Hurt - dp said he think my ds has aspergers

[Neverenoughhoursintheday]

He didn't say it in a mean way, and is kind to my ds but it has upset me and I now wonder what he really thinks of ds. I asked him to qualify it but he couldn't.

To me, my ds is loving, does what he's told (generally, sometimes with a bit of moaning). He's bright, esp maths, It, but not exceptional. He likes to know whats what, ie, rules, what we're doing etc, but can cope if things change. To me - nothing particularly out of the ordinary. He's happy in his own company, but can socialise.

My dp has 3 ds, eldest is quiet. The other 2 to me are harder work. Have to be told repeatedly to do something and still don't do it, though say they have. To me they are different to my ds in that they are not as quiet and calm, need to be with others and not able to entertain themselves, not as bright as my ds. But to me they've just been raised different, not so many boundaries.

I feel hurt and very protective towards my ds after dp comments.

I don't know what I want in respect of comments, just felt the need to offload :(

Is your DP a paediatrician? Does he have experience of working with children with additional needs? What was his reasoning behind making these comments?

I agree you need to ask why he said it. It could be that he has experience of the autistic spectrum and recognises traits, and knows that with additional support, your DS will be all the fab things he already is, but better able to socialise and handle change/different expectations, and a happier person. Or it could be that his kids are poorly boundaried and rather than admit that, he would rather slap a highly stigmatised label on your son instead. One is a lovely thing, and actually very brave. The other is ugly in the extreme.

Does your DS have a lot of fussiness around food? Does he notice smells, sounds, tastes a lot? Is noise a real problem for him, or do clothes often feel uncomfy? Those are also often symptoms. As are special interests to the point of obsession - it's been joked that NASA is a community workshop for people with high functioning autism and John Elder Robison left school at 17 to go on tour with KISS, customising their guitars, because his Aspergers meant he was obsessed by them and therefore uniquely expert! Which is, gently, to say high functioning autism - if he has it at all - need not be all bad. It can be harder, as it goes hand in hand with higher levels of anxiety than normal, but it can also be enriching, when you have a child who asks extraordinarily demanding and complex questions from a young age, soaks up info, and will concentrate on something that interests him for literally hours. It doesn't mean he has to be obviously brighter at a younger age at all. It can mean his powers of concentration on something that happens to interest him are unusually great. Could be anything - Pokemon, Star Wars, Lego. It's that focus that is diagnostically important.

DS has ASD. He's also been described by every teacher he's ever had, and his diagnosing paediatrician, as "delightful". His "lovely temperament" was actually cited as a developmental strength. He's loving, kind, and a complete joy. He has friends, he just needs help sometimes - explicit, spelled out explicatory help - in social communication and interaction, and we need to be aware of his sensory sensitivities. But otherwise, he's fine. The stigma around autism disguises that he tastes and smells better than you or I, sensations are stronger and sounds too, and while that can be bad, think of how many situations where those super-sensitivities are benefits? He's also immensely bright because all intelligence really is, in my opinion, is the fascination with information and the ability to find it and retain it. And someone with a condition which means you become obsessed with certain things has a head start there. All in all, I feel lucky to be his mum, and his paed agreed with me that we hit the jackpot with him.

If your DP has high functioning autism in the family, he may not see it as a disaster. If I see aspects of my son in other kids, I'd see it as a good thing. And given mothers always adore him, he has stacks of friends, and most people never know he's autistic at all because he does not fit the stereotype, I don't think that's unreasonable. Autism is not necessarily and always disability. It can be fascinating because autistic children think in startlingly original ways, because they aren't fully able to conform. They are free thinkers in a very real sense.

So I'd take a deep breath, ask DP why he thinks that, and then evaluate what his statement means. Because if he does not know anyone on the spectrum, and he's insulting your child by labelling him with something so hugely demonised in mainstream public opinion, he's actually saying he resents him, that he resents how he shows his kids up, and wants to think there's something abnormal about him. That is not pretty. On the other hand, if he;s worked with, or related to, people on the spectrum... he may just think your child could benefit from some support. Talk to him.

Dp has no experience of aspergers/autism so the comment came out of the blue. My ds is a bit fussy with food i guess but i put that down to kid behaviour, he's not great at trying new foods. When he was younger he didn't like loud noises but is fine now. At the moment he's very much into a certain ps game, but so are his mates! Dp said if he has it doesn't bother him he still loved him. To me he is different to dp's kids, but far easier to talk to, reason with and understand and remember, less wild, but maybe thats cos he's mine

Nothing in your post strikes me as particularly AS, but you sound a but like your son is better than everyone else ie his step brothers so maybe aren't seeing things as clearly as someone with a bit more outside prospective?
Ds1 is borderline AS and has greatly improved over the last couple of years. Like a previous poster everyone at school thinks he's a lovely little boy, amazing intelligent (he's G&T) etc as often they hold it together at school and then let all the anxiety out at home. Ds1 is very unpredictable as to when he will accept change and when he will have a melt down over it. Makes it harder in a way then if he was consistent with it. Sensitive to loud sounds, not good with social situations, hates having photo taken, it's very rare to get a cuddle from him,
Of course he is a lovely little boy, knows everything about everything but it is a case of when he's good he's very good and when he's bad he's very bad, and it can be very draining.
I suppose what I'm trying to say is even as borderline AS there are obvious traits and if he genuinely doesn't have any as opposed to you not seeing them then you need to get to the bottom of why your DH has said it. What traits does he think he has seen??

My DS has a diagnosis of AS. He is very loving, also bright but unexceptional, likes his rules but can cope with change, can socialise but happy in his own company. It is worth reading more about the whole spectrum of ASD before dismissing the idea completely. Your DP presumably cares about you and your DS and as he didn't say it in a mean way, perhaps it's a genuine concern and not any criticism.

You certainly shouldn't consider having a child with ASD as a negative. There are positive aspects and knowing of a diagnosis is important in understanding how to manage the difficult aspects. My DS was diagnosed relatively late and some relatives only later told me after diagnosis that they'd suspected he'd had it for some time. I felt more hurt about that than if they'd told me before diagnosis, because he could have been getting help long before if only they had broached the subject.