custody in the event of parent dying

[wheresthelight]

this is probably gonna sound bizarre but am wondering if anyone cam offer any advice.

am in the process of sorting out wills so that dd is protected in the event of anything happening to dp or I and we obviously need to do the second for dp and his older kids. however it was roasted during his divorce and his ex wants the kids to go to her parents and says she will make sure they don't come to dp. he is their next of kin just as much as she is so if something happens to her can she really prevent them coming to their dad?

Bloody autocorrect raised not roasted!!

Assuming he has parental responsibility and social services would judge him a fit parent, then I really don't see how she could prevent your DP having custody through her will.
However what would the children want? Do they have a good relationship with their father?

hi wing yeah they have an excellent relationship with him! and yes he has parental responsibility for them and no reason for assuming SS would have any issues (due to my depression they were involved in my pregnancy with dd and we were all signed off as no further action or involvement before she was born) which is why I don't understand it.

if he had left her then I could maybe understand her wanting to hurt him but she had an affair and kicked him out so it all seems a bit odd to want to try and harm his relationship with the kids as she has apparently told them if she dies they can't live with us which seems a bit odd too - they have told dp this and their grandad who mentioned it to me in case dp didn't know

We've had something similar come up recently. The children would go to their father despite the mother's will. If he has PR and a good constant relationship then there is no question. If he didn't have PR but still a good relationship, the children would probably go to him but it would have to go through the courts because of the mother's will.

I've lodged a letter with my will explaining why I don't want dd1 to live with her biological father (who has PR) and instead would like her to remain with dh and her (half) siblings in the event of my death. Have been told that my wishes would be taken into account but would be up to a court to decide. Dh has promised that he will fight to keep her in the family if necessary.

from the use of the word "biological" I assume he isn't involved in her life signora?

dp and his kids have a fantastic relationship, they are closer to him and I than to their mum and her dp. in fact if we allowed them unlimited screen time on minecraft like they get at their mum's I think they would live here full time!

like I say if he had wronged her in any way I could understand it but he hasn't.

just wondered how normal it was for an nrp who is massively hands on, pays well over his csa requirements and then gives exw extra for school trips, uniforms etc, buys every pair of shoes, every coat, bikes, clothes for here and there, goes halves on big presents with ex to still get royally f£$*ed over

I think that's where the 'good relationship' between the NRP and child comes into play. I'm guessing you've had to do that Signora because there's not a good relationship between them?

If I remember correctly it depends on whether the mother has a residence order (or Chilf Arrangements Order starting they live with her). In any case, your DP would be able to apply for a residency order if they were living with the grandparents.

headdoctor their is no residence order, custody was kept out of court and agreed mutually between them during the financial mediation for their divorce.

I don't think she can stop them coming to dp without it all going through court but just want to make sure we know as we obviously have to make sure in our wills that they are provided for.

Perhaps post on Legal

Those who ask me about the relationship between Dd and her biological father (who, up until I left him when she was 2.5 never lifted a finger bathe, feed, change or converse with her)...
There is contact between them, yes. He sees her for one weekend per month and for a week in Summer, easter and Christmas, as he lives abroad. He does, however have a history of abusive behaviour (verbal and physical but especially toddler style tantrums and mindfuckery) that would mean living with him on a permanent basis would be far too stressful for both of them. I left him due to dv. Dd doesn't speak his language and he makes no effort to familiarise her with it and there is no way he'd move to the UK to bring her up or ensure that she remains in contact with her siblings or grandparents. He lives with a landlady (because he won't make a decision or spend any money) and when she visits him they sofa surf at his few remaining friends or she stays with him at his parents, which she hates. There are myriad reasons why Dd living with him would be very damaging for her.

OP I don't think your partner would have anything to worry about then. He sounds like a decent, loving and involved parent and there wouldn't be anything stopping him from bringing his child up in the event of his ex's death.
I've filed copies of police reports along with the letter and dh has access to a file of all my emails sent to my best friend and parents detailing some of his bizarre behaviour. I also had legal aid to sort out residency and contact order.

apologies signora I wasn't asking to be nosey just to see if I could understand why dp's exw would be so adamant he wasn't to get custody in the event of her death. your situation must have been awful! I am so sorry you and dd had to live through thay and I completely understand why you want her to remain with your dh!

if dp was like your ex i would fully understand her concerns. but he just isn't, he hates having to tell them no or discipline them as he just doesn't have it in him to be "nasty" hence why he hasn't yet challenged her on this.

I just wanted to see in cases where dad is a decent person and involved if her attitude was the norm.

against apologies for the intrusion

wheresthelight your DSC mums attitude isn't "the norm" but the situation you describe is by no means unique. There are a few of us here whose DPs Ex's are conducting themselves in a way that indicates that "they don't want him but no one else can have him" and who expect their ex to remain behoven to them as the mother of his DCs. Often, they believe they are the primary parent by virtue of their gender, with the "father" a convenience as and when needed, involved only to the extent she requires and dictates. Your DPs ex's expectation that she can, and will, place their DCs into the care of someone else indicates that she does not consider your DP an equal parent to their DCs.

A couple of things you've posted have raised red flags, tbh.
"he hates having to tell them no or discipline them"
This is not the sign of a sustainable NRP relationship with his DCs. His job as one of their parents, is to enforce boundaries and guide them as they grow into adulthood. If he avoids that for fear of being considered "nasty", and them possibly choosing not to see him, then they will soon learn which buttons to push and he'll be faced with increasingly demanding, disrespectful DCs, who have learnt that they can treat their Dad and his family like dirt because he won't discipline. This type of fear in a NRP is often motivated by the belief that the RP is "in control" of contact and would willingly facilitate the DCs opting out of contact if they chose to.

"hence why he hasn't challenged her on this yet" while I think this is actually one of those issues he should ignore (because he can deal with it if she does die rather then beforehand) if your DP has fallen into the trap of doing things his ex's way for a quiet life then there could be trouble ahead for you. It's highly unlikely that "her way" will suit you and your family forever, so at some point he will face a situation where he either has to upset her, or alternatively, he goes along with her way, at the expense of your family. There are a lot of threads here on MN from stepmums who are routinely inconvenienced, disregarded and generally expected to do as they are told in order to keep the ex happy. The longer he "goes along with her for a quiet life" the more extreme the backlash will be when he eventually does rebel against her demands.

thanks wakey

don't get me wrong he does discipline them he just feels guilty doing it and he does challenge her on the rest of the shit she pulls which she definitely hates!!

he used to keep the challenging to a minimum whilst the finances etc were sorted out which did work in his favour in the long run because she blatantly ignored stuff she was asked to do by the mediators and as a consequence got far less than she wanted out of him. amd now it's done he stands up to her and she loathes him for it but this all kicked off before he started standing up to her

Dh's ex said something similar to dh several years ago. He told her she could do what she wanted with her will but he would see to it that it never happened and he would do everything within his power to prevent such a ridiculous occurrence. She never mentioned it again.

That's okay - I just get a bit annoyed when it is generally believed that contact us in the best interest of the child. I only agreed to a contact order because of the good he had over me re Hague conventions but if I could have I'd not have allowed it.
I really wouldn't worry op. There is not much your dp's ex could do to prevent him having residency and she's just using it as another stick to beat him with by the sound of it.

hold he had over me

Wow Signora those are indeed exceptional circumstances and understandable reasons.

DSS SF has according to DSS got full parental responsibility because he is married to his mother, he decided to tell us this because DH had told DSS that he had given his details to DSS new school. And DSS said it didnt matter as they had his SFs. Apparently according to DSS, SF can make more parenting decisions etc because he lives with DSS at their main residence. DH tried to explain the legal meaning of parental responsibility. I saw a little bit of DH's heart die that day, although DSS did not.

I honestly wouldn't know what would happen if DSS mum passed away, DSS has 2 half siblings here and 2 by his mum, 1 is an adult with learning difficulties and lives with his dad. I would think that the other elder half sibling would go live with her dad too.

It's a minefield full of emotional heartache for everyone involved, I suppose really a child's wish ought to take precedent accounting for age.