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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Birthday blues

16 replies

heidiwine · 04/10/2014 22:32

I'm a long (long) time lurker, occasional poster (different name).
I have been with DP for 7 years, known his daughters for 5 years and lived with him (and them EoW and once a week) for 3 years. I am close to DSD and care very deeply about her. She will be 11 next month and is having a party for 10 friends at a leisure centre about 20 minutes drive away. I am not invited although her mum's partner (of 12 months) is.
I can't help feeling hurt. I don't want to say anything as I don't want to spoil her day. AIBU? What do other people in similar situations do?

OP posts:

Pancakeflipper · 04/10/2014 22:40

Is this party organised by her mother?

If so then chin up, congratulate yourself for being one of those lovely under-rated step-mothers and you and your DP plan a celebration (cinema/bowling/lunch out) treat.

MirandaWest · 04/10/2014 22:44

Is your DP going to be at the party? I can understand only your DSDs parents being there but I can't see why her mums bf is going to be there if you're not

JustShakeitoff · 04/10/2014 22:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

heidiwine · 04/10/2014 22:55

DP is going (and he always does). I've never been included and I've always been (broadly) ok with that. I'm not OK this year.
For the past 3 years we have suggested a second celebration and it's been met with confusion from DSD. I know that's because birthdays and Christmases are always controlled by her mum. Last year we tried to do Xmas presents at ours and the children broke down in tears at the whole thing - eventually it came out that mum would be angry if they opened any presents at ours...
I guess I just have to grow up and suck it up. Just wish that occasionally my place I their lives wasn't underestimated

OP posts:

Original poster

heidiwine · 04/10/2014 22:57

And pancake... Mother organises (sends invites/plans/party bags etc). Father (DP) pays (which is, I think, why he is invited).

OP posts:

Coffeeinapapercup · 04/10/2014 23:02

Not in the same boat as you at all. But seems to me your issue is with your dp not the ex. He's clearly an equal partner in these celebrations but hasn't appreciated your desire to attend. Id be having that chat

Pancakeflipper · 04/10/2014 23:25

It sounds controlling of her mother (she may have her reasons for this).
But stuff it - let them have the party. And then another time just do something togetgerctgats a treat and don't even mention birthday until you whip out a cake with candles from behind your back .

It won't always be like this. Continue being you and the DSD will eventually suss out what the dynamics are.

purpleroses · 05/10/2014 07:32

Have you asked to go? If your DP has paid for the party can't he just say to his ex that you'd like to come along too?

If his ex has paid herself I think it would be her shout but if your DP has paid she can't reasonably refuse can she?

My DH's ex has invited DH along to things, which her DP goes to too but I'm not invited. Mostly it's school things which I don't go to as DH feels that 4 adults turning up to meet a teacher is too much. But when she did it on a social occasion DH said that I'd like to come too and that was OK.

Or do you just feel it's too awkward for everyone if you're there? If so DSD probably isn't going to want a second celebration with all her friends but you and DP could do something together with her, and suggest she invites some friends over on another occasion.

rootypig · 05/10/2014 07:35

Her mother is controlling and though it's cold comfort, it will bite her in the arse. You sound like a lovely stepmum. I think you see that with DSD in the middle, there's not much you can do. Live according to your own principles and kick a wall sometimes

Chasingsquirrels · 05/10/2014 09:34

It's a leisure party thing for kids, in what way are adults "invited" to this? You either go along with your DP or you don't.
What happens if you just go alon with him? What is his view on all of this?

Original poster

heidiwine · 05/10/2014 10:01

I have no idea what would happen if I just rocked up. I do know that it would cause DSD considerable anxiety it would also (quite legitimately) irritate her mum if showed up with no warning whatsoever!
I don't think that this is any more complicated than the average step family situation... The background is that DSDs mum is very clear in her dislike of me, my presence in her children's lives is (at best) an irritation.
I think that a post-birthday treat for DSD is probably the way to go.

OP posts:

MeridianB · 05/10/2014 10:05

I understand where you're coming from, Heidi.

It sounds as if your DSD could be under quite a bit of pressure, self-imposed or otherwise, about special occasions. I am sure this will change as she gets older as it sounds as if you have a great relationship and it was a big thing that she explained the 'mum would be angry if we open presents with you' even if it doesn't change the outcome just yet.

I went to DSD's birthday parties for the first 3-4 years. They were/are organised and funded by DH and his ex jointly.

I mucked in, doing messy/boring jobs beforehand and helping to clear up afterwards. Helped if needed during, such as topping up drinks etc but I stayed on the sidelines a little for key moments such as the cake being brought out/candles blown out etc as I totally understand that it is a big thing for parents.

Then for the last one, out of the blue, the ex said I was not invited. This despite no problems between us and me not even having seen her since the last one. She told DH she wanted DSD's family to be seen as her and DH. . Not sure what that was about but possibly due to there being almost no separated parents among DSD's friends.

DH overruled her but although I was disappointed and sad, I decided not to go as it was about DSD, not us and I wanted to avoid awkwardness for DSD on her special day. I did explain to DSD that I was sorry to miss her special event (no mention of reason of course) and we shared the excitement in the buildup in the usual way and had a long chat after about how the party had gone, while eating lots of birthday cake .

Would it be possible to have a few of her friends to a special tea some time before or after your DSD's party? Or perhaps a day out with a friend or two as a treat? Not to compete but just as an extra celebration?

Chasingsquirrels · 05/10/2014 20:52

But what does your DP say? How have you got to the point where DSD's mums DP is invited and you aren't? Why hasn't your DP addressed this?

I know there is background and these are just a few posts online, but it really does sound as if your DP has no input in any of this and you haven't discussed it with him? I'm sure this isn't the case, in which case you know what the options are (don't go) and you just want hand holding? But I don't read that into your post?

robotroy · 06/10/2014 10:50

I agree over time your husband should start to stand up for you being there. I know it's painful, I see the look on their faces when SD runs up to me not mum, or to her boyfriend not dad, but it gives her pleasure to see us all at things like plays even though she knows mum hates me!

We have some distance and so we don't share birthdays or Christmas, but we have always done a separate Christmas or birthday here. It's not fair on them to not have some present opening with dad, it's removing a childhood experience from them out of nothing but spite. For this reason I would push him to tackle this personally. In our case I try to involve her family on his side, they are still family! Are they involved at all in the 'authorised celebrating'.

In the interim and in the situation you are, I would be honest with her and say, I love you so much I would like to give you a present and do something nice together with you and dad. Just to a meal out at a great diner or something. I don't see how this threatens the party as it's a different thing altogether.

Original poster

heidiwine · 06/10/2014 22:32

Good questions chasingsquirrels

DP says he wants me to go. To explain how we've got to the point would take a face to face conversation, not an online thread! (same thing for why DP hasn't addressed it).

DP doesn't have an input and it's his doing (enabled by me). We are afraid of his ex - she's hugely controlling and (in my mind) borderline emotionally abusive. DSD's are afraid of her too. I feel completely powerless and both DP and I know (from bitter experience) that DP's ex lies about us. It's so difficult to put it into words. Even though I want to be asked to the party I know that it would cause DSD a whole load of angst and upset.

I guess that DP got himself into this situation because he avoids conflict at all cost and ended up with me - someone who runs away from conflict even faster than he does.

I had hoped that as the girls got a bit older we could talk to them about this sort of thing. DP asked DSD yesterday (without me in the room), how would you feel if Heidi came to your party? The reply: Mummy wouldn't like that. When pressed a bit further 'but what would you think' DSD said: I don't know and promptly left the room saying that she needed the loo (where she stayed for 20 minutes).

So there's a slice of my life. Not sure we're actually that unusual for a step family but who knows...

OP posts:

Chasingsquirrels · 06/10/2014 23:41

I'm sure you aren't that unusual, I for one haven't really met my DPs children, never mind gone to their events.
As I said in my last post I'm sure my reading of your posts wasn't the picture, and your elaboration confirms that.
I agree with other posters as to some sort of celebration (even just a cake & your dps present to her) at your house.
As for the party itself, either your DP deals with the confrontation (which he won't? Mine certainly won't!), or you have to deal with the repecutions of that (somewhat less that those of dealing with it, at least in the short term - but what about the long term?).
It's one day, it doesn't mean DSD doesn't value your place in her life at all.

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