How/when to tell our child that Daddy already has a child he doesn't see?

[hanm87]

Hi there, my partner and I are trying for a baby. He had child with his on/off ex 5 years ago, when he was 20.

They appear to have had a very volatile relationship and she made access very hard to impossible for him, until unfortunately she moved abroad without notice when their child was 18 months old. Communication and legal proceedings have come to a dead end and he has not seen his child since and it has really affected him and haunts him.

My question is when/if we have our child, how and when would be the best time to explain this to our child? I think the best method would be to have a picture of him and his child in the house from the beginning, so there is never a secret. However I'm aware this could be really difficult for him.

But what would you do about the inevitable (and in my eyes as a child from a broken family, reasonable) questions of why Daddy doesn't see his first child? Will that happen to them? Does he not love his child anymore etc?

Any suggestions/advice would be greatly received!

If the child is abroad, then you could use that as the excuse - something along the lines that xyz lives with his/her mum in Timbuctoo.

My children have cousins who live in the US (abroad) with their mother. She has no contact with the UK (paternal) side of their children's family.

We have told our kids that they have 2 cousins who live in the US with their mum and that their Dad never sees them in the US or UK. my children are very matter of fact that they'll probably never meet their cousins in the US unless they actively go searching for them when they are adults.

Children accept most things as status quo. You'd be surprised

The only time I can see this being a problem is if you two split up. Ie. but daddy doesn't see X anymore so won't I see daddy either?

But don't sweat that now

I would have a picture in a frame and tell him/ her that's your b/s. Say she lives abroad with her mummy and that's why we don't see her. Over time time your child will ask questions and I would answer them honestly at their developmental level. It will then be something and nothing for them.
In years to come maybe they can be involved in the search for them when he is 18. I feel it's a bigger deal for you than it will be for them.