. But its her mums decision so nothing to do with me. I think dp passed the buck on to me because I deal with the financial side of things

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MirandaWest · 13/10/2014 17:39

Not sure on the paying for chores element of it but as a mum whose DC are mostly with me and also with their dad I would honestly have no problem with them doing chores there.

purpleroses · 13/10/2014 18:31

I don't get why they wouldn't do chores in both homes, in proportion to the time they spend in them off course. Especially if you're a blended family with "main home" kids living there too. My DC certainly wouldn't think it fair if they had chores and the DSC didn't. You could be setting a difficult president if you don't give her any.

£30 a month is quite a lot for an 11 year old (mine gets £15) though does sound like she's expected to be quite responsible with it and pay for quite a bit with it - which isn't a bad thing.

But 11 tends to be an age when they start wanting more money, to go out with friends, etc, so I'd imagine that's why she's started asking

TantrumsAndBalloons · 13/10/2014 18:36

I don't pay for helping in the house, although I think I am in the minority with that.
The way I see it, everyone helps in the house because I am not the cleaner/cook/laundry person etc.

The Dcs do get pocket money though. Dd is 16 now and has a part time job do pays for her own stuff mainly now.

If you cannot afford a large sum, can you work out what you can afford, if anything?
But I do honestly think anyone who is part of the family should pitch in and do their bit- just because that's what you do not because you are getting paid for it.

KoalaDownUnder · 13/10/2014 18:45

Do you give her pocket money at all? How much of the month does she spend at your house?

I dunno, maybe she gets decent pocket money at her mum's, but she is also expected to pay for a lot of things (her own drinks on holiday?!). If I were you, I might find something for her to do that could make her an extra 5-10 quid a month. Maybe something you would otherwise pay someone else for (eg car through a car wash)?

Original poster

sunnysarah · 13/10/2014 19:00

I agree tantrumsandballoons, I do think the kids should do stuff because its all part of keeping the house tidy rather than just cos they are getting paid on the other hand doesn't it teach them about working to get money rather than it just being handed to them?
She is a sensible girl and I think because Christmas is coming up she wants some more money to buy presents and things, because her allowance has to go towards lots of things ( unfairly in my mind, but what can I say.) she doesn't have much left over.

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Letitbee · 13/10/2014 23:12

Honestly I would be giving her pocket money if she has to earn money to pay for essentials that her Mum should be covering - Not a fortune but certainly £2 a week

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